To feel like Dh wants a 1950s housewife

[thehovelinspector]

Dh works FT in a very well paid job. I work PT in a craply paid job but do the after school care, school run, cooking, shopping, general family organising e.g. Holidays, birthday cards, builders, plumber, school uniform, school admin etc. we have just the one school age dc so I things are fairly easy on that front.

So...tonight dh is moaning because the 'fridge is not well stocked' and last night he didn't have anything for dinner. Except I made a home made dish that he previously has eaten here and elsewhere but he has now decided he does not like this meal.

This is pretty typical. I feel I am expected to conform to this 1950s housewife ideal. It makes total sense for me to do the jobs I do eg cooking but the way he seems disappointed if I'm not making exactly what he loves to eat and haven't stocked the fridge etc. it's the assumption that anything house hold is my job and if I don't do it perfectly his way, I'm not doing my job properly.

Definitely not a sahm v working mum chat. I love working PT and appreciate my job's flexibility but feel like I'm forced into a traditional housewife role and he does nothing of that sort just because he earns loads and i earn a pittance.

Really? Stop accepting this. Lots of good suggestions ^^ already.

He needs a wake up call - & quick!

Stop doing '90%' of everything, he's an adult living in the house, he needs to contribute more to the home - money alone does not 'cut it'. He needs to respect YOU and stop treating you like the hired help and YOU need to stop thinking it's all you are worth :(

I get told all the time on here that I am 50s housewife and my DH is unreasonable because he does nothing in the house. I'm actually happy with him doing nothing in the house because we outsource and although I work full time I work far less hard than he does. BUT he never ever criticises what I put on the table or how I run the house - he is generally full of praise and tends to understand how lucky he is except when I'm loading the dishy as he sits down for dinner and the noise gets on his nerves but I generally tell him to belt up.

I earn 10% or possibly less than my DH but he still treats me as his equal. We work as a partnership.

DH goes to work. I stay at home. We have 3 kids and several animals.

I do all I can in the hours that I have and DH does anything at all that needs to be done because I haven't done it or because I didn't want to do it.

We don't have defined roles. I hoover, he hoovers. I cook most of the time but if I want a night off he will do it no problem. Same goes for food shopping, ironing, pet sorting, homework helping etc etc.

The only thing he does that I don't is earn the money. I don't do anything he won't, I just do more child related stuff because I am here to do it.

Tbh this is very much like back in student accommodation, the cleaning is done by the person with the lowest threshold to living in filth :p

Ah, men and food... years ago as a student, I had a skinny boyfriend who would use food as a kind of power tool -he would demand a certain type of dinner, be far too busy and important to cook it, then decide at the last minute that he didn't fancy it after all years later I spoke to his mother and discovered he had been using the same attention-seeking strategy since he was three!

Anyway, that's probably irrelevant. I like what clam said upthread.

Dh works long hours, earns far more than the pittance I do childminding, and is hungry tonight because he didn't like the look of what I had cooked. He has eaten a packet of tortillas and drunk some whisky. That's his choice. I provided a meal! I am lucky that he knows this is his choice.

Ok, so if he doesn't like the food you cooked - then maybe he should pay for you to go on several week long cookery courses (say in Italy, France, etc etc lol) so you can learn to cook food to the standard he obviously expects :-)

It's really very simple. Charge. For everything.
Childcare: £5 an hour
Cleaning: £12 an hour
Cooking: £20 an hour PLUS expenses
Washing: £7 a load
Ironing: 50p an item
Night nannying: £100 a night

Oh and everything out of normal working hours is time and a half

Sadly a lot of guys are just like this. Usually they've had a mum that treated them like kings who never lifted a finger and now they're passing on the job to you.
You are not his mother you are equal and if he wants certain things he must not expect them, but get them himself or ask you to pick up whatever it is if you're going shopping that day.
I speak as if I have the perfect dh .. Quite the opposite. I do bloody everything! He stays in bed at weekends while I run around doing everything. I do all the housework. He complains if the fridge is dirty or the bins haven't been emptied but he won't do them. The house is spotless and I'm very house proud then after a bath he will have his wet towel on the floor, clothes stewn everywhere, sopping wet bathroom floor..
But yeah.. It should be equal sigh

I work PT, DP works FT. Similar types of jobs.

I would say that things are pretty equal and we work to our strengths. I do most of the shopping, most of the washing and the admin (birthday cards, bills, arranging workmen, school issues etc), DP does most of the cooking and much more tidying than me (I have a tendency towards slovenliness if left to my own devices!). We are lucky enough to have a cleaner who also does some ironing too. If anything needs ironing between her weekly visits - it's up to the individual - but we are not entrenched about it - he was ironing a shirt this morning and I said "oh, can you do this dress for me too please" - it's not a flatshare where everyone looks after themselves!

Childcare is split equally - I do more in that I'm at home on 2 week days and on the other 3 days I get home earlier than him (most but not all the time) but he does the mornings when I work (breakfast, helping the kids to dress, taking them to school/nursery etc whilst I mainly just sort myself out - not exclusively, but I tend to have to go in earlier than him, to be able to leave early), and when we are both at home - it's totally equal. We aren't morning people so he gets a lie-in on Saturday and I do on Sunday. We are a partnership. We don't always function perfectly (there's a bit of competitive tiredness going on at the moment, for example!), but the basic understanding of the equality of the situation is in place - and that is what you need to address.

I remember we were at a wedding recently - DP was telling a story and gesticulating and knocked a tray out of a waitress's hand and some drinks spilt all over his shirt. One of his (male) colleagues said "oh you are going to have a job getting that out of his shirt". I said that I wasn't, as I'm not his mother! The man said - but you are his wife - to which I said that I'm not that either actually! Now I was being slightly disingenuous as a) I do do most of the household laundry (though he would usually sort out something like this out himself) and b) whether I'm his wife or his partner is totally irrelevant - and I was just being chippy - but the point I was trying to get across was that it was both patronising to me and insulting to him to suggest that he couldn't sort out his own bloody shirt!

The only thing I would say about our own relationship and many of my friends' relationships that are ostensibly a team is that (and this is probably a huge generalisation!) it's me (and most of my female friends) who have the management of the family in their head - e.g. whilst I rushed out pretty promptly this morning and DP sorted them out - it's me that knows that it was DS's swimming day at school today and left his kit by the door so that DP took it with him, and made sure that the reading comment book was filled out and that the school photo order form was in the book bag, etc. I think again though, this is a case of working to strengths - I'm better at managing that stuff than DP.

I wish you luck trying to balance things out - the longer you let it go on, the more entrenched it will become.

Earlier I suggested the list thing but he said he'd rather just go himself. The problem is it was not said in a positive way but as a 'because you aren't getting what I want' way with slight exasperation. I said that I'm happy to get what he wants if he puts it in the list but did add that I don't want to be made to feel like a 50s housewife not doing it right, to which he got annoyed and said it would just be easier to do it himself without my huffing. Fine by me but then i am made to feel I am not fulfilling my role.

I'm not sure what the deal is here, though - what is it you agreed between you? In terms of a work/life/household share?

btw, I don't think you are at all BU for wanting respect, or recognition that what you do contributes to the household, and objecting to sulky/passive aggressive behaviour etc.

But tbh, it does look a little from the outside as if you have actually got a bit of a 1950s marriage in the way it is set up. I think most men in these kind of arrangements don't actually value the work their partner does, if it is mostly child/domestic related. They might be quite glad they aren't having to do it themselves, but I don't think they value it, they usually underestimate how hard it is, and are baffled when things are done less than perfectly. I also think that overtime, that attitude devalues their feelings towards their partner, too.

A lot of women, when they have small children, take over the household and domestic side of things, as if it comes hand in hand with looking after babies and children. But then they never give up or get the chance to share this role more equally. Five years down the line they are feeling undervalued and annoyed that they are being treated like a domestic servant... and I can't help thinking 'but he doesn't value what you do. Society doesn't really value it, outside the VERY traditional sahm sphere. What did you expect?'

Obviously it is true that your husband would not be able to enjoy the career and earning power he does without you organising things and looking after the child(ren?) and home life as you do. A reminder for him might be in order. But if he turns round and says that you wouldn't be able to work part time if it wasn't for him providing the lion's share of income for the house - what would you say?

I think the responses of 'sod you, I'm doing this [cooking, household tasks] how I like and you can just lump it' is all very well... but if the husband decided, without discussing it, to change his hours so they were very inconvenient for his family, took a drop in income to do a more rewarding job, or decided to work away for most of the week... would it be fair for him to say 'sod you, I'm doing this [the main earner in the household] how I like and you can just lump it' - then would that be fair?

i am made to feel I am not fulfilling my role
This (and other comments you have made) lead me to think that it's important to you for your DH to approve your work. I think you need to care a little bit less what he thinks of your efforts. Place your own value on them, don't use his (which is clearly wrong). You shouldn't need his approval to feel good about yourself.

fuck him and his prehistoric expectations and ideals.

in 1950 male life expectancy was about 65 years.

in 2010 it was 76 years approx.

Do you think 1950s housewives arranged for a quick dispatch of their DH?

Lets focus on how he can be made to show a little more respect. Because the rest of it sounds right for you, a good balance of work and parenting, and no undue stress.

I prescribe a nice family holiday this coming half term, somewhere you can both feel spoilt. And then a discussion, saying, look, I actually don't mind a few new ideas for things to eat but could you please make suggestions constructively and with some respect for my contribution. I can assure you that my own mother did not take any such crap (she was a genuine 1950s housewife). But when they first got married, she went on a cooking course, as she really couldn't cook and they both agreed she really needed to learn.

My DH once told me he had done MY dishes for me. He very soon realised the error of his ways

I'm very traditional in seeing it as my role to do majority of housework, cooking etc, as I only work one day and one night every 8 days whilst my DH works M-F for his own company. If I'm at home all day I see it as my responsibility to do all the household stuff. However, and its a big however, if DH ever TOLD me it was my role because of the above and he brings home about 4x what I do, he would get told in no uncertain terms where to go!

I agree with sleeplessbunny, don't put pressure on yourself to conform to this housewife type role that your DH expects

If he doesn't like the food you buy and isn't prepared to make a list then say you are more than happy for him to do the weekly shop instead. Again regarding meals, if he isn't happy with the quality of them suggest he cooks a couple of nights a week or takes you all out to a restaurant.

Stop facilitating his expectation that household management is all your responsibility and use it to your advantage to get him to participate more

If he is doing the shopping for "his" things
Then take this opportunity and say he can be responsible for the food shopping win/win
turn it to your advantage OP

Wot baking said

My dh can be an arse about this too op. For example a few months ago we were both quite poorly with the flu. He came home from work early and went straight to bed. I had to soldier on. When I decided I was too ill to make dinner one night he was furious and went to bed hungry!

Just tonight he asked what I was making the kids for dinner-I replied what are YOU making them He was not happy but he made the kids dinner!

Oh dear he sounds bad pinup!

Some useful food for thought on here. Thanks for your comments.

He is making dinner tomorrow

How do you think 1950's housewives coped???

They took uppers and downers and drank copious amounts of Gin!

Now there's a plan with the gin!!

Hahahaha I just mistyped that as gun...that would be a little too extreme

Freudian slip?

After a huge row with my OH today this post rang so many alarm bells with me I had to join up to comment. He runs his own business (faaar more important than anything I can offer) and his ex (and mother of his kids) was on benefits and a SAHM and did all his housework previously and has commented that she got fed up of his attitude regarding housework and his business obsessiveness etc. I gave up my lovely house to move to his area (because of the kids schools and his work (which is mobile anyway?!)) and I hate it here. I run my own business, have just started a 2nd to supplement income and also have a part time job 3-4 mornings a week. He has it in his head I should be some Stepford Wife and that I spend my days doing nothing much. After I spent 1 1/2 hrs today cleaning the bathroom whilst he was out with his youngest I commented to older stepchild that he was bound to moan about it wasn't good enough. And sure enough he did. I lost it with him as am at the end of my tether with being made to feel like my work is not important and thus I should be doing all the housework etc. He moans about everything. Am seriously considering leaving I have to say as I can't be doing with all the put downs and nasty comments. Nearly 3 years in and early 30's; he is late 30's. Starting to think that I have wasted it and getting royally fucked off with all my friends asking when we are going to get engaged. He is a perfectionist and makes lots of comments about my weight and that I am a slob.