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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel betrayed?

26 replies

Needadviceandfast · 20/10/2013 10:46

Long story short - I've recently fallen out with my parents. My DP knows what's happened over time and reasons leading to it, etc, and has been quietly supportive. A few days ago he told me my Mum had sent him a Facebook message asking him to 'look after' me and the kids (?! Like he hasn't been doing anyway.... Confused ) and to keep them updated about how we all are.

Seeing as I've stopped contact with them I was a bit pissed off by this and said I'd rather he didn't reply. He said he would feel rude if he just ignored it, but didn't know what to say so he would leave it. 2 days later I ask him if he's going to reply and he tells me he already has done.

Aibu to think he shouldn't have replied, knowing that I didn't want him to? He knows how much they have upset me but still seems to put their feelings before mine.

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 20/10/2013 10:48

Tbh I think it's up to him to decide
He's an adult & the message was for him after all

frustratedashell · 20/10/2013 10:49

I understand how you feel but I also feel aabit sorry for him, he's stuck in the middle. But I can understand you're upset. Do you know what he said in the reply?

youarewinning · 20/10/2013 10:51

He told you she'd messaged you and told you he'd replied. So he's being open and honest.

Has he said what he's replied? Because an "of course I will I always have" is different to "I'm sorry you have fallen out, I'll take care of Need until you make it up"

Finola1step · 20/10/2013 10:53

YABU for putting your DP in an difficult position. Your mother messaged him. He is an adult and can make his own decision about messaging back and yes he is right, it would have been rude not to.

If he was to engage in a regular, detail discussion involving you then you would be entitled to tell him to cool it. Your DP is in between a rock and a hard place IMO.

xCupidStuntx · 20/10/2013 10:57

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, I see why you're upset but if you all make up and things are hunky dorey he'll still be the one that ignored their messages.

TheArmadillo · 20/10/2013 10:58

I think you need to sit down and discuss this and other possible scenarios. You will have to let this one go.

You need to be clear in why it upsets you. So examples would be

  1. i have made the difficult decision to go no contact and you are providing them the opportunity to ignore my wishes.

  2. abuse takes advantage of people being too uncomfortable not to follow social norms - we don't pull up people who's behaviour is out of line, we encourage those who have a 'difficult' family to put up with it. Sorry this is a bad explanation but I can't think of how best to describe it.

  3. that this is a very difficult time for you and you need his full support and to feel that he is completely on your side.

  4. he needs to respect your decision about your family - when you come from a family where your feelings, thoughts and boundaries are ignored this can be a very important thing for you.

pictish · 20/10/2013 11:04

It would have been very pointed for him to have ignored them.
It depends what the fall out was about really.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 20/10/2013 11:07

I would be livid.

I think it is rude to ignore your DP wishes that you no longer want any contact.

It would feel to me that he wasn't supporting me.

comewinewithmoi · 20/10/2013 11:10

I have nc with my parents. If dh had contact with them when I didn't want him to, I would feel the sAme op.

comewinewithmoi · 20/10/2013 11:11

Oh and what tittish thing for your M to write. Total emotional blackmail.

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 20/10/2013 12:19

He's being cagey about how he replied so I'm not really sure what was said. He only told me he had replied when I asked him about it, he didn't volunteer that information.

I know he's an adult Confused and can make his own decisions, that's not really the point here. The point is that I would expect and hope for complete loyalty. If he had come to me and said, look I really need to reply, what do you think about me saying this ..... then it would be completely different. I know he's been put in a difficult position but it isn't me who has put him there.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/10/2013 12:21

Perhaps you need to ask him to block her and explain if he maintains a relationship with them it's going to drive a wedge between the two of you?

DoJo · 20/10/2013 12:41

When you say he has been 'quietly supportive' do you think it might be that he doesn't think it's as cut and dried as you do?

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 20/10/2013 12:44

Yes DoJo, part of me thinks he doesn't agree with my decision to go no contact with them. This kind of reinforces that..

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/10/2013 13:00

Very manipulative of your M, trying to get him to pressure you I suppose.

I had nc with mine for a few years which is just limited now, and I'd have felt betrayed if DH replied to her at the time (thankfully it didn't come up because she'd totally riled him as well, which is a feat in itself).

I can see how it could be a difficult situation for him, he's involved - but he's not, it's his business - but it's not.

Really he should be taking his lead from you, you said for him not to but he deliberately went against that. Why would he do that?

Does your mum manipulate him too?

Have you fallen out with her before and he's thinking about his relationship with her afterwards?

What did he say to her?

DoJo · 20/10/2013 13:03

Hmm - it's a difficult one, but if you think he may disagree with your decision, then perhaps this could be a good opportunity to have a discussion with him about it. Do you think you could have a calm discussion about how he feels about the situation and give him the opportunity to voice any doubts he is having. You don't necessarily have to agree, but it isn't healthy for you to have this fairly major difference of opinions without ever having a chance to air your views on the subject and come to a workable way of living with it.

Flossyfloof · 20/10/2013 13:11

As someone else said, a quick message to acknowledge that he will always look after you is OK. Is this fall out permanent? If possibly not, much easier for him to have sent a message, although I do agree that he should not be sending updates - pointless you making the point of falling out then.

GiveItYourBestShot · 20/10/2013 13:14

Is he a "family comes first" person? People who have happy relationships with their own families sometimes struggle to understand those that don't. Can you calmly ask him to block her on FB, otherwise she is still reaping the benefits of being in touch.

Scarynuff · 20/10/2013 13:14

No YANBU.

She is trying to get to you through him.

He should not reply to her.

Ignoring is not rude under these circumstances.

MysteriousHamster · 20/10/2013 13:16

I would be furious. It's your mum, not his, and he knows the issues.

CoffeeTea103 · 20/10/2013 17:21

Yanbu, off course he needs to support you. But maybe he is in the best situation to be objective here. My DH once got into a similar situation with my family, at that time I was very upset as I felt he wasn't loyal to me but looking back I'm glad he did what he did as he really had my best interest at heart.

CoffeeTea103 · 20/10/2013 17:22

Yanbu, off course he needs to support you. But maybe he is in the best situation to be objective here. My DH once got into a similar situation with my family, at that time I was very upset as I felt he wasn't loyal to me but looking back I'm glad he did what he did as he really had my best interest at heart.

Mia4 · 20/10/2013 17:24

I think YWBU to expect him not to respond at all. He can just say 'thank you for your concern' and leave it at that. He doesn't need to play nice. If he did more then that then YANBU, there's no need for communication- acknowledgement would be polite but show his loyalty.

Problem is if he ignores then he would be seen as rude and when you, if you reconnect with your parents, they will possibility see him still as rude and it might be a point of contention to reconnecting.

AgentZigzag · 20/10/2013 17:40

That's like saying it's better for him to upset his DW than his MIL Mia.

When in reality there shouldn't be any doubt about where his loyalties lie.

Mia4 · 20/10/2013 17:48

No, not at all. His loyalties should lie with his DW however, just acknowledging does not mean he's disloyal it just means he's just being polite. In fact, not playing into her manipulating and starting a conversation does OP favours because it emphasises his loyalty. Ignoring would give MIL another thing to manipulate with later on.

He should have said to OP that he needed to be polite and just acknowledge and show her that rather then tell her after the fact and be cagey about what was said. It does make for an implication that your DP finds it difficult taking sides or being in the middle and his quietness may also add to that implication. Perhaps you should ask him what he replied and if he thinks yabu with putting him in the middle or with these parental issues- it's possible that he does- equally it's possible that he doesn't see just replying as a big issue and thinks you should trust his judgement in replying? Ask him?

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