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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being childish?

23 replies

charr18 · 19/10/2013 19:54

Hi.. I'm new to this, i'm not sure if i'm in the right place either, so sorry if i'm not!
I'm 18 and I recently found out i'm pregnant!
I've been really stressed out with it so far as I've miscarried twice before in the past, I also got told at 16yrs i couldn't have children due to having Endimitriosis! So I've been really cautious and worried, been for a 12wk scan and everything is fine.

The thing is, me and the baby's dad split up just before i found out i was pregnant, he was possessive and controlling. I told him as soon as i found out! He seemed happy enough said he'd always be there for me&baby!
He's 28! We we're together for nearly a year and just as i came off the injection to get the implant, i caught on! It was just 1 time when we didn't use protection!

So we split up,found out i was pregnant, everything was fine and dandy, had a few arguments over stupid things, i put that down to hormones, but then..We had a really bad argument which has resulted in us not talking at all. Unless it has anything to do with dates of scans, or the baby! Other than that, we don't speak as i don't see any other reason to speak?

Recently he's been spending god knows how much on drugs and drink on a weekend, money that he says he is saving up for the baby! He's been skipping work alot! he's on his last chance now! He's been telling me that I'm going to be a bad mum, that i don't care about the child or anything, it's really getting to me, then all of a sudden he's being all nice and friendly to me because he wants to be friends 'for the baby'.

Basically I'm confused, i don't know what to do for the best. I don't know if to just talk to him for an easy life and so it's not as awkward, or if to carry on ignoring him! I just need somebody else's opinion on what they think, simply because all my friends are just telling me what i want to hear and i need the truth now, am i being stupid in not talking to him and telling him he isn't seeing his child unless he changes?
thanks.

sorry it's long!! :)

OP posts:
comedycentral · 19/10/2013 19:56

Congratulations on your pregnancy. He sounds extremely immature and irresponsible. Do you really need this man in your life? He can still be a father without being with you though.

Caitlin17 · 19/10/2013 20:01

I suggest you keep it polite and friendly if you can. I agree he can still be a father, even if not a fully committed and perfect one, without being with you.

Re the drink and drugs, just how bad is it, and is he a danger to you when under the influence?

If he's violent, you're well rid of him.

Original poster
charr18 · 19/10/2013 20:01

Thank you :) i know, personally i don't want him in my life at all, but i have no choice now, lol. I'm just confused as to what's for the best for me and the baby as hestill tries to control my life now, telling me what i can and can't do because i'm pregnant. x

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 19/10/2013 20:04

Don't think there's any hard and fast rules 'one size fits all advice' tbh BUT I do think you should be selfish and do what makes you (and later the baby, feel ok).
You're going to have your hands full and whilst I would always encourage 'open channels' for the babys sake, if he's not behaving like a responsible adult you're going to need to be brutal because there's going to be two of you from now on to look after and you don't need the added hassle.
It's so hard to give advice without sounding patronizing - i am a bit cringey about what I've written Blush
Seriously though, from now on you and baby should come first and when he can act like a reliable maybe he can be included but until then tough shit.
congratulations btw Grin

bundaberg · 19/10/2013 20:04

i would absolutely cut him out of my life if I were you.

no baby needs a father whose priorities are drink and drugs. children need stability and a caring family... can he provide that? in any way?

bundaberg · 19/10/2013 20:06

oh and you DO have a choice. yes, he is the father of this child. But until he starts acting like it then he has no "right" to be involved in its life (in my opinion)

the last thing you need as a young mum raising a child on your own, is someone telling you you're a bad mum and trying to control you.

do you have family/friends to support you?

Original poster
charr18 · 19/10/2013 20:06

He's not violent towards me, but he is to other people and always starting fights to show off, the drugs is pretty bad, he goes out on a weekend and spends about £200 a night on cocaine alone and god only knows how much on drink.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 19/10/2013 20:09

He has no right to tell you what to do.
If he can fit in with what you want and his involvement is helpful and supportive for you, then great, but it really is all about you now, not what suits him.

CombineBananaFister · 19/10/2013 20:09

Actually just read that he's 28 not 18 as well, so if he hasn't got his act together by now and he's being a controlling dick then you don't need it. Do what's best for you.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 19/10/2013 20:09

If he is controlling then you are absolutely doing the right thing, having nothing to do with him. I wish I had made the same decision in my early 20s. I stayed with the controlling man and found myself in an abusive relationship with the father of my DC, stuck because my self esteem was gradually eroded by the control he exerted. It escalated until I experienced various forms of abuse. If you remove yourself from the situation your DC will never have to witness you being controlled.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you can enjoy it after such a difficult journey to getting pregnant.

Original poster
charr18 · 19/10/2013 20:10

yeah i have all the support i need without him. but i grew up without my dad as he went to prison when i was about 4/5 then cut me and my younger brother off when he came out, i know how it feels and i don't want that for my baby! i just don't want to seem awful if i cut him off, but thats what i think i should do. thank you all by the way! x

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 19/10/2013 20:11

Please just cut him out. He will probably have forgotten he has a child coming by the time you give birth.

Get practising going it alone because that will be a lot less hassle than having him involved.

If he wants a relationship with his child after the birth then you can't just deny him that but I really would not give him your time or thought just now.

CombineBananaFister · 19/10/2013 20:11

£200 on drugs/drink Shock that could have bought a hefty junk of the baby essentials !!

bundaberg · 19/10/2013 20:16

do you think you'd have been better off with a violent cocaine-addict dad who belittled your mother?

no.

seriously, he doesn't deserve to be in this childs life.

I can understand why you want your child to have a dad around, but you know what? you're 18! you aren't going to stay single forever. I know that any potential new man isn't going to be your child's biological father, but that isn't what matters...

Original poster
charr18 · 19/10/2013 20:41

Thank you all so much! it's really helped has all this! he has just text me out of the blue saying 'You're being selfish and the lot you will start hearing about things and maybe see things if you're not asleep just have a good think ok that baby needs me more than it needs you, so what if im on drugs i like it its my choice and its my choice to drink and sleep with other girls' sure helped me make my mind up did that text just then! i won't ever stop him seeing the child or anything i'm not selfish and childish like that and im a much bigger person than that. but that's it now! no more being confused! Thanks again guys! :D x

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 19/10/2013 20:44

don't say you won't ever stop him. It may be in your child's best interests to do just that one day.

I certainly wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my child.

He really does sound fucking awful.

BillyBanter · 19/10/2013 20:45

In fact I'd recommend you speak to Women's Aid now. don't wait until your child is born.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/10/2013 20:46

Keep that text. You may need it in the future.

BillyBanter · 19/10/2013 20:51

Yes, what mumof says! Keep it. Keep all the texts!

AnandaTimeIn · 19/10/2013 20:52

He's a fuckwit. Move on.

I had endo and - surprisingly! - got pregnant and had my DS at 36.

Did it all alone...

His dad was there until DS was 6 months, by that time I realised I was better off alone.

And I sure was. DS is 22 now and it all worked out for the best - he's at uni, I am happy with my life too. Life does not stop if you're a single mum.

Living alone (with kids) is always better than in a bad relationship.

Congratulations, by the way.

Inertia · 19/10/2013 21:03

You need to keep a copy of that text - you might need to justify why he can't have unsupervised contact at some point.

The best thing for you and your baby is to get support from family or friends who you can trust, and from health professionals. Given that the baby's father is a violent habitual drug user, I really think you should discuss him with your midwife and get a note in your medical records. Steer clear of him - the baby doesn't need someone like this in his or her life.

FreeAtLastAtLongLast · 19/10/2013 21:14

Oh no, he really is awful Hmm

I was pregnant at 18, by a nasty twisted cokehead. It wasn't fun! I wish to god I'd had MN then.

Your baby doesn't need him. Not at all. The sad fact is that a young baby and child will love those around them, whatever they are. To grow up loving someone who will bully your mum and put drugs first is so damaging.

You can do this on your own, I did. My life got instantly easier the day XP left Grin and it got even easier the day I called the police on him when he wouldn't accept my decision (all that coke really messed with his sense of entitlement). Life got good Grin

Please please please keep that text, you'll maybe need it x

bundaberg · 19/10/2013 21:18

yes, i agree about telling your midwife about the situation too

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