To think my mother is just awful?

[TheCrumpetQueen]

Can anyone else relate to this?

My mother is very hard work. Ill pop in and see her once a week or so as I live a 30 min drive away and have a small ds.

When I see her she is hysterical, as in she talks non-stop about either herself or other people she knows and about their children etc.

-She will show me people's facebook and twitter pages.
-She talks very loudly all the time, almost shouting even if I'm sitting right next to her.
-You cannot interject if she is talking or she goes mad 'IM TALKING!' even if its related.
-She never asks about me or ds at all the whole time.
-If I'm ill or something and say 'God I feel awful' she will automatically say 'I'm ill too' and then go into a massive story about herself.

Me and my sister are at our wits end and are both going through quite a lot in our lives whereas she is healthy, financially stable etc yet constantly makes out like she is having an awful time.

When I had my ds, she didnt bother coming over to see us until I called her crying when I had pnd and was alone when he was 4 weeks old.
She will never come to my house unless I say come over. She never comes over if me or ds are ill (have bother been unwell for a couple of weeks now and haven't heard from her).

I don't really want to spend anymore time with her to be honest :(

It does seem more common on here, but I wonder if that's because we have the luxury of anonymity, I NC with my family a while ago, and I certainly don't tell anyone in RL. Mostly, because she seems to project herself as some sort of amazingly saintly person, and a wonderful caring mother and grandmother.

She isn't. marriedinwhite could be me from what she's said. Some of it really struck a chord with me, particularly the PND bit.

I cannot tell you just how liberating it is to be finally free of them.

The hardest for me is the illusion she created that she was the perfect parent. The beautiful bedroom, the best clothes, wonderful meals and fuss over friends who visited. And then she woukld criticise them, tell me I should have better friends or that they were prettier or more charming. She was more successful than me, more popular than me, had the choice of the boyfriend field, etc, etc. Whilst I was plain and bookish and serious. I was told I couldn't wear pink because I was a plain child and woukd be the one in the corner at parties.

Even now "I can see the grey under the highlights", "I'd expect you to be living better than in that Victorian villa", "such a shame you don't spend enough on the children's appearance - do they feel inadequate?". And so it goes on and so even at 53 I want to please her.

But I am quite emotionally robust and survived inspite of her. My dd is much more sensitive and vulnerable and I think had she been my mother's daughter permanent damaged would have been wrought.

And I shan't go into detail about the three husbands and upset caused to my wonderfyl grandparents who probably saved my sanity.

Got to ring her later - never look forward to it. Will it be gushy or bitter today? Hmmmm

Oh the creation of perfection so other people would admire - but it never endured. I don't think she has a true friend - just a succession of intense relationships that generally end on a row.

I was going to say narcissistic personality disorder too, though I see several people have got there first. The problem with people with personality disorders is that they won't admit there's anything wrong, so they won't seek treatment. The other problem, as far as I can see, is that they tend to get worse as they get older. Don't know what to suggest, but don't blame you for being pissed off.

To feel at peace with things, totally lower your expectations. Expect nothing at all from her. Visit a little less.

Build up supportive relationships with others - your sister and friends. My friends are much like family to me.

Sounds about right, the perfect childhood filled with tennis lessons, piano lessons, ponies and ballet.

All about the appearance to the outside world. My mum is the same with relationships as yours, nothing ever lasts, nobody in her village likes her. Eventually, people do see through the act, but quite often it's too late and the damage is done.

God alone knows how she's explaining away the absence of me and the DDs, considering I was the one she relied on.

I am nc with my parents. I feel happier and stronger every year that goes by. Of course they are in my thoughts and its sad. I want normal parents.:(

My mother hardly ever cooked, never cleaned (house was a shit hole and embarrassing to bring people round to).

I remember us all looking at the bare fridge all the time. For breakfast my mum would never get up and make anything, we always had to fend for ourselves (and usually ate crisps or choc for breakfast), ready meals for dinner).

Also we always had shit old clothes and never had laundry done, I learnt how to clean my clothes very young. I actually can't remember a time when I didnt do my own laundry.

It's weird because she's always been comfortable financially and we lived in a big Victorian house.

Just weird.

My sister said before I was born she was so lonely as mum would just lie in bed before and after work, never played with her or interacted.

Always a big show when people come round though

I'm just relieved to be able to get on with my own life without having to deal with my mother.
Then again I'm rather solitary and have never been family orientated

Crumpet, you poor thing:(
((()))

Thank you. It's good because ive learnt to be very independent very early on. I can cook very well, I'm very clean. My ds has lovely food everyday and always will.

I learnt how to not do it, I guess.

I was always so skinny in old pictures and no wonder really!

It's nice to know I'm not the only person with a horrible mum (but sorry there are other horrible mums out there) but its definitely made me feel less alone ~ very few people in RL know I don't see my mum.

Her husband died a few years ago and she plays the grieving widow despite never having a pleasant word to say to him when he was here. Those that know her on a casual basis think she is lovely, good fun etc and how awful that I don't speak to her and she doesn't see her GC ~ if only they knew the real her ~ bitter, self~obsessed, nasty, selfish etc. She spent my childhood either in bed with depression (never made meals, took me to school etc) or when she was 'well' out with various men. I didn't realise my childhood was so bad until I had my own DC, who I would never treat like that ~ they are my world and I would do anything for them. My childhood has made me slightly OCD in that I want everything to be perfect for my DC ~ I do silly things like stay up half the night to bake the best cupcakes for the school fayre, getting really stressed ~ but I realise its because my mum wouldn't even go to the school when I was young, never mind making cakes, that I have to be OTT in the opposite way ~ mad I know.

Sorry for long post ~ do feel better for sharing ~ thanks OP for mentioning what is unmentionable in RL x

Sorry to hear that smiles I get the OCD thing. I have it with a clean house and food :)

Yes, I would never ever say a bad word about my mother in real life. I thikn that's one of the virtues of Mnet.

Funny because just the other week I was out with a group of mums and we started discussing our mothers and I said how disappointed I was that my mother wasnt very interested in ds. Others then chipped in with stories about mothers/MILs (one who loved her mil more than her own!) so it was good to talk about.

married that church group for new mothers sounds brilliant, well done. I Used to volunteer for Home Start and loved it. Would love to help new mums somehow

Oh crumpet so glad someone else like me . I am OCD about cleaning house too! Also must always have lots of food and cook home cooked meals (even when I can't be bothered). I go to everything at the school (have sat through many awful recitals etc ) because my mum never ever went to the school or showed any interest in my school work.

Could have worse traits I guess, than a clean home with plenty food!!

[loveandsmiles] and [crumpetqueen] I can't even believe that there are other mums like mine, I thought she was a one off but your descriptions sound so like my own ! Good to know there are other people dealing with these issues too, it really consumes me. I think I need help to deal with it. I just wish I didn't have to deal with her, it's so draining and she goes on and on until she gets a reaction:-(

What is seeing her adding to your life? Other than maybe assuaging some kind of hardwired 'guilt' at not enjoying your own mother's company?

She sounds like she could certainly do with some help, but that will only happen IF she feels the need for it.

You otoh sound hurt and vulnerable - would you consider seeking some help for your own sake?
IMO part of being an adult is to become less emotionally dependant on our parents. That does not mean love them less or see them less, but become less dependent on how they behave, even towards us.

You cannot change her behaviour (whether it's a personality issue or whether she's mentally ill), you can only change how you react or respond to her.

Tbh, I don't think I'd see somebody like her as regularly. For my own good...

Done the call. Oh she's had her best birthday in years - that nice girl over the road had her to dinner on thursday and it stretched the celebrations and they've had a night at a spa. I sent flowers, chocolate and bubbles - no thank you. And last year we all went and took them out to the best restaurant in the county.

It gets me down, but hey ho.

My mother is the same and I have been OTT at times in my attempts to do it all for ds but he is 19 now and at uni and he can talk about this stuff and he appreciates everything and tells me how much all teh time! SO it was worth it even if I was a bit of a 1950s housewife for a while

Yes my nearly 19 year old rang and asked for a lift from his girlfriend's this lunchtime (it's a 110 minute round trip) and I said no and felt a heel (if he can stay out all night and sleep with a girl that sort of stuff) and then the thunder and lightening and mega down pour started and as I zipped on my boots and was about to call him to find out where he had got to a drowned rat came through the door. Now if I'd done that at 19 not that I would have dared stay out or ask for a lift there would have been pursed lips, no effort to backtrack at all, and tutting and I'd be ill and how stupid I was.

As it was we were in fits the moment I clapped eyes on him and it was light hearted and humorous and I called him a wally and not to get the hall floor wet and dd told me not to be mean and we laughed some more.

But yes there has been a lot of overcompensating on the way not least the fact that I tell them I love every day and try to praise them every day even if DS says I only ever open my mouth to criticise me - but you know what he can say how he feels and is confident enough to.

Slinky - yes and no, to your question. I think counselling helped me let go of some specific resentments but didn't really dilute the pain of her comments/ actions in general. It did help me see that i was not doomed to be just like her, and that just because my mum seemed to think i was a worthless piece of shit, didn't mean i actually was! So in terms of my confidence, it really helped me.

But it didn't make me stop yearning for a mum who loved me and cared about my life... And it didn't stop my disappointment, each time that i was with her and she was unable to deliver... It was only years later that i finally went NC, basically because i was tired... So tired of the irrational demands placed upon me, tired of the drama, the hurt, the insults, tired of feeling like she was always there to suck the pleasure from my life.

The most helpful thing for me was posting on here, and reading a lot of what other people had posted. I realised that i am not alone, and that some people genuinely found it helpful to go NC. That really set the thought in motion for me. And when i finally cut contact, and later found my dad (her enabler) had subsequently turned his back on me, MN got me through! Since I went NC in May, my life is generally simpler and happier, and i feel free to be myself. I do have moments when i struggle, and i avoid telling people in RL the truth, but i have never doubted my decision was for the best. To those of you considering going NC, i would say keep posting and don't rush any decisions - only you know what is best for you... But also be aware that NC could be an option, even a really good option, for you

Milly- that's good to know, I have zero confidence so counselling could help with that!
My mum has just left, she came over for lunch around three and left at five, she talked constantly, everything was doom and gloom as usual. My DS was roaming about, he's only 18 months and while she talked to him a few times but never picked him up or showed any real interest in him for the duration of her visit. I detected a bit of a mood because I didn't buy in to a drama that occurred in church this morning, of course she was at the centre of the drama and she was sooo pleased that the priest had thanked her in front of the whole congregation. I could have seen the time when I would have asked more about because I knew she wanted to talk more about it but today I just thought, no I'm not buying in to this! She didn't like it! I was relieved when she left, I feel stressed in her very presence.

Milly I have to agree, even chatting on this thread has helped unload some things I've been carrying around for a while.