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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this friendship dying? Next chapter!

66 replies

soislife · 20/10/2013 08:36

Hi all,

Thought I'd post again as got great advice last time plus I awoke to a new development & needed some help to decide what to do!

Quick background if you didn't read last post: BF & I friends for over 5 years. Bridesmaids for each other, she's my DD's Godmother. This last year I've been making the effort to contact her, she never makes first move & this year I've had a pretty rough year - 2 major surgeries and I lost a baby. She really hasn't been there.

Anyway last week I asked whether I should just let things be. General consensus was just be there if she wants to see you. Shouldn't be all or nothing. In the week it was her birthday. Dropped round a present and card but I couldn't stay long as she was having a stressful time at work and wanted to rest. I asked her if she was planning on doing anything nice for her b'day, she said her DH was taking her for dinner. I logged into FB this morning and there were photos of a dinner party with some of my other friends. Now I'm really confused (& hurt). No-one mentioned a party & now it seems like it isn't just my BF that's distancing herself, other friends are too (unless they went to party expecting to see me & if they did what did she tell them?).

I can't for the life of me figure out what I've done to warrant this treatment. What do I do? Confront? Ignore? Can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:

Howsuper · 20/10/2013 09:32

Do people really do this then in real life, put friends on the spot by asking them why they weren't invited to social occasions? I (kind of) get why some are advising OP to ask the friend what's gone wrong though I wouldn't do that either, but to ask someone why they weren't invited to dinner...? I think it's not only putting pressure on someone, it's actually rude!

CharityFunDay · 20/10/2013 09:32

Could it be that it was a surprise party organised for her without her knowledge, and that the organiser overlooked you for whatever reason?

This would explain her saying she was off out to dinner with her DH, which was otherwise a complete and bare-faced lie, and worse still one told in response to receiving a present from you.

I would be extremely hurt and puzzled in your situation.

Tanith · 20/10/2013 09:40

I wonder if you've been too needy in her eyes.

It's just that this happened with my friends when I had a particularly stressful year.

When I got through the other side of it, I realised that, not only had my friends been conspicuous by their absence, but they had moved on. All my efforts to stay friends or to find out what I'd done were met with silence.

So I concluded that all I'd done was to need more than they were prepared to give. It's sad and harsh, but I think they really did run a mile because they couldn't cope with what was happening to me and didn't know what to do. Once in the habit of avoiding me, they continued avoiding me when I was better.

Sometimes good friends are there for you and support you through the hard times. I don't think it's as common as people like to think, though.
I think a lot of people do drop friends with issues and problems because they don't want to be dragged down and depressed: they consider they're no longer getting anything out of the relationship.
It's especially hurtful when you've previously been the one to give a lot when you were needed.

I think you may get her back if you return to that bright, happy, social person you once were. You reply to those inane FB statuses, you act as though nothing has happened and you've just been away for a while. Certainly, you never hint that you might want more than a sympathetic, non-committal response to any problem you may have.

You might find that a bit too superficial and false, though. You might prefer to let her go.

southeastdweller · 20/10/2013 09:55

The word 'confrontation' has horrible connotations. This is obviously upsetting you so please talk it through with her. You never know, you or her may have misunderstood some things. It would annoy me not knowing why she felt like this, a friend I've known for years.

Original poster

soislife · 20/10/2013 09:57

Thanks all!

I don't expect to be invited to all events but to see a photo of a party that includes 6 mutual friends is a shock.

Tanith you make a good point. This year hasn't been fun. I haven't been able to go out & she has to come to me & I guess it isn't fun seeing someone living in their pjs, in obvious pain & shrinking before their eyes.

Now that I'm feeling stronger I wanted to get back to how things were but I'm not sure whether that's possible now.

OP posts:

bettsiom · 20/10/2013 10:10

SuperMuddle that sucks. Uplifting though in a way to find others in a similar situation - and concentrating on new things is a positive way to deal with it. Reckon I'll do the same!

Life's too short to get bogged down with annoying crap and frustrations. Stupid facebook!

Colinbakergotfat · 20/10/2013 10:24

Op I really feel for you. And fwiw I think you sound thoughtful, loyal and self-aware - in other words a really good friend.

I am literally going through exactly the same thing. Bf of 20+ years standing and godmother to my ds1 (have lived together too) didn't make me godparent to her dd1. With any other friend I would have been fine about this - but for many many reasons this was a massive snub.

I did actually let her know how hurt I was - she was mortified, tearful, gutted and explicitly promised I would be Gm to her second. Which she had last week. I diverted a massive drive from south to north to drop in with flowers, presents and to meet the baby. Nothing was mentioned and I just knw I am not dd2 Gm.

I am gutted - mostly because last time I had accepted that our friendship had drifted and was prepared to let it fizzle out - but she begged for this not to be the case. Now she knows what will happen and seems prepared for that and it hurts...

Fwiw I think I would just let it go and focus on other friends. I do not think the any of the others at the dinner party have snubbed you.

Original poster

soislife · 20/10/2013 10:34

Colin, thank you :-) What a horrible situation for you too. Think we've both got to try & stop letting other's actions effect our feelings. Very difficult when they're supposed to be the people who are most important to us. I'm just clinging into the fact it's all done unintentionally & it's circumstances that have distanced us rather than me as a person!

OP posts:

x2boys · 20/10/2013 10:34

like I said last time I had a good friend for about 20 yrs about three years ago I realised I was doing all the running and she never phoned me.IT Gt to a point where I phoned her up to arrange a meet up and she said she could nt possibly fit me in for at least six weeks and I thought sod you she has never phoned me since.she does nt know I have moved ,that a couple of years ago I had a really bad time at work [with senior managers bullying] or that my little boy is very probably autistic maybe she has had a bad time too who knows but we were always there for each other and she deceided to drop me frankly I have neither the time or the energy to bother with her now very sad but it happens.

maddening · 20/10/2013 10:53

Tbh I'd want to know why - and heck if the friendship is pretty much dead what have you got to lose by asking? If you do it right there's no loss if dignity, if it's over you'll know why and if not then you cab relax and see where it goes from there.

So I would ask face to face in a nice a way as poss - eg you have valued her friendship over the years and have noticed she has been very distant from you - is there anything up and if she feels the friendship is over you respect that but would like to understand why.

MrsOsbourne · 20/10/2013 11:06

It sounds like you have changed OP and she is not prepared to be the friend that you need and have needed over the past year.

She either cant or wont be that friend who stands by you and is always there through good or bad.
Sad but I would just let it go.

Colinbakergotfat · 20/10/2013 11:14

Yes you are right soislife. I do also worry about the fact that she is Gm to ds1 and I now want to let the friendship slide. Luckily he is 7 so can write his own thank you letters etc. she is welcome to have any relationship she wants with him but I won't be doing much to facilitate it.

Howsuper · 20/10/2013 12:16

If you don't make a thing of it with your kids, they honestly won't notice or grieve for their godparents...lots of people have god parents they barely see. Try not to pass on your hurt to your dc.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2013 12:25

Why don't you ask one of the friends if they know what you have done that is so bad? Not on faceache obviously...

But it might be time to make some new friends.

DameFanny · 20/10/2013 12:35

How well are you now? Would it be an idea to throw yourself an "I'm back" party? A chance for all your friends to come out with you and not be scared you're going to keel over? It might reset the relationships and then you can leave the ball in their respective courts?

Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk · 20/10/2013 12:54

There's definitely something in the air at the moment with all these broken friendships!

Personally I would move on and let her be. She's obviously decided that your friendship is not worth reconciling hence the lack of invite. The fact it's now on fb and she knows you can see it means she doesn't care that you wasn't invited.

I'd be pissed about buying her present! The fact you made the effort to drop it round but she rushed you out because she was 'stressed' is also a big hint.

You need to seriously think about her being GM. If she can't be bothered to be a good friend to you do you really trust her to look out for your lo if the time ever came?

blondieminx · 20/10/2013 12:59

Tanith great post

GiveItYourBestShot · 20/10/2013 13:10

I think Tanith is right, but as someone who has been very needy and has lost friends in exactly the way she describes, I don't want them back.

OP, is there a mutual friend who was at the party that you can trust for an honest word?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 20/10/2013 13:24

I can see how this would be hurtful. I'd let it go, don't contact her, see if she contacts you. Like others have said, the ball is in her court.

Milkjug · 20/10/2013 13:58

Do you want her back OP, godmother duties aside? She sounds juvenile and superficial if what she wants from you is instant responses to Facebook updates...? If that's all she's got to offer to someone who clearly needs more, I'd write her off and if she doesn't make an effort to be your daughter's godmother, get a new one.

Original poster

soislife · 20/10/2013 14:37

Yet more great advice. Thank you!

My health is almost back to 100% so I could arrange some nights out but after being "ignored" for so many months I really don't want to put the effort in, especially if I get knocked back! Would rather spend my time with DH & DD who have put up with an awful lot this year.

The more I think about it it's obvious BF has moved on. Her new BF (who she is being bridesmaid for) is 10 years younger than me (BF is 5 years younger than me) so maybe the fact I'm old and boring has played a part!

Interesting comments about her being GM. We were very choosy who we picked as, as I said up thread, we haven't got many family members so wanted to create a bigger family for DD. I guess she'll always be her GM but her religious guidance can come from our church.

OP posts:

comewinewithmoi · 20/10/2013 14:41

It's at the point where you either ask her or let it go.

Original poster

soislife · 20/10/2013 14:47

Would it appear needy to ask though? It's my dignity thus far that has prevented me saying anything. That's why it'd been six weeks (before I dropped present round) without contact.

I feel I should just let things be now that the initial shock of seeing the FB pics has worn off. I've had a crap year, I really only want positive influences around me.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 20/10/2013 14:51

I really don't understand why you can't just ask her. If you don't feel like you can talk to her truly the friendship really wasn't that deep was it?

Mia4 · 20/10/2013 15:55

OP why don't you just ring her up and talk to her. Tell her you've felt there's distance between you and you aren't sure if you've just grown apart because you're now two very different people. Ask her if she feels you haven't been there for her and then, if you want, tell her you feel a bit unsupported.

You need to communicate though, you need to see what her pov is and where, if anywhere, you can take this friendship.

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