I could well be. I've spent a week visiting my parents with a 3yo and 2mo and I'm feeling frazzled

[themummyonthebus]

I possibly/probably am but I'm stewing on this so please give me some perspective.

My 3yo is very energetic. He tests boundaries all the time and I often feel like I spend the while time saying no to him. I try very hard to praise him for the good stuff and just have fun/silly time at some point during the day.

My 2mo just wants to feed all the time and is a classic Velcro baby.

My father is very authoritarian and getting worse with age. There's always been lots of shouting in our house when I was growing up but he's now becoming impossible to have a normal conversation with if you don't agree with his view point. He just cuts you off or ignores you.

The 3yo has been pretty boisterous this visit but I'm doing what I can with a nursing child glued to me to moderate his behaviour. On the whole he's been ok, few throwing incidents but nothing major. I know my parents are finding him hard work, mostly because of age I think - Dad is an old 70, my Mum a young 70. I've also had to ask my Dad a couple of times not to discipline him while I'm in the middle of doing so.

My Dad let him colour in a book today (which may or may not be relevant) while I was out at an appointment with the baby. This afternoon we were all sitting in the lounge when he picked up a yellow marker and looked as if he was going to draw on the armrest covers of my parent's light green sofa. He was looking at me so I looked him in the eye and started to say, "No, don't be silly, put the pen away, it's not a toy." I got to approximately the "N" when my parents both started shouting at him, my Mum just a couple of nos, my Dad really shouting, "No, don't you dare, don't you even dare," several times.

When I suggested this was perhaps a bit of an over reaction my Dad said he didn't want my son destroying their things. I've tried to discuss it like an adult but I've just been shouted at so maybe I am really being UR. I didn't like their reaction for two reasons

1. It was not a major issue in the grand scheme of things. Yes, not great but the covers could be removed and washed if necessary and if they're shouting like that for something like that, what will they do if he tries on something really naughty?
2. There's a definite implication that I am not disciplining/keeping my son under control enough. He's honestly really no different from other 3yo boys and just gets a bit carried away from time to time so throws his toy in excitement, or runs around a lot. If I disciplined him any more we would spend the whole time shouting at each other.

So AIBU? I suspect I am so please just tell me to get over myself.

Lurking, yes, slings agogo here, but when I'm not moving he wants to feed, and I can't feed with him in it.

Glad to hear the other grumpy granddads haven't caused any lasting damage

Nanny, you bet I was docile, what with being shouted at all the time. But it's turned me into a shouty adult, a trait which I not only dislike (as not only do I shout far too much at those I love, but I also won't say boo to a goose with anyone in authority) but that is a spectacularly unsuccessful strategy with my toddler (shouting seems to just spur him on whereas humour, distraction, negotiation and a hint of disappointment stops him in his tracks). I guess my parents look at my methods, rather than the results (this was the first, and only, 'naughty' incident that whole week), and have concluded that I am a lax/poor parent

Anyway, we left their house and contents intact and tidied (yes my son tidies up after himself takes after his dad rather than me and my dad!) and made it home in one piece.

Thanks for all your perspectives and suggestions for management strategies, it's all been taken on board

Glad you all got home ok. Agree with you re shouting - it's potentially too exciting a thing for a kid to be useful for regular behaviour management. It's all Attention, and thus desirable. I try and reserve shouting for safety issues - when I really NEED DS to stop running towards the road etc. Anything more, quickly gets counter productive.

Oh, Nanny, he certainly knew he was being naughty as he was looking at me at me while wielding the pen, with that toddler look, "I'm thinking of doing something naughty..." on his face

I couldn't lunge as I had 2mo attached to boob and my Mum who was right next to him preferred to shout into his face rather than remove the pen.

Forgot to say - sympathy on the parental judging. You can't please everyone, particularly when their preferred management techniques are so different to yours. It's not as if it's likely that at this stage in their lives, your parents are going to suddenly decide their methods were wrong.

I've got to the point with my DM and step-father where I hardly ever visit them. They're just like this - shouting all the time, major over-reactions to minor incidents (or just threatened incidents), obsessing over 'their things', yet refusing to put away valuable items that might get damaged, because 'This is our home - you'll just have to watch your children - they're your responsibility', etc.

So no, YANBU. I'd keep visits very short in future, or perhaps invite them to yours, where your rules apply and they'll have to button their lips. You can do without the additional stress, particularly with a newborn.

Puntastic, exactly! I tried to explain this but my Dad took it as me saying their stuff is unimportant

Anyway, I was obviously being unreasonable over that incident, though I will suggest they put a few things away before our next visit.

Being a mother of a 2.5 year old boy and a Velcro, constantly reeding baby, I sympathise with you entirely.WhWhereas ds1 had all my whole attention pre ds2 I find having to use my voice to control him, but I try to never shout and would have felt offended and annoyed in your situation.
Having a nursing baby and toddler can be very hard work, sounds like being with your parents is hindering rather than helping. Maybe try a visit when everyones more settled. My baby is 4mths and though still feeds as much, I'm better at managing ds1 and keeping him occupief, it gets easier I promise!!

I wouldn't stew on it & certainly don't worry what they think of your parenting. Im sure they werent any better at it. You have a 3mo so you are tired & volatile.

I could be you! Sort of. Except dc2 isn't here yet (due jan). My parents don't criticise my parenting of ds but my dad is very rough with him & quick to discipline. I find it hard to deal with.

That's no help to you. I think just get through this visit. As for pens on sofa yes they over-reacted but suggest you don't have felt tip in the lounge. Restrict it to kitchen table. You sound tiny bit U that 'covers can be washed', that's a PITA to do & may wreck the sofa. Prevention far better than scrubbing out washable pen.

Some people do shouty parenting. I do it myself. Caught it off my dad! In this case it's easy to think afterwards what you could have said to your dad. (There's no need to shout if you let me deal with it I was just going to tell him no when you jumped in). Tbh it's not worth saying anything now.

Parents. Gah! If your family are like mine we fall out & then just carry on. It's not worth trying to deal with them.

Do you see them often?

Zen, they were my parent's pens that they didn't want to put away! I didn't bring any as DS isn't really keen on colouring except the book my Dad let him loose on

Every time my Dad tells DS off while I'm already telling him off I've asked him not to do it (I get an eye roll and tsk for my trouble) but I knew this would cause an argument so I tried to calmly discuss it once DS was in bed. We all ended up shouting at each other Sulked all evening and then forgotten in the morning except for mumsnet

The covers are tiny little ones that rest on the soda armrests so it really wouldn't have been a big deal to wash them, but I've already accepted I was UR over that.

I think your parents just sound stressed by your son....and if you're REALLY honest with yourself, are you a bit lax with him?

Yellow, my 3yo is very accepting of the changes you describe, thank goodness, but I'm glad he's no younger!

You have my sympathies. It is really hard when you are staying at a house not equipped for children. When we visit my parents we are literally out pretty much most of the day and only see them from teatime and the evening, sort of defeats going to visit them really!! However we do have other people to see eg my sister, cousins and a couple of friends. Do you have other people to visit near your parents? I also probably wouldn't have gone when ds2 was really little on my own for exactly the situation you describe... Glad you got through it though and I'm just posting to say you're not on your own!

This has struck a lot of chords. My dad was always shouty and moody with us- and unfortunately, I have turned into a shouty, moody mum (at least I hardly smack, which he used to do to excess, even for the '70s) .

Luckily, they are more supportive and accommodating than OP's parents, but it feels sad that DS's first (he's only had about three) smack was from my dad, at the age of about 18mo. It's also sad and quite triggering to watch my dad going into a huge mood when DS has a tantrum- he just can't deal with it at all. Not helpful

Jitney, honestly? No! Well, I would say that wouldn't I but I think it's true. Of course we pick our battles, like most parents, but when we're out in public or visiting others I can honestly say that we are constantly engaging DS and reminding him about appropriate behaviour, more so than nearly all of our friends. Not in aggressive manner, just an on going conversation with the occasional sharp note if the situation warrants it and an occasionally shouty meltdown when it's been one of those days

My parents are constantly telling people how well behaved he is

I get on well with my parents and they are very helpful with the DC (although I have the opposite problem with discipline - I think they are a bit too relaxed!), but I would still find a week's visit in their home a long time. I find 2 or 3 days enough!

I think what it boils down to is a generational difference in parenting. That generation tended to rule the house with a rod of iron and we all behaved because we were so bloody frightened of the consequences. That was certainly the case in my childhood home anyway

As a result I think a lot of our generation have made a conscious decision not to parent by fear and so we appear lax to our parents. My DM is always saying 'You never did that - I'd never had allowed it'. I've run out of tactful ways to say 'No, that's true, but I don't want to verbally abuse my DC, thanks all the same'. It's a bloody minefield - so I tend to avoid it as much as possible ATM.

Oh StubbornStains that's horrible. I must admit I have been wondering how I would react if Dad 'walloped' DS.

Juneau, sounds a very similar situation to us.

I asked Dad to apologise to DS after a bit of rough play dropped him on his head which hurt him (tears, needed kissing better; DS never cries so it must've hurt). Dad was totally incredulous and eventually came out with, "Sorry DGS, but I didn't really hurt you." Yet he expects my child to apologise when he's done something to hurt him.

OP, I feel for you. My parents aren't too bad about putting things away that aren't exactly child friendly, but they REALLY get on my nerves constantly involving themselves in things that they really shouldn't be. It doesn't take all of them to get my DSs to eat their breakfast, nor does it take all of them to discipline him, etc, etc. And I certainly do NOT need constant advice.

And I really do mean constant, I once got so fed up with it that I counted and I had almost 60 'helpful' hints in an hour over breakfast and tidying up. I mean, really???!!!! 1 every minute or so?????!!!!! All because I was doing things MY way rather than THEIR way (or more to the point, HER way). Oddly enough I had to find my own way because I lived on the other side of the bloody world from them!!!!! (can you tell I'm still not over it???!!! )

I have had some absolutely monumental clashes with my DM over it, and she is finally getting better - guess it had to, otherwise I couldn't stand spending 4 weeks at a time with them. My DSis, however, find it really difficult because they're not as bolshy as me and find it hard to stand as firm.

DIY yes! Yes! A million times, yes! Heaven preserve us from people who mean well. DS does not need four adults to pile into my appropriate, low key telling-off and turn it into a drama worthy of Ibsen*. Nor does he need a cheerleading cast of thousands to observe the performance of his every bowel movement...

*I was going to put Chekov but I can't spell it.