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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking after neighbours daughter

22 replies

lkpink · 18/10/2013 12:59

Really good friends of ours live next door and 3 nites after school I pick up there daughter 9 from school with my eldest two and bring her home till 5. Then every other weekend have her from 7 till 9.30 am and 3 till 7 in the evening Friday and Saturday.
We have three children of our own and I don't mind having her (gets on my nerves at times :0 with bickering) but my husband fed up of having other kids in the house and we get nothing in return. I tried to mention this to her in a nice way. Her husband is really tight and I know wouldn't do it back, she took it really badly but I do feel like they are having these pay rises and im constant babysitter. We rent a farm house and they did help us as they know the farmer so i feel really awful, am I being funny to feel like this?. She says she would do it for me and it wouldn't bother her. I really don't know what to think, I told her I would carry on with and forget it but I cant help feeling taken for granted, maybe im just a bad friend! x

OP posts:

QueenNel · 18/10/2013 13:03

I think she's taking advantage of your kindness and would cut down/call the entire arrangement off. I'd be annoyed too constantly having someone else's kid in my house, though saying that I would be tempted to call her bluff and start asking her to repay the favour one day see what she says.

Tabliope · 18/10/2013 13:04

Just say your husband's not happy with it and wants the house to him and just family when he's home. They did you a favour. You've done them a favour. You can't repay that favour forever. The girl can still come over and play - and vice versa.

Belchica · 18/10/2013 13:06

If you feel you are being taken for granted and don't believe that she would do it for you, test her out. Tell her that you need the favour returned eg: have all the kids on a Saturday from 0930-3 over a few weeks while you and DH sort out some personal matters. If she can't help out, then its time to cancel the arrangements.

Scrounger · 18/10/2013 13:07

You feel taken for granted because you are being taken advantage of. You are having her for 5/6 hours each week plus 12 hours at the weekend every other weekend. You are providing after school work so that she doesn't have to pay for it, it increases her take home pay. How long have you been doing it? Maybe your favour has been paid back?

I help friends out when I can, they do the same for me but you aren't getting anything back from them. If she says she would do it for you, say great can you have them for half the day next weekend. If she doesn't you have your answer. It is a lot of ask of you.

QueenofallIsee · 18/10/2013 13:08

You have their DD 5 times a week - you are NOT a bad friend, you are being taken for a mug! Unless you are being paid/contract you are not under obligation and she is being funny as you are actually saving them 100's of ££££ so no wonder she wants it to continue! Cheeky mare

5Foot5 · 18/10/2013 13:14

Well yes you are being taken advantage of. And surely it could be inconvenient sometimes - what if you wanted to take your DC to an after school activity or all go somewhere one weekend? Would she expect you to take her DD along?

Maybe you should have a few random other arrangements crop up when you tell her you can't have her DD. If she gets a bit off about it then maybe you should suggest that she doesn't rely on you but looks around for alternatives.

CoffeeTea103 · 18/10/2013 13:23

Op your friend is definitely abusing your kindness. It doesn't matter that you are available to do it, it shouldn't be expected. The least she could do is offer to pay you, she would be paying someone else to do it if you couldn't. That's really a lot of time her child is with you. She is trying to guilt you into doing this by saying that she would do it for you if she could.

WillYouDoTheMonsterMash · 18/10/2013 13:32

That's a huge amount of free childcare that you're providing, they should be kissing your arse every opportunity they get to keep you sweet.

I have no practical advice to offer but I think YANBU and she is being a cheeky cow. I'd be tempted to call her bluff on the "I'd do it for you" and book yourself some child-free time in.

Chocotrekkie · 18/10/2013 13:39

I would say after school for an hour or so is vastly different to half the weekend.

Is she providing food for the child - how much is coming out of your food budget ?

I would start pulling away - "oh friend we can't have her this weekend we are busy etc"

LouiseAderyn · 18/10/2013 21:08

I always remember the words of a wise MNer who said that people like this are deriving economic benefit from your unpaid labour.

I'm not surprised your dh has had enough. She is taking you for a mug.

And it is very easy for her to say she would do it for you, but she isn't and hasn't offered, has she?

PedlarsSpanner · 18/10/2013 21:17

please say, it's not suiting you and your family anymore, you are going to stop the arrangement when school finishes for half term

because she's gonna ask you to do full days through half term and subsequent school hols, isn't she?

or, ooh ooh, you could say you've found out that you are offering what amounts to a childminding service, and as you are not registered/insured/got CRB (or eqivalent, DRB I think it's called)/had first aid training you will have to finish.

HAH

PedlarsSpanner · 18/10/2013 21:18

(I know the kid is over 8 and thus outwith regulations wrt formal childcare, but neighbour ain't gonna know this, eh?) pa hahahaha

EBearhug · 18/10/2013 21:22

CRB (or eqivalent, DRB I think it's called)

DBS - Debarring Service.
(Have fairly new certificate of my own.)

PedlarsSpanner · 18/10/2013 21:24

ah yes, I cba to google [lazy]

Altinkum · 18/10/2013 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/10/2013 23:07

DBS - Debarring Service.
Disclosure and Barring Service.

Original poster

lkpink · 19/10/2013 08:48

Thanku everyone, feel soo much better reading that, I started to think it was just me being funny. Going to have a good think and try and sort something out. Its difficult because I don't want to fall out with her but if shes a good friend then surely she will understand. I think she has the opinion that shes really good, she couldn't possibly be any trouble (only child) - sorry :0. Thanku! xx

OP posts:

WillYouDoTheMonsterMash · 19/10/2013 09:07

Even if she was no trouble, that much of someone else's child goes a looooooong way

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/10/2013 09:14

Have you asked her to babysit for you so you and your dh can have a night out? Firstly that would demonstrate whether she really would "do it for you" and second I suspect that your dh might be a bit keener on her child if he was getting regular nights out with his dw as a result.

Alanna1 · 19/10/2013 09:16

What do YOU want? I don't think the after school is such a big deal. But it sounds like they aren't generous recognising your help (eg bringing wine / food / taking your kids to the theatre). But... Are they struggling? Financially or otherwise? I got loads of help when my DP and I went through a bad patch from very kind friends, family and neighbours and often my work still goes crazy (at work till 1am etc) at very short notice. Family and friends help out. I try to return favours in other ways (eg taking all the kids to the zoo or something).

YukonHo · 19/10/2013 09:22

Do you feed her daughter? I would expect this friend to at least offer some sort of favour in return or to pay you. there is no way in hell I'd have anyone aside from family having my kids for that long every week without offering them money or childcare in return.

noisytoys · 19/10/2013 09:26

You are giving her an awful lot of free childcare. Are you aware that wraparound care is £4-5 per hour! (Around here it is £10 for a 3-5 session and £12 for a £12 for a 3-6 session). You are saving her £36/week which is roughly £1500/year. No wonder you feel taken advantage of!

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