Who's being the arse here about dinner, me or DP?

[Thurlow]

Prepared to get it handed to me here...

DP does all the cooking. Not every night as he works shifts, but if he's in he will do the cooking. He's a really good cook, and more importantly he enjoys it - he likes cooking, and he likes nice food. He's generally in the house before me and also does the shopping, so he's doing the meal planning, iyswim.

I can feed myself and the DC without it being junk, but nothing overly exciting. I can also make the odd meal, but the stuff I can cook he doesn't like: spag bol, jacket potato and salad, casserole etc.

If I make any comments about the food, I'm being 'ungrateful', apparently (I have to stress that he is a lovely bloke and our relationship is fine, so this is a minor thing but it's getting on my wick at the moment). So some days I eat things I'm not 100% a fan of. Not that it bothers me too much as I'm less interested in food, so I'm happy to have the decision taken away and a meal placed in front of me.

However, he can also make a thing about how he does all the cooking - when, really, he doesn't actually let me cook. He occasionally admits this is true.

I'm asking this tonight because I glanced at the recipe he's making and it said 'fiery dish', and I'm not good with very hot food, so I casually asked how hot it was going to be. He got the hump and said it would be nice to "be appreciated sometimes for doing all the cooking."

But my thinking is, he sort of takes control of it and wouldn't be over the moon if he came home to something I'd made, so it's hardly like I'm demanding he cooks... But then again, I'm not offering or making a meal when I'm at home and he's at work. Probably a catch-22.

Not sure if I've explained this properly. But if I have, am I being ungrateful or is he being a bit of an arse about it?

I think yabu saying the day before you don't like something if you meal plan like we do there is little scope for change, would mean rushing to the shops when we wouldn't have to otherwise.

Maybe he is frustrated that you leave him to organise all the meals then complain when there is something you don't like. Me and dp both cook but also meal plan together regardless of who is cooking means we can say in advance 'I don't realyl like the idea of that'.

Didn't realise this was still going this morning!

We don't meal plan together - one of us is at home some of most days with DC so we tend to do our shopping as and when, so there's no meal planning as such. DP tends to make his mind up that day what he wants to cook that night.

Everything else is pretty split. Childcare is equal, and while we both have jobs we do that the other doesn't (like most couples) it tends to work itself out. He does the gardening, I do the bathroom, hoovering etc. We don't have any arguments about housework really.

I think I'm just annoyed because he really doesn't let me cook, any offers are generally turned down so I'm now out of the habit of offering.

I really should just start making a meal one day when I'm home before him...

Neither of you and both of you really. It's just one of the issues of living together.
My DH cooks a lot. It is a blessing and a curse. He takes my tastes into account, but there always seems like an inordinate amount of fuss for dinner IMHO. The thing that does bother me is that the are a few meals that I like, DS likes, are cheap and quick and nutritious, but we never get to eat them because DH doesn't like them. Also, whilst I (like most ppl) don't like the daily grind of choosing/ making/ cleaning up 3 family meals a day, I would enjoy choosing (from my fave books) and making some meals for occasions, ESP when we have visitors. But because he cooks and is fussier than i am he does all the 'fun' meals and I feel as though I'm expected to be really grateful to be married to a man who cooks.
There's an element of control there definitely. I might well be being unreasonable and I probably haven't explained myself very well, but I do feel miffed about the status quo at times.

You need to meal plan together and decide who is going to cook what. It sounds like it is convenient for him to cook most of the time, but you should try to cook at least once a week even if it is a simpler dish otherwise you will start to loose your cooking skills.

It is not unreasonable to have said something about the dish he was preparing.

We "work better" if we meal plan together.
I just want to kill him though if he ke me what's for dinner and turns his nose up if I say "omlette" for example. I mean, I know it's not exciting, but I don't feel like I need to eat restaurant level food every night, I would like for DCs to not eat meat every day and we could probably go to Barbados on the savings I'd make if we ate a bit cheaper.
And I like omlette and spaghetti with pesto.

I never turn my nose up at his food. Even if it's not what I would choose. There a a few things that I would prefer not to eat but I do. I'm not a fussy eater and I like to take the path of least resistance tbh.

I think you should call him on it - the next time he is all 'woe is me having to do ALL the cooking' say that is no problem - I would like to cook sometimes and then do it.

Can't stand it when one person makes a fuss about doing something when in reality they are refusing help, playing the martyr and actually WANT to do it all.

YANBU! In our house things are quite the opposite with me caring a lot about food and therefore doing most of the cooking but I would never make my DH suffer through food he didn't like. We have different tastes so go through recipes together and I ask "would this be ruined for you if I added garlic?" and if he says it would I don't. If I really wanted to cook something a chain way then on those odd occasions I'd just make him something else simple like a veggie burger or frozen pizza which won't kill him if its only occasional. The fact that your DH won't even discuss your preferences with you is not nice at all, and then to ask to be praised and appreciated for cooking things only he likes? Crazy!

Some "foodies" seem to think its some kind of moral failing or ignorance not to like the latest modern recipes and cooking styles but actually a lot of taste preferences come down to genetics and the sooner he realises that the better!

Chain = certain, I don't cook like chain restaurants or anything!

This thread has helped me today. Thanks.
I resolve to plan a week of meals with DH.
And to choose an special meal for friends that I would like to make.

Right, it sounds like you are nbu but I have some sympathy for your dh.
I am like your dh - do all the meal planning and cooking, and dh and I had a little 'altercation' last weekend.
His favourite food is steak, I'm not that keen but last Saturday I went to the trouble of cooking steak and serving it with accompaniments that I thought he would like. When I mentioned it to him he was pleased but then asked how I was going to cook it and tried to helpfully 'suggest' I cooked it in a different way (like his mum used to)! He then couldn't understand why I was really offended!
Seriously, was I bu there? Also when I meal plan i often ask dh for input and he always says he doesn't mind, so I think if he then criticises the food it's a bit harsh.

So I can see where your dh is coming from, but in the situation in your op I think he was being a bit u cooking spicy food. If dh didn't like something I wouldn't cook it for him.

Cat98 as the main cook in our house I do think you were being a tiny bit U. It sounds like you were making the steak for your DH as a very nice treat but why not go all the way and cook it the way he prefers? If his mother made it a certain way then its not a competition to see who cooks better but just that he is used to a certain taste and would like to have that taste again, that's all.

I am a food snob and love Ottolenghi, spicy food, etc. DH grew up on a small island and hardly ate any fruit or veg growing up. He likes his food very bland and simple. When we first met I tried very hard to expand his horizons but then I realised that by pushing him to eat food he hated and then thank me for it I was being very unkind. Now we compromise a lot more, and although I do insist he has his five a day he chooses what five and beyond that we compromise.

It really has helped now that I've let go of the notion that my way of eating was somehow superior. Actually being logical his way is superior to mine as its more local and less food miles mean less damage to the environment.

I think it's OK for your DH to say how he'd like his steak Cat, it's a meat that people have a specific preference for how it's cooked, they even ask in restaurants when they don't for anything else.

If he's doing it in a nice way he's NBU, if it's '...and don't cook it like the pile of shit you served up last time...' way, he is.

The other thing to consider is that tastes do vary immensely.

Think about other senses - sight for example. Would you expect your partner to have to have the same (or similar) eyesight prescription as you just because you're married? No, of course not.

So what might seem bland to one person can taste very hot, spicy and unpalatable to another. Cooks need to learn how to accommodate this.

HousesellerIhope, when you say you like Ottolenghi do you mean the shop? I've just looked it up and it looks gorgeous - I love the recipes on there.

The shop and the cookbooks Imperial - my favourite is Plenty but I've heard Jerusalem is great as well.

I don't mean medium or rare etc, I mean grilled or fried! As it happens I ended up doing it my way and he really enjoyed it. I did say if he didnt I'd do it differently next time. Still think he was a bit rude!

One thing to consider is quite how much effort actually goes in to meal planning and shopping as well as cooking. Especially when you're doing it well in week out forever. Feeding the whole family is actually a really big task, and my DH (for example) can't quite understand that it is not actually comparable to doing the hoovering once a fortnight week. This drives me mad.

I get particularly annoyed when he complains about what I'm making or how I'm making it because, even when I ask him, he won't help with the meal planning. And he's a fussy bugger, so I spend so much time trying to accommodate his whims. I do all the cooking and meal plan ing but very often end up eating stuff id rather not because other people (DH) like it. I hate macaroni cheese but DH loves it and so do the kids, so we have it regularly.

Sometimes I'll make something that doesn't fit his strict fussy requirements because the kids will love it. He doesn't like meat on the bone but I will serve ribs and ignore him grumbling about it. I will get annoyed if he complains though, because frankly he should compromise graciously sometimes and he hasn't had to try to think of something interesting to make, buy all the ingredients and then make it. I really don't think he has a right to complain when he doesn't share the effort of thinking up meals.

I would be really annoyed if he started fussing over the potential spiciness of a dish from the recipe alone. I always adapt recipes and I spend so much time pandering to his tastes that the interference would annoy me. But that's within the broader context of our relationship, where he does not cook (and is barely competent) yet thinks he has a right to tell me how to do stuff.

Collaborative meal planning is probably the answer.

On the other hand, I have no idea how DH can be happy with having to eat whatever I serve with no input. I'd hate that. But, since he doesn't help with the meal planning, that's what happens.

Spindly: give him frozen mash to make when it's his turn. His gravy sounds awful though.

Insisting on doing all the cooking and wanting to be thanked for it is ordinary vanity, nothing to get worked up about. Just eat the vegetables, push the fiery fish-dish around your plate and then hide it under your knife and fork. Contrariwise, if you cook something and are met with Eeurgh, what died, there is no law that says you have to be angry.