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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take DD out?

19 replies

nurserywoes · 18/10/2013 13:41

Some perspective would be really useful.

DD is 3 and will go to school in Aug 2015. I am a SAHM to her and ds, 1.

We started her at nursery three months ago, two mornings a week, as we felt that she needed a bit of time out of the house with kids her own age to get used to being away from me.

She cries and has hysterics literally every morning we take her, we have to drag her out the door. There is nothing at all wrong with the nursery, it's a brilliant place and they do loads of fun stuff with her. But I just feel that that kind of stress and upset for her twice a week can't be good for her - she was actually hysterical this morning. She just wants to stay at home with me and her brother.

Part of me says that we should persevere as she will get used to it. But she doesn't need to be there, I'm here at home and can look after her....I just feel wrong putting her through this week after week. When she wakes up every morning the first thing she says is 'am I going to nursery today?' and if we say 'not today' there is just pure relief on her face. On the other hand I don't want her to be that child at school who won't go in because they can't be separated from mummy.

Less important, but also relevant, is that our finances would certainly improve by not paying monthly fees for her and we would have more money to do activities as a family.

(Gentle) advice would be great!

OP posts:

BumbleChum · 18/10/2013 13:49

Personally I would take her out. It's just as likely that she'll hate school because she's used to hating nursery as it is that perservering will make her accept going to either.

I have one DS in Y1 and one in R. They both went to nursery beforehand and have settled well. They both have several classmates who went to (the same) nursery and had/are having more trouble settling. Equally they both have several classmates who didn't go to a nursery, and some of those have settled fine, and others took/are taking longer.

The Y1 ones are all fine now. I am sure the R ones will be too. I think different things suit different children. I also think it's REALLY important not to let your child be utterly miserable if they don't need to be.

(I speak as someone who went to a school I HATED age 7, and have forever been grateful my parents moved me after a few weeks - was perfectly happy in the new one. It just suited me better.)

Nancy66 · 18/10/2013 13:52

Don't make her go. She hates it and it's stressful for the both of you. Why put yourselves through it if you don't have to?

howardbear · 18/10/2013 13:52

I could have written your post six months ago!

my ds is 3.9 and was really upset when we took him to nursery when his free hours started, it was really really hard leaving him like that and wondered if I was doing the right thing in allowing it to continue.

it took about 2 months of 4 mornings a week for him to settle in, but since then he loves it!!

I felt the same as you, when u say that she doesn't need to be there because you could look after her at home, but having gone through it I can see why people would pay for childcare they don't actually need, it does wonders for the kids!

I have ds2 who is 10 months, and when he is 2, we will pay for him to attend the setting for 2 mornings a week, so that he gets used to it earlier.

I know its hard but don't give up, im certain its for the best.

JeanSeberg · 18/10/2013 13:54

It's nearly two years still she starts school... anything could change in that time period.

Save yourselves the stress and money and do something fun with it instead!

0utnumbered · 18/10/2013 13:54

How is she when you pick her up? Do the staff say she is ok when you leave? If she is still miserable when being collected or won't settle for ages, maybe consider taking her out for a few months and trying again when she is a bit older.

If she is fine when you leave/collect her, keep sending her. Nursery has done my son absolute wonders with his social skills and development. She may just feel like she is missing out being there rather than at home with you and as long as you do spend quality time with her when she isn't at nursery then it probably isn't doing any harm, like you say she will have to leave you eventually anyway to go to school.

bigwellylittlewelly · 18/10/2013 13:54

Take her out, shes unhappy - however see if you can figure out what it is she dislikes in case for any reason shr has similar issies in Reception.

Out of interest have you hidden to watch her through a door or window and does she cheer up once you are out of sight?

WaitMonkey · 18/10/2013 13:56

Take her out. It's two tears before school. Take her out for now.

Aniseeda · 18/10/2013 13:58

I think, if she hates it that much, I'd take her out and perhaps try again in six months or so (if you want to)

I don't think it will make any difference to how she settles at school. So much can change in two years.

AndysMildAdventures · 18/10/2013 13:58

She just might not be ready yet. By the time 2015 rolls round she will be older and perhaps more ready to deal with it all. There's plenty of time between now and 2015 to take her to short classes like dance or something where you are apart from her but she isn't left for a long while and you could use that to build her up ready for school.

loveandsmiles · 18/10/2013 14:08

Take her out its not worth the upset.

My DD hated nursery and would cry every time I left her. Eventually I just kept her off and we did fun things together (they are only young once ). When she started school, last year, surprisingly, she LOVED it and settled in really well . When she was 3 I think she just wasn't ready to be separated from me.

You're her mummy and know her best, go with your instincts.

spiderlight · 18/10/2013 14:11

I'd take her out for a bit and maybe try again next year when she's a little bit older. You may find that she misses it and wants to go back.

mummytime · 18/10/2013 14:25

My cousin begged to not go to playgroup. His mother took him out. He then started school with no issues.
Some children do not seem ready for playgroup/nursery.
It could be that it is too stimulating for her.

Has she ever settled? How is she at the end of the day? How is she while she is there?

bababababoom · 18/10/2013 20:43

I'd take her out. Compulsory education age is the term after they turn 5, which is ages away - and you know school isn't compulsory at all?

But she will be completely different by then. My now 4 year old was so shy and clingy at 2, she is so confident and sociable now.

NatashaBee · 18/10/2013 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedinwhiteisback · 18/10/2013 20:55

Take her out. DD went to the same nursery that DS loved. She cried and cried and cried and we knew she was a sensitive child. But we sent her to another nursery soon afterwards - it was a quieter, more gentle, more structured, more gentle nursery. It suited her and she liked it.

They are all different OP - different strokes for different folks. They will let you know if they are happy and they will let you know if they are unhappy - sometimes it helps to trust them a bit. Follow your instincts.

If it feels wrong you can break it and should break it.

And by the time dd started school at just turned five she settled much faster than mega alpha and super confident big brother did.

Please don't forget that even though they are from the same family they are different little people.

Hugs for you all, especially dd.

Mojavewonderer · 18/10/2013 21:16

Children are only lent to us. You should make the most of the time together before she has to go off to school. She is unhappy and that's just so pointless when she doesn't need to be there.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2013 21:29

If you want her to get used to other children, can't you take her to playgroups? That way, she mixes, but you're still there for security.

My DGC was quite clingy, but I take him to a playgroup, his mum takes him to play with friends and he's much more outgoing now.

mrsjay · 18/10/2013 21:34

take her out and try her pre school year, take her to some playgroups and see how it goes there and it will save you money do you get your 15 hours free these can be used in someplay groups too

HairyPorter · 18/10/2013 21:43

Ds (2.5) started nursery 1m ago and although initially made a fuss, has now settled in very well. By contrast an older child (3) is still struggling. I think in a way it's easier if they're younger, as they haven't spent as much time at home with you. Personally (controversial view here), I would go the whole way and go for 5 mornings so there's some consistency and routine every morning with geting ready. And your dd won't have to wonder if today is a nursery day or not. With my ds I distinguished the weekends by saying when daddy stays at home then you can too. Also I really questioned my choice to send ds to nursery when he was upset initially and found a fair amount of research suggesting that the 2.5/3 year olds who went to nursery had advantages in terms of development compared to those who didn't. This was enough to convince me that it was worth putting ds through it. It's really about whether the care and stimulation you provide at home is comparable to the range of experiences she would get at nrsery. If you feel that there isn't muh difference then don't put her through it! Me- I felt it would do him good to interact with older kids instead of his younger sibling and he really loves it now.

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