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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to my brother about money?

20 replies

MrsGaryKielhofner · 19/10/2013 15:53

My brother lives close to me and our mum. I have always been closer to her than he has and they have had a rather stormy relationship for a few years. I don't see him often either.

Bro and his wife have two DC of school age and his wife doesn't work. DB is self employed and can earn lots or nothing. They are seriously in debt and owe mum about £25,000.

Recently, they sold their house as they were in danger of being repossessed. However, they have a large sum of money out of the sale. Mum has asked for some money back and DB had a huge row with her, initially refused but then agreed to £15,000.

They have now got a house to rent that costs 25% more than the mortgage they couldn't pay. They plan to use their lump sum to top up every month.

I think he should pay mum all they owe as the money isn't going to last long. She was essentially keeping them afloat month to month. I am planning on going round to DBs and telling him I think he hasn't treated mum well and he should give her all the money. DP says I should keep out.

AIBU to think they have been unreasonable and to get involved?

OP posts:

crescentmoon · 19/10/2013 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IvanaCake · 19/10/2013 16:00

I would do the same. But do it calmly and rationally and then back off.

rootypig · 19/10/2013 16:01

YANBU to stick up for your mum, but you have to be prepared for some serious fall out.

Does your mum talk to you about this? is she happy with the £15k - she is a grown woman and it's what she agreed. Is she significantly worse off without the £10k? I agree that if she doesn't get it now, she never will.

Tbh, I would be going round there for the sake of their DC, who will be homeless soon if their parents don't cop themselves on.

LittleBairn · 19/10/2013 16:02

I would probably say something, shaming him if I had too. That's a lot of money he owes her and he could have paid some of it back from the sale. It almost sounds like he hopes she will 'forget' the dept.
Its time he learnt to live within his means and be held responsible.

OwlinaTree · 19/10/2013 16:02

Well, they are in a pretty dire situation at the moment. It would be a bit kicking when they're down. They've had to sell the family home, and are going to be using any money they have to top up a rent so not likely to be buying a new home.

You are right in that it is your mum's money, he should pay her back, but actually it is between your mum and your brother. Does your mum really need the money at the moment? Has she asked you to get involved?

bundaberg · 19/10/2013 16:03

i think it's nothing to do with you.
sorry

but this is between your mum and them.

Original poster

MrsGaryKielhofner · 19/10/2013 16:08

Mum is upset about the whole things. She feels used TBH but has always given the money due to the DC.

I think what has annoyed me (and her) is that they have chosen to rent a massive 4 bed detached (DC are same sex so could share) at considerably more than their mortgage when they could have cut their monthly outgoings and rented a more modest house or even a flat.

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 19/10/2013 16:10

Yes they could have. But they haven't.

Tell your mum not to give them any more money, until they agree to a nominal monthly payback to your mum, even a few quid a month.

But your mum will have to tell them, not you.

RevelsRoulette · 19/10/2013 16:19

I can understand why you are annoyed, I would be too, but it's down to your mum to pursue this. She needs to be the one to ask for her money back or a repayment schedule.

Alternatively, if she has an estate, she could say that they won't get anything in the will, because they have had it now , and she could rewrite it leaving it all to you and saying why?

AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 16:20

Without being harsh, I don't think it's for you to get involved, what your brother does with his cash is up to him and his wife, and whether they pay back your mum is up to them to sort.

You can support and advise your mum though if she's asking, although you'd have to keep it in mind that she might tell him what you've said, maybe quoting you as back up when she feels she's being railroaded by him?

If you're not that bothered about him, and you don't sound it, then jump in, but it probably won't make any difference to what they do, just bring down more shit onto your head.

Original poster

MrsGaryKielhofner · 19/10/2013 16:21

Mum doesn't need money as such. DF died a couple of years ago so she got life insurance etc.

I guess it feels like she has no one to stand up for her. She doesn't push things too much as she likes to see DC when she can. That's not v often though.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGaryKielhofner · 19/10/2013 16:23

I guess my sympathy has gone. I see him not talk to DM for ages and then ring to say they have no money for food etc. he always promises to pay it back next month but never does.

I think I will ask mum again if she wants me to say anything.

OP posts:

nkf · 19/10/2013 16:24

They sound like idiots. Does your mother want you to get involved? It's really for her to ask and you can support her as much as you can. She would be crazy to give them any more money.

rootypig · 19/10/2013 16:26

If you do say anything, you have to speak for yourself, not you DM. It will be your choice and you giving your own opinion, be clear about that.

If DM is not hard up for the lack of the £10k, again, I would be more worried for those DC. The family is on a short, painful financial trajectory and sounds like they're in denial.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 19/10/2013 16:29

I think you need to talk to your Mum and see what she wants to do.

If it was up to me I would say that they should pay your Mum back and you and your Mum should go around there together to tell them that this is what is going to happen.

They have chosen to spend stupid money renting a house much bigger than they need - their look out. Also, your Mum needs to stop handing money over in order to see the children - she cannot let them hold this over her.

It is revolting the way they are treating her, especially when she has lost your Dad and is vulnerable and probably very lonely. Bastards.

Preciousbane · 19/10/2013 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 19/10/2013 16:31

I wouldn't speak to your brother about it unless your Mum wants you to. I would however encourage your mum to not lend them any more at all ever. They have chosen to rent a large house - they have options they need to stop being in denial.

AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 16:36

'your Mum needs to stop handing money over in order to see the children - she cannot let them hold this over her'

'It is revolting the way they are treating her, especially when she has lost your Dad and is vulnerable and probably very lonely. Bastards.'

Spot on.

bundaberg · 19/10/2013 16:43

i'm going to take a different view here....

if ANY of my children needed financial help when they were older, and if I had enough to help them I would do it in a heartbeat. Who wouldn't?

If I then realised they were taking the piss I would deal with it. It would be MY problem, and I really wouldn't appreciate my other children piling in and making things awkward.

I can see why you are upset about it OP, I would be too... but your mum has made a start... she has told him she wanted some of the money back, he refused, she DIDN'T give in and now is getting over half back.
You need to let her deal with it IMO

grovel · 19/10/2013 16:44

MrsGaryKielhofner , my DH had an almost identical issue with his DBro borrowing from their widowed Mum. His DBro was in la-la land about money. My DH went to their Mum (who was worried but found it hard to say no) and "borrowed" the same amount as his DBro. He put the money in a savings account and made it available to their Mum whenever she needed it. She was able to say to her profligate son that she had no money in her savings account to lend because she had felt it fair to make the same amount of money available to my DH. Massive sulk ensued but BiL eventually learnt to budget.

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