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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a little overwhelmed?

17 replies

MrsPeeWee · 19/10/2013 13:55

I am getting constant texts/pictures from my SIL regarding her pregnancy. This is her fourth in 3 years (2 losses)!

It is stressful and concerning. I am getting hourly updates, on a daily basis from her, with continuous amounts of pictures of positive pregnancy tests. This has been going on now for 6 weeks in a row. I know every scan date, every doctors appointment, every time she has had sex, every spotting, EVERYTHING. We are close and can tell each other everything, but when it's now at a point where I can't even vent any problems I have myself because she isn't interested unless it's pregnancy related, it starts to get a little frustrating.

DMIL (her mom) has asked me to tell her to tone it down a little. Her DH has said the same as he feels that by her getting responses by myself, I am feeding her obsession? My DH keeps raising his eyebrow every time he hears my phone beep. I just want my friend back, I can't have normal conversations with her anymore. It is very overwhelming.

AIBU? Should I bite my tongue and leave her to get on with what she is doing? Or should I just pop her a message asking her to tone it down a little? Am I not being very supportive even thinking this way?

This morning was what broke me! I had a text from her at 6.00am with another positive pregnancy test. Ahhhh!!

OP posts:

Aeroaddict · 19/10/2013 14:00

If you are close and can tell each other anything, it shouldn't be a big deal for you to ask her to calm it down a bit. It sounds like she is going well and truly over the top! Something needs to be said.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 19/10/2013 14:04

Poor woman! (her, not you!)

Rather than tell her to tone it down I think she needs support and someone to gently try and get her to calm down.

Losing pregnancies affects people in different ways.

RandomMess · 19/10/2013 14:05

She sounds unwell and very obsessed. Can you have a chat with her about how she is actually feeling underneath it all?

VinegarDrinker · 19/10/2013 14:06

Sounds like she could do with joining a thread on MN (or A.N. Other parenting site)

Sleepyhead33 · 19/10/2013 14:06

Ah, I know it must be hard and have sympathy but if she has had two losses in the past few years then it is understandable that she is pouring ov every detail and becoming a bit obsessed with it all-the first 12 weeks are such a scary time if you have had issues before or trouble conceiving.

Yes she is over sharing but in a fairly understandable way and if she is only doing it with her mum and sil(close friend) then maybe just a gentle chat is needed if it carries on for much longer.

RevelsRoulette · 19/10/2013 14:07

Why can't her mother and / or her husband tell her? are they asking you to tell her because they think she'll listen or because they don't want to be the bad guy?

RevelsRoulette · 19/10/2013 14:08

oh. sorry. missed the sad losses. bit too flippant then.

Sleepyhead33 · 19/10/2013 14:10

I would give her until she is safely through the 12 week scan (yes, I know things can happen after this date but it is a lot less likely) then you can have a chat about how you are looking forward to hearing all the details of the 20 week scan! -and talk about how well she has done to get through the 'scary' part and how she can relax and enjoy it more now?
Would that work?

Goldmandra · 19/10/2013 14:15

Maybe they are telling her to stop going on about it so you are the only outlet. She clearly needs to share the fear and other overwhelming emotions with someone and sharing them is probably better than bottling them up.

I understand that it's overwhelming and 6.00am is unreasonable but perhaps ask yourself why she felt the need to do another test (had she been lying awake all night worrying?) and why should couldn't just share it with her DH.

She sounds like she needs some sort of intervention now to help her get through this pregnancy and to be in a fit state to care for the baby when it arrives. Could you offer to go to the GP with her and help her ask for referral the perinatal mental health team. This is what they are all about.

In the meantime it's OK to turn your phone off at night and let her know later that was why you didn't respond.

DoJo · 19/10/2013 14:24

Grin, bear it and be supportive - if this is how she copes with her fear then just let her do it. If anything does go wrong, you won't want to be in a position where you have made her feel like she can't talk to you about it. Although I don't understand why hearing from her is stressful for you, so perhaps I'm missing something?

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/10/2013 14:27

Put your phone on silent and keep losing it at the bottom of your bag so you break the cycle of respond and repeat.,

LouiseAderyn · 19/10/2013 15:09

I would put up with it until the baby is born tbh. I would also let her know that you will be turning off the phone at night ( or whenever ) and so she is not to worry if you don't get back to her straight away. That way you can gradually be a bit less immediately available without hurting her feelings by telling her to back off.

Original poster

MrsPeeWee · 19/10/2013 15:28

Goldmandra - your post shed a little light on the situation. Her DH isn't at all supportive, he never has been. They are always having domestics. I will grin and bare the texts, etc. I think I may be the only person she has. I feel awful.

OP posts:

DIYapprentice · 19/10/2013 15:36

You may well be the only person she has, but it doesn't mean you have to be there for her every second of every day. Just don't respond to all of the texts. To start with, maybe delay 30 mins before responding, then an hour, etc. If you receive lots of texts in the meantime respond to all of them with 1 text only.

Sleepyhead33 · 19/10/2013 15:43

Why do you feel awful? You shouldn't feel bad. it sounds as if you are being a good friend to her but are finding the constant communication a bit of a struggle.
Hoe the tips others have given you will help you support your friend through this frightening time in a more manageable way for you. ll the best.

Retroformica · 19/10/2013 15:44

As someone who found getting pregnant had and had lots happen when I did, please support her. If you ask her tone it down, she probably will tell you less but still have lots going on in her mind. I think it will calm down naturally as she hits the 12 and 20 week mark. She should feel more secure about the pregnancy. In the mean time you can respond to some texts and just send a thumbs up or smiley in response to other texts. Gives some acknowledgement.

comedycentral · 19/10/2013 15:50

So her own mother and her husband can't talk to her...they want you to do their dirty work. Cheeky beggars

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