To sort of leave my teens to their own devices at weekends?

[sugar4eva]

My own answer to myself is - yes i think i might be as i would feel uncomfortable doing so in a way ..but would appriciate a post re this to look at it !!!

I love teens! Intresting fab folk .At weekends its changed from family time, or teen friends round to it being plans mainly being left open and drifty- apart from dd pony stuff.

This means that there are some lie in s for them and occasional arrangements on ad hoc basis as they just want to chill.If we leave them to own devices its either all day on x box for ds and facebook for dd .They will emerge for meals and the rare chat. I expect that they are chilling from a busy week ,school,sports at school and riding ,but i feel gulity that they are having such a - to me - boring time at the weekend.

We occasionally can afford a meal out which ds reluctantly comes to.We could do take aways sometimes.Weve never been into boardgames.We have llovely ad hoc chats but would like family tim e sometimes and dont know how to do this these days.Any ideas for family time with teens???.They dont like same type films.

My questions are.
1.how can we get just a bit of time with our teens as family - just to catch up on their life. We wash up together after tea- ds goes as fast as can but at least see him!!!!.
2.Is it ok to leave to own devices like this?seems so boring for them - but maybe im wrong - lots of parents we knowtake dc away for weekends etc - we cant afford that .Due to pony and my work hours .
3.So, if it is ok to leave them which we have been doing...Dh and i find that we are sort of hovering in the house - background - making sure food cooked if their friends come round lifts etc.We want to do this as think teens need you to be emotionally availaibel and are happy you are around .But- not maybe to extent we have been doing as it can be a bit housbound feeling .
.But- also it means we are a little unsure what to do at weekends and would it Bu to go off for a day.?Half a day?We have freinds who have gone out every sat most of the day since kids in year 6 /7 which we have ended up feeding ,if locked out etc,and ive always wanated to be around but im wondering is it U to be around just on offchance im needed.??? I dont want to put my own desire to go places were kids dont want to come above being around and a cosy home feeling !!!!

Why not plan to do stuff with your children on a one-to-one basis? (You don't say how many you have.)

Eg one Saturday you go to a film/shopping/museum/castle/whatever they are interested in with one of them; next weekend your husband does the same. That caters for the fact they don't share the same tastes.

Then the Sunday becomes downtime for the kids and you and husband can do something together.

And once every 4/5 weeks you do something as a family unit.

Blimey you need to cut the strings a bit if you're worrying about going out for a day and leaving them

When I was a teen I pretty much just wanted the company of my friends and to listen to music.

My parents were always there for me but they did their own thing.

If they hovered in the background or made sure food was cooked for my friends (instead of encouraging me to look after my own guests) I think I would have felt a bit suffocated.

Just chill and enjoy this time. Find a hobby or an interest of your own.

Your teens know you're there if they need you.

Could you go on your bike while your dd is on her pony
Help her muck out

Take her shopping

Found dh take ds to the footie or to watch it somewhere

We have a 16yo dd whom we very rarely see at weekends. She works 9-4 on a Saturday and then by the time she has come home, changed and eaten dinner she is off out again with her friends. Sundays she plays rugby and this can take up most of the day. We sometimes go and watch but usually she likes to get a lift with the team.
We tend to do our own thing at the weekends and just make sure we are around in the afternoon/evening to catch up over dinner. If she doesn't have a match on a Sunday then she usually just lies in bed most of the day and catches up on a bit of sleep/tv/homework (in order of importance!), so we don't see much of her anyway.
I don't cook for her friends when they come over - they are now so comfortable in our home that they just go and help themselves!

Thanks jean- i think part of it is leting go of the do things as family idea and trying to find things to replace it according to teen ideas.DD and i often at pony competitions which are hours and hours ,so it would work with ds - good idea - i think he gets left out maybe due to this
.DS was off school y day due to strike- i took him for thai meal - lovely to have time with him- but at other times he just says no.

I guess family time could be an ordered pizza - i dont think either would decline that !!!!

thanks for reply ..

How old are your teens? because once DD1 got to about 13 or 14 then she never did anything with us as a family at the weekends.

Our role was pretty much resigned to being taxi driver, cash machine and provider of food.
She would (and still does) occasionally deign to come out for dinner with us but that's about it. She'd rise at about 11am, slob around in her pyjamas until about 1, get ready and head into town, get back from town with minutes to spare before starting work at 5pm. Work until 9pm and then come home for 10 minutes before going out with friends and coming in at about 11pm.
On sundays, there would be no town and no work along with having to be home earlier.

I like family time. If we haven't had a chance to have a meal together or do something all together then I round everyone up on Sunday afternoon and force us all out for a walk for an hour. If the weather is bad i have to bribe them with flasks of soup/making it a winter picnic but we spend an hour together (without the dreaded phones/ipods etc). But then, we do like games so often an alternative would be a game of Uno or a karaoke singalong.

I have 3 children, ds 18, dd's 9 and 4. I got a bit hung up on trying to make sure my son spent family time with us when all he wanted to do was chill in his room either on his own or with friends. It has caused many tears and arguments until one day my husband told me off and made me think back to when I was his age, what did I want when I was 15, 16 etc. all I wanted at that age was my own space with my mum there if I needed her, unfortunately she didnt give me that space and dictated my every move. Once I realised I didnt want him to feel resentment about me like I still do about mu mum things got much better. I stepped back, weekdays were still much the same, he came home from school, ate with us, rushed away to his room or went over to friends houses. At weekends, I just let him do whatever he wanted. Made plans for the rest of us and let him know what they were, if he wanted to join us he did but if I didnt it wasnt a problem. Most of the time he ended up with us at some point but I didnt force things.

Now he's 18 living away at university and comes home most weekends, hes my friend as well as my son. I think backing off made him come closer by his own choice.

Anyway, rambling!

I rarely see mine at weekends. tbh even during the week DS2 comes home, has a little chat, a hug then goes up to his room. I put dinner on the table at 7.00 and he comes down to eat, helps DH clear up then off he pops back to his pit. weekends he is either out with friends, out on a sleepover, in town, or asleep in his pit. we don't go out often with him, he wouldn't want to but after the dentists last week we went for a pub meal then dropped him at his friends. It's just part of them growing independent Ds1 is 20 and has just left home so we see him once a week for dinner. Ds2 is 17 and all being well will be off to uni next year, so we will see less of him then. He is happy, he gets the freedom he needs but knows we are around if he needs us. we sometimes go out and don't hesitate to leave him, he can ring / text if he needs us. tbh we are enjoying the freedom ourselves

you sound like a chilled-out mum, so that's as good as it gets for teens

Why don't you and DH do some things together - movie watching, walking, whatever, that they might invite themselves to? Or they might not, in which case enjoy the quality time with your partner.

The way we handled this when we missed their company (because this is really what it's about) is to do family cooking on a Saturday - try making interesting stuff like sushi, nachos or home-made pizza, which they 'customise' themselves and put some music on while you share kitchen time with them..... then shove on a film that they choose and fall asleep to it

By 15 mine was either out or in his pit. As we live in town we got used to finding bodies asleep in our living room on Sunday morning. If they wanted food they helped themselves.

Actually the summer he turned 16 coincided with tenants moving out of a flat I rent out. As it's just in the next street to where we live I said as long as there was always a friend who was 16 there (which was most of his friends) and they didn't annoy the neighbours he and his friends could use it over the summer. They loved it and there were no problems.

He also got the flat the summer between 17/18

I hardly see my DD1 (14) at weekends. She has 4 dance lessons on Saturday, and then is often out doing her voluntary job. She also has a lot of homework, and several other commitments (music, guiding etc) that take up a lot of her time. DH says our role now is to drive and pay! In fact we do some things together (she and I watch a film on a Sunday quite often) and we all eat together every evening, but beyond that I think she just needs time to chill, read, listen to music in her room, talk to her friends, go into town, go swimming - and we're not part of that.

During the holidays we do have family days out - National Trust, museums, etc - which we all enjoy, but I wouldn't force her to come if she doesn't want to.

So long as she's engaging with us when we talk to her, does her fair share of the housework (she does laundry and cooks) and isn't unpleasant to her sister, I reckon I can leave her to it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, at least you're concerned about it!
I was an only child and at weekends my Mother worked and I didn't get on with my Dad, so weekends were me kind of sneaking around a very quiet, relatively small house trying to not annoy my Dad or get in his way until Mum came home.

You could always ask them?
Also being chilled out, letting them sleep in, not forcing them to do anything they may not want to do is very reasonable.
I agree make the most of yours and DH's new freedom but also ask the kids if they want to join in. If they're home alone the older can take care of the younger and if you're not too far away and contactable then I think that's okay.

cashmiriana - 'drive and pay' sounds about right!!

Your kids have got to have a better teenage life than I did - following my sister to sports events; or getting told off (until I left home!) for lying in past 7am, and being just generally bored stupid and lonely (that wasn't my parents' fault; I was just a shy girl with quiet studious friends).

My parents were there for me when I needed them which was good; but because I had epilepsy they didn't treat me like the young adult that I was really.

YANBU for thinking about them as teenagers / young adults with separate lives.

I have 2 teens and leave them to get on with it at the weekend. Neither they or i wish to play board games, visit museums or go to the together. They are becoming independent young adults and dont need me to arrange their time. I dont want to enforce family time on them and would rather things happen naturally so if i am going shopping and one says he will come and help then good but if he doesn't then also good.
If they come and chat whilst i am cooking then it is nice but if they dont appear until it is time to eat then that is also fine.
I am very close to both my sons and i feel we have this closeness because i dont force my company on them and allow them to be the young adults they are rather than just my children.

I think the expression "family time" has a LOT to answer for. I am certain family time didn't exist when I was a kid, and neither did quality time. It was just "Saturday".
It's fine to let them do their own thing. You shouldn't have to organise anything. I remember at that age, if I wanted to do stuff with my parents (highly unlikely) I would ask them.
I think teenagers probably need a LOT of space to be in their heads, and just mooch, but equally, they need some responsibility in their lives. I would expect a child over the age of 14 or so to be able to cook a meal, clean up after themselves and their friends etc.
Whether it's easy to get them to do this I will find out (not there yet!) but there comes a point where you are sharing your house with young adults, and they need space.
Enjoy your space too! Re discover what you like doing and leave the kids to it.

I ask on a Thursday "what are your plans for the weekend?"

They do their own thing...I take them out one on one sometimes for coffee/lunch/shopping but we never do it as a family. We never have...the dynamics don't work.

DD is still at home . ( DS is away for his first year at Uni )
DD has a Saturday job , so that's the morning and early afternoon taken care of , in the evening she is usually in her room , maybe downstairs with us , but on twitter or watching something on her iPad .
Sunday morning she goes / I take her to Tumbling , she may come shopping with me later ( if she wants me to buy her something . )

It's not much better in the week .

She has dance lessons on Monday and Wednesday ,

I have an evening class on Tuesday ,

DH is working late on Thursday .

We very rarely have time together .

I just make the most of having her as a captive in the car when I'm fetching and carrying . We have a good conversation then :)

We try and arrange things to do together , but most of the time teens like to do their own thing