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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner and anxiety during my pregnancy

22 replies

Hotmad · 20/10/2013 12:14

Hi there everyone,
This is my first ever post here and I just needed to get this off my chest as I have no one else to talk to about it. My boyfriend, the father of my child (currently 36 weeks pregnant) suffers with anxiety. All through my pregnancy he has been anxious about what I wear, what I eat, what environment I'm in, eg. Is it smoky or too loud etc. I used to be able to brush off his anxieties and help him through but now I'm pregnant I feel like I can just about handle my own emotions!! Anyway, today we are supposed to go to our new neighbours for lunch, they are indian couple and will be cooking a curry (yummy!) but my partner is over worrying about listeria as he always does when I eat somewhere that is not home. He also is upset about me going to meet a friend for dinner tomorrow saying that I eat out about 3 times aweek and he isn't happy with it. This is an exaggeration, I don't eat out at all that much, just once every couple to few weeks when I meet friends and I'm always careful. He however, doesn't seem to trust me to do that! He says that I haven't made good choices in the past, for example when I was in early pregnancy I made some eating errors that he hasn't forgotten. He thinks I will eat whatever is put in front of me to not show ungratefulness or whatever. Every time he brings up the eating things I can't handle it and get so upset and cry and feel really bad, I know the pregnancy hormones make me overreact but I feel so upset by it I wonder where it will ever end!!???? Can anyone give me some perspective please? Should I not go out to eat at all? He says I don't consider the fathers feelings ie. his feelings in my pregnancy! He makes me feel like I don't care about my baby when I love her so much already that the stress of being a good mum already concerns me enough!

Thanks for reading .......

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/10/2013 12:15

No it will not end unless he takes some serious steps to manage his controlling, overbearing, self righteous behaviours.

nennypops · 20/10/2013 12:18

He needs to get a referral for counselling about his anxiety. And he needs to realise that making you stressed and anxious is more likely to cause the baby harm than you eating a curry.

Writerwannabe83 · 20/10/2013 12:21

I think it sounds like he needs professional help because his anxieties are not rational or normal. My concern is how he will be when the actual baby arrives! Can you imagine the 100's of things he will have to worry about then?

Is he on medication for his anxiety and does he realise it isn't normal behaviour??

Congratulations on your pregnancy and enjoy your curry - I also think they are very yummy! ]smile]

Shellywelly1973 · 20/10/2013 12:22

Your boyfriend needs medical help for his anxiety.

You are responsible for yourself & your baby. Be responsible. Your boyfriends anxiety is affecting you so you need to do something.

This will without a doubt get worse after the baby is born. You have some very tough choices as you really have to consider are you going to ba abke yo care for yourself, your babyvand your boyfriend?

Do you have other support from family or friends? Is there anyone you can talk to?

Best of luck...

Shellywelly1973 · 20/10/2013 12:23

Excuse typos....fat pregnant fingers & on mobile!

SpottyDottie · 20/10/2013 12:26

Reading your post I thought there was such a slim line between his anxiety and the need to control you. He seriously needs help over this because this will not improve once the baby is born.

Iamsparklyknickers · 20/10/2013 12:33

Is he aware his anxiety is an issue?

If he is then that's the hardest bit out the way and he needs to get himself off to the dr's asap. If he's on medication it may need tweaking during a life event like this or he may need to be open to trying it if he hasn't already. Also he needs to give counselling a go. A MNetter posted this link www.misophonia-uk.org/dealing-with-misophonia.html on another thread (unrelated) but it gives links to very basic online CBT courses. Given NHS waiting lists this may be a useful place to start for him while he's waiting for proper therapy.

If he's not, then things are a little harder. He needs to understand that while most people are anxious during pregnancy his extremes aren't normal and his anxiety is putting you in a stressful position which isn't good for anyone. If you have the strength to do it you need to stop listening to him if you don't agree. You will never be able to satisfy and sate his anxiety because it isn't rational.

diddl · 20/10/2013 12:36

Go alone to your neighbours!

Has he also been anxious about yu, & if not, why is he now?

Does he really think that you would deliberately take risks with your own unborn child?

If he's suddenly trying to keep you in now, it does sund controlling.

If he really is anxious, he needs help-& the sooner the better for all your sakes!

Finola1step · 20/10/2013 14:09

I have a fair bit of experience of dealing with high levels of anxiety. It sounds like to me that he has transferred his anxiety triggers onto you and the baby, specifically the harm that he thinks you might be exposing the baby to (not real harm, the harm in his anxious mind).

He needs to see his GP very soon. This will not go away by itself. It will only escalate. His anxiety will pervade every aspect of your lives once the baby is born, unless he gets help quickly. That might be medication, counselling or a combination of both.

Finola1step · 20/10/2013 14:12

Oh and the anxiety about going to a neighbours house and listeria. You do know that this is anxiety brain talking. Go on your own. Enjoy the curry.

Milkjug · 20/10/2013 14:15

He needs to see his GP and get help. You need this burden off your back in late pregnancy, plus he needs to be able to support you during the birth, and he needs to be able to hold it together when your baby is a newborn, which is often a stressful and anxiety-inducing time for even the calmest individuals. You don't need a litany of 'You're holding him wrong', 'The latch isn't right', 'he'll drown if you bath him like that' etc etc.

BrokenSunglasses · 20/10/2013 14:16

It sounds like he has health anxiety, which is medically recognised, it's just slightly unusual in that his anxiety is related to you and his baby instead of himself.

It will be very debilitating for him, and whether his feelings are irrational or not, they are still very real.

He needs to see his GP about trying to manage this, there are ways he can helps himself. If he doesn't want to see the GP then he could try meditation and mindfulness which can be very helpful in coping with anxiety.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/10/2013 14:20

This goes way beyond anxiety and he actually sounds unhealthily obsessional. He needs to see a GP and ask for treatment for this problem urgently because currently, untreated, it is ruining your life and will go on to ruin your DC's life when they arrive. If he won't volunteer for treatment, don't stick around for more punishment and the same applies if it turns out that he doesn't have a mental health condition after all but is using this behaviour to control and emotionally abuse you.

Good luck

Thants · 20/10/2013 14:22

I am like your partner. I have severe anxiety and OCD and would be worrying like this. It has made me seriously consider whether to have children or not. I do the same things when I'm worrying about my partner, I take things out on him. The anxiety makes you feel you are at serious risk and everyone around you not helping to minimise that risk needs to understand that at all cost.
He needs CBT and medication can be very helpful. The doctors can refer him. I hope things get better. Mental illness is hard on both you but it can get better, it's time to act now.

Sallyingforth · 20/10/2013 14:22

Yes he needs to see his GP, and it would be good if you could go with him to help explain the problem. He may not be able to articulate it, or fully open up to the extent that it is affecting all three of your lives.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2013 14:25

I couldn't live with that, I really couldn't.

What were the mistakes you made early on in your pregnancy?

I can't imagine how he's going to be during the birth. Has he decided what kind of pain relief you're having? I still remember a man in the ante-natal clinic more than 20 years ago telling the midwife "We won't be having any pain relief." Will you be allowed to eat hospital food? There's more chance of poisoning there than there is at your neighbour's!!

BrokenSunglasses · 20/10/2013 14:33

If he's feeling like this now, I imagine the thought of the birth is terrifying for him. Poor guy

LittleBairn · 20/10/2013 14:57

He needs to get proffessional help and also to realise how much of an impact his anxieties are having it should not be used as a tool to control you.

selsigfach · 20/10/2013 15:16

This is abuse. I couldn't be with someone who treated me like this.

Have you told him how his behaviour is making you feel and that it is unacceptable?

at "We won't be having any pain relief"

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 20/10/2013 15:30

I would point out that stress can effect the baby, so stop stressing you out with food issues.

He needs to get help ASAP.

Many new parents do tend to panic a little, but I feel for him it will be much worse.

Original poster

Hotmad · 21/10/2013 16:13

Thanks everyone, he does have anxiety issues and is currently having treatment for this. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable and that he was being over the top. He read my post and understood I hope. It's defo not abuse as some of you said, he has a genuine anxiety disorder that usually I have perspective of but bring preggers my hormones are crazy!!!! Feeling better today and did enjoy the curry at my neighbours thnks to all replys

OP posts:

whois · 21/10/2013 16:23

Ugh there is no way I could live with someone like that.

Tell him his anxiety is causing you stress, and stress is extremely bad for the baby, so if he wants to avoid damaging the baby he needs to get himself to his GP and be prescribed some diazepam or something and learn the shut the fuck up. Also, 'mistakes' with your eating? Seriously? He needs to fuck off about that.

It should not be up to you to manage his anxiety, that needs to be his task alone. Don't let him control you or modify your normal behaviour.

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