Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want to move my plans to suit others?

88 replies

daisydoo222 · 18/10/2013 14:30

I have been going to Slimming World at the same time and the same day every week for 2&1/2 years and lost over 5 stone, the only time I have ever missed a class is when I was on holiday, I have sat through group when I've been poorly, I plan everything else around it.
I have committed to myself that I will continue to go, probably for the rest of my life and I'm currently considering becoming a leader and making it my career (or at least a bit of a side line).
My point is - this is more than just a bit of a diet, I take it seriously, it has changed my life and also improved everything for the family as I now have so much more energy and I'm able to do more with my kids.

However, now my stepson has started going to football training on the same night that I go so DP has asked if I would be able to change my class so that he can go with him.

I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. The only two options I've got to change are: 1) I take the kids with me to the earlier session to get weighed but then I wouldn't be able to stay to class. I have a 1 year old and 4 year old, there's no way they'll sit still and be quiet and the leader has politely asked people in the past not to bring kids unless they can be good. Also it would end up being past their bedtime before I get them home.
2) I go to a different class in a different town the next day. I don't drive so it would mean me having to get two buses and would take me about 1&1/2 hours in each direction.
Plus the people at my existing group are my friends and are great support to me so I don't really want to have to move groups - I know that sounds silly but the group is often like a counselling session, they have supported me through my Mum's death and through my pregnancy.

I'm just annoyed because it's important to me and I feel now like DP doesn't take it too seriously. If I say I won't change I'm going to be the bad guy but I really don't want to.
I'm sure there must be a different football group somewhere? I'm not sure if his ex has arranged this on purpose because she knows it clashes with my class. There's 7 days in a week but out of the whole week she happens to pick the exact time and date that I'm busy. Coincidence?

OP posts:

bababababoom · 19/10/2013 10:59

You don't have to pay if you have reached your target weight, pinupgirl.

I can see both sides of this. I wouldn't dream of taking children with me to a slimming group though, so think a babysitter is probably the solution.

I'm intrigued as to why "get a babysitter" sounds like an easy solution to most people though. I haven't got anyone who could babysit as I don't live near family. Where is the op supposed to find this babysitter, as presumably she doesn't want to leave her children in the care of someone she doesn't know.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor · 19/10/2013 11:17

The OP's DP can go to football with his DS. All he has to do is find a babysitter.

MortifiedAdams · 19/10/2013 11:20

How old if your DSS? Could you drop.him.off and pick.him up after your class?

RedHelenB · 19/10/2013 11:51

At our slimming world children are more than welcome - they wouldn't have many members otherwise! Will dss still do the activity if his dad wasn't going with him?

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2013 12:00

Is it an evening group though, RedHelen?

howmuchwouldyoutake · 19/10/2013 12:21

Yanbu - your activity came first so if there are literally no other options then you trump presence. BUT i would look at options first - how about DH teams up with another parent and they take turns? You could go to class every other week then (which might even be good - for you to know support is still there but you're doing it alone for an extended time??)

Clutching at straws i know - your class is important so stick to your guns if all options are explored but none fit :-)

DIYapprentice · 19/10/2013 12:53

If this was the dp who wouldn't change his arrangements for the ds, you lot would have jumped all over him.

No, actually if this was a DP who had one special activity which would be really difficult to change to another time then no, I wouldn't be jumping all over him.

(Getting to another SW class for the OP is much more difficult than getting to her current one as she doesn't drive!!!)

I don't get this whole 'children take precedence over everything' mentality. Children are members of the family and the whole family's activities need to be juggled. In this case the MOTHER has something that is very important to her, and she shouldn't have to change it.

My DC aren't permitted to do sports on Sunday mornings because that is our church time - end of discussion. When they are old enough to make their own way to an activity we can have the discussion again THEN.

(Probably a different scenario if they are on track for a semi-professional activity I guess. But it doesn't sound like that here.)

chrome100 · 19/10/2013 12:56

I see your point, BUT how feasible is it to attend this very same group at this very same time FOREVER? Answer is, it's not. At some point you will have to break away, try other groups, miss some weeks etc. If you have learned anything from attending (and clearly you have as you have lost so much weight) you should be able to apply these principles to your life regardless.

Nessalina · 19/10/2013 13:05

Definitely not being unreasonable, but not sure what discussions have already take place with your DP (sorry if I've scanned & missed!). If he's just floated it, then he knows it's an issue for you, and considering the weight you've lost I'm sure he's also very proud of you and pleased that you've benefitted from the classes, so I can't imagine he's going to steam roller you on this one.
I would just be honest 'look honey, my class is really important to me, and it just won't be the same going to another one when I've got such good friends at this one. Could we look at getting a sitter so we can both go to our nights?'
If not, then perhaps taking alternate weeks is fairest, because you're both making a sacrifice, and now you're maintaining, i'm sure that wouldn't affect your weight loss.
Good luck!

Iamsparklyknickers · 19/10/2013 13:11

I don't think it's UR for a father to want to share a hobby with his son - that's a good thing in itself.

I really don't get the weight loss club 'thing' in general personally, but as you said you're considering making a move into the formal running side of things I wouldn't think it unreasonable for you to spread your wings a bit and experience other groups? Does it follow that you become part of the staff of the group you're in or do you go where the need and vacancies are (in which case the travelling is something you're going to have to deal with at some point)? It's worth considering depending on how these things work.

Imo it boils down to three people having things important to them clashing, there needs to be a compromise ideally. Could the football and slimming club work on alternate weeks with DSS's mum taking him the weeks your DH can't?

Iamsparklyknickers · 19/10/2013 13:12

X-post with Nessalina

WaitMonkey · 19/10/2013 17:15

Your dh needs to find a solution, you shouldn't give up your class.

mercibucket · 19/10/2013 17:32

Whoever organised the class should take ds

The mum

Or your dh could organise a class on a day he has him

Easy

lifeissweet · 19/10/2013 17:44

From a slightly different perspective, my DS has a step mother. If I had organised an activity for him that clashed with a commitment of hers I would see it as my responsibility to make that work between me and DS's father. I would not be happy for her to be changing arrangements for my DS. I don't see why she should.

I have. DSS and a DD too. My life is a constant juggling act, but with all of the children and adults involved we all make things fit somehow. I don't think you should have to change your plans, OP. I think your DP and your DSS's mother need to sort it out - this is one if the benefits of having so many adults in your family - lots of people to juggle arrangements with!

misskatamari · 19/10/2013 18:36

Completely agree with Lifeissweet. It is up to DH and the boys mother to come up with a way to sort this out instead of just expecting the OP to give up her long standing plans. Losing weight is hard but maintaining is the real battle. Totally agree that YANBU OP! I hope you manage to get this sorted out so all are happy with the situation.

IdreamofFairies · 19/10/2013 19:02

i never normally post on these sort of posts but just wanted to say yanbu and wow just wow at the nasty comments you have received about trying to stop your dp and dss spending quality time together.

not sure what its like every where else but here foot ball training is with a coach parents are on the side lines. not exactly what i would call invaluable quality time. basically your just transport to and from.

to me quality time is doing something with the child not watching but being involved.

the op has something that SHE enjoys and is committed to going to it doesn't matter what it is.

she may miss out and her dss may decide he doesn't even like the training. to those who thought her dss needs were more important than hers would she be allowed to go back then or should she just stay at home in case he wants to do something else on that night.

Footface · 19/10/2013 19:50

My ds wants to go to football training with his df, but his dad's gf won't let him because she wants to go Slimming World at that time every week. AIBU to expect his father to support him?

Or aibu to expect her to change a long standing activity that she has shown commitment too for over 2 1/2 years, because ds wants to go to football training

KittyShcherbatskaya · 19/10/2013 20:29

Of course YANBU. I sing in a choir and rehearse one night a week. It's the only hobby I have left from pre parenthood days, and is my evening of being an independent person and doing something I love. When my DC are older they will have evening commitments, and there will be six other available evenings - or DH and I will need to find an arrangement which means I can still go to choir. You don't automatically come lower in the pecking order by virtue of being adult and female. Option s including DSS's DM, other family members, other football parents, paid childcare etc. need to be considered so everyone's needs can be factored in, rather than yours sidelined.

RedHelenB · 20/10/2013 07:56

Groups run four times a day & children have been to the evening one. Remember, the SW consultant gets money by having people attend!

RedHelenB · 20/10/2013 07:57

And most SW members tend to be women with family or grandkids!

Misfitless · 20/10/2013 08:20

OP is not being unreasonable at all.

There must be a way around this - like all the other posters have said - a babysitter/friend to sit with your little ones.
TBH, I don't think it's as easy as DSS just picking another session - if he's in a team he's in a team, and it means as much to him as SW means to OP. As with my DS, you can't just swap and change - you have to meet when the team meets and all train together.

If it's not a team as such, and just a training type session, maybe DS could change to another day, but then again his friends might attend that particular one.
Congrats on amazing weight loss, don't swap groups and try not to feel guilty. You've inspired me to go back to my class!

Misfitless · 20/10/2013 08:23

I think some people are missing the point, it doesn't seem to me that the DS needs taking and picking up, it's more about a proud dad wanting to support his SS and watch him train, so SS's mum or other football parents doing the transport bit probably doesn't solve the problem.

Misfitless · 20/10/2013 08:24

sorry his DS not his SS.

neolara · 20/10/2013 09:51

This really isn't a big issue. Babysitter would sort the problem. Arranging a babysitter isn't a big deal. It can involve sending one text message. I don't understand why there is a big argument about whose job it is to send this one text. If the OP or her dh doesn't already know any babysitters, it's probably not a bad idea to identify one or two they could use. Not only does it solve the football / WW problem, but it might mean they could have a night out together to have some fun. IMO, all families benefit from having babysitters they can call on when needed.

bababababoom · 20/10/2013 11:54

And how, Neolara, do families without a babysitter "identify one"??

Please don't take your children into an environment where people are praised for weight loss and the focus is on what kinds of food are ok to eat, op. I am sure that being taken to weight watchers with my grandmother contributed hugely to the eating disorder \I developed and was hospirtalised for, that lasted 15 years.

Flip

1 2 3 4