To think he doesn't want a family home

[SouredStones]

'D'H is really winding me up lately with his attitude to the house.

We both work full time, long hours. The kids seem to be mainly my responsibility due to me working more locally so I do the school and club runs.

Housework is supposed to be split 50:50 but it isn't. I do the bulk of it, he just slumps in, throws his work things into a corner (laptop, books, folders you name it, it's there and it's a huge pile). The kids mess is mainly confined to their rooms unless a club night then it seeps downstairs a bit so it is very much an adult space (that alone angers me as it's their home too).

The husband plays computer games and leaves the cases slung under the tv unit and the cables strewn across the front room. He cooks, but never washes up, favouring the man method of filling the sink and 'leaving things to soak without scraping them properly'

I also do all the DIY and decorating, he never commits to colours so I choose and get it done - I hate an unfinished job. Again he's picked holes in that too saying its 'hideous' (it's neutral ffs!!)

So with all this in mind I'm sick of EVERY weekend him starting a row about the 'state' of the home. How the kids 'crap' is everywhere (it's not) how he 'can't live in this mess' (what mess?! Surfaces are clear, floor vacuumed, shoes and coats all away I even put all his work stuff Away and his computer games). I just get the impression he wants a bachelor pad not a family home and wants a skivvie not an equal partner.

AIBU to ignore his piss taking arse today?
AIBU to think he doesn't want a family home?

YANBU.

Have you ever talked to him about how he does fuck all? Suggest to him if he doesn't like all the crap laying around, he clears it up.

What he wants is everyone to bow down to him, cater to his every whim, polish his turds and have absolutely no inconvenient needs of their own.
He needs a rocket up his arse.

It sounds as though the only crap lying around is his!

It doesn't sound as though he wants a family life. In fact he sounds a bit of a brat.

Do you ever have good times, when you can talk openly to him? Does he make you laugh? Is he kind to you and the children?

Omg that is exactly what my ex was like, and still is apparently. That's part of the reason why he is an ex (but not all of it). He always used to blame anyone but himself. It was alway the kids or me!!

Maybe think about going down the route of putting all his stuff in black sacks in the garden. I wasn't brave enough to do it but maybe you are.

Have you got a dishwasher? If not, get one. Then at least it's out of the way then.

The next time he starts, very calmy ask him what cleaning he has done this week?

When open mouthed staring occurs, answer. Yes I am sick of living in ur shit tip too. This week I have done x,y,z. You need to up your game. I am glad you can see that you are being an inconsiderate pig.

The next time he starts, very calmy ask him what cleaning he has done this week?

When open mouthed staring occurs, answer. Yes I am sick of living in ur shit tip too. This week I have done x,y,z. You need to up your game. I am glad you can see that you are being an inconsiderate pig.

Love holidays suggestion.

Your other option is to clear up all your stuff and the kids stuff, but leave everything of his. Leave his cables, leave the games cases, leave all his dishes lying around. When he next picks a row, ask him why his stuff is lying everywhere if he's so upset about how messy the house is.

Boak indeed!

Being so messy is bad enough but to then have the nerve to complain about mess is even worse!

He's being an arse. Play it straight back at him. Calmly call a family meeting. Calmly ask him to explain his comments to you and the dc. Calmly ask him to be specific about what is bothering him. Then vv calmly, give him a black plastic bag, point him in the direction of his own mess.

Remind him where all the cleaning equipment is. Then calmly put on your coat and leave him to it. If he wants it done, let him get on with it.

Don't have time for a long post, but: I think he is BU, but you are enabling his behaviour.

Buy him a shed.

My dh used to be stressy about the kids' 'mess' (shock horror - a few toys in the living room and shoes in the hall) BUT a) he's got much better over the years when I explained how miserable it is for the rest of u, him bitching about mess all the time and b) he is tidy himself and would never, ever expect me to clear up after him.

So YANBU and I'm sorry he's being so unfair. I think holiday's suggestion is a good one, too.

If you have an agreement that housework/household stuff should be shared 50/50 then you have something in your favour. When he complains about the state of the house, isn't he commenting on his own lack of effort as well?

Can you not say you are unhappy with how things are, he clearly is, so you both need to set time aside to 'have a meeting' and address this?

I suspect that even if he has agreed to share things 50/50 then he will use the fact that you work more locally (and therefore spend less time travelling?) to argue that in practice, you should do more than him.

If you are already doing school and club runs, point this out. If this is your contribution to doing a bit more, tell him.

The trouble with this is that it is so hard to 'police'. It would be nice to think couples could sort things out without a list and a rota, but sometimes it is the only way to be visibly 'fair'.

I suspect you have deeper problems than this tbh and I agree it doesn't sound as if he wants to be living in that household. Tell him that, and see what he says. Ask him what he would like to change, specifically, to make it a better place for him to live in. After all, he can't complain about kids toys strewn around when his own 'toys' (computer games) are left around for you to tidy.

Omg you just described my oh....dot on.The work stuff,the games,the wires...I NOW HATE WIRES!!!

Even the decorating and the family home bit.that is actually uncanny.
Asking calmly makes him do it " in a bit" but he doesnt remember to do it again.
Reminding him again and again is nagging although now i say " you now think im nagging but its not the first time we have spoke about this and now youre seeing this as something to get mad at me about which is not fair" that calms him down but doesnt seem to help him realise that he should contribute.
he doesnt say the decorating is awful but moans why are WE doing it as he hates it.Erm WE?

Pick it all up and dump his shit...

a. His side of the bed
b.on the drivers seat of his car
c.follow the example of a legendary MNer who put her DH crap inside his briefcase so it spilled out in a meeting.

No youre not equal partners and if anyone knows how to change this please share it with me too because I dont know,its very easy to say get him told believe me thats been done and done and i just wind myself up while he doesnt bat an eyelash.To be fair hes crap at house type things but shows no willingness to learn.

Oh that briefcase one sounds good,laptop bags have lots of spacious sections.

Everyone looks natural except Katie who despite looking attractive, seems overly posed.

Erm katie yeah.....