To think this friendship is dying?

[soislife]

Long time lurker, first time posting so go easy on me please!

Just want some advice really as not sure whether to fight for this friendship - feels like I'm doing all the giving but getting nothing in return.

I've been friends with who I consider my BF for 5 years. We were each other bridesmaids & she's Godmother to my DD. we both have other friends but when it comes to the important things we would always be there for each other.

Anyway 2 years ago a girl started at my BF's work and my BF hated her, thought she was a flirt, only wanted male friends blah, blah. I told her to give her a chance etc and after a few months they became a friends after a heart to heart at my BF's work's Xmas party so this new girl joined our circle. Now over the last year they have grown really close, even to the point my BF is going to be her bridesmaid.

Now I don't begrudge their friendship & I'm not at all jealous, I'm just a bit hurt that I'm kind of "forgotten" about. For instance my BF doesn't initiate get together a with me & I dot hear from her if I don't contact her. I thought I'd out this to the test. I saw my BF 5 w'ends ago. I thought I would wait for her to contact me. In the last 5 weeks we had a conversation once (& by text!) & it was when she was stressed at work and wanted to sound off.

Now I'm aware this probably sounds very "high school" but as outsiders does this sound like a friendship? Should I keep putting in the effort or just let it die?

does your friend have children too. usually dynamics change like this when one friend has parental responsibilities while the other is still 'out on the razzle' if you see what I mean.

Do you also know her new friend? Could you all go out together?

No she doesn't which I can see how it's changed our friendship. My parents are dead & my in-laws live in a different part if the country so unless one of us stays in we haven't got childcare. This is why I don't begrudge her new friendships as I don't really go out anymore an if I do I'm back home by midnight. Maybe it's time to let go. Seems a shame when we've been through so much together.

Orchid, I've tried making friends with her new friend. A few months ago I lost a baby so my BF came round with flowers, she asked if the new girl could come round too as she was alone for the evening. I agreed and ended up discussing the new girl's problems when I just wanted to cry!

I've invited the new girl to lunches (as that's the only social thing I can do) but then I feel like the outsider as they sit and discuss nights out/their work/upcoming wedding.

The more I write it down the more I'm seeing that we haven't really got anything in common anymore.

Does it have to be all or nothing? Me and my BF started to drift apart last year, I felt the same that I had been dropped, forgotten about etc and wanted to just leave it altogether. Then I had a good think about it and thought why lose a good friend over it? Life changes, friends drift apart, it's a normal part of life.

Now we don't see each other often, maybe once every 4-5 months, but when we do it's still lovely and we still get on like a house on fire.

Could you do something like that? It would be a shame to lose her altogether if you get on well.

I know it's a horrible feeling though, doesn't half make you feel like shit

I had a very good friend for about twenty years about three years ago I realised I was making all the phonecalls etc and she always had an excuse I just deceided to leave it to her not heard from her in about two and a half years we were really close too both married with kids not sure what happened but I figured friends are like relationships you cant force them?

same thing here! I have kids, she doesn't and is trying and I think that the stresses of that and us living so far apart now is really testing things. It does suck but that's life, doesn't help that I literally don't have anyone else :(

Thanks for the advice. I think I'll just take a back seat for the moment. Over the last few months I've been the one trying to organise things and it's making me feel a bit crap tbh. Think from now on I'll just wait until she initiates something. As I said previously thought it's been 5 weeks and I haven't even had a "hi, how are you?". I guess the same could be said about me though as I haven't done the same. This definitely feels high school :-(

Hula, I'm sorry to hear that :-( I have other friends (lucky in that respect) but no-one I can really talk to. My BF was more like family.

Could you talk to her about how you are feeling? If she is a good friend she will do all she can to get back in your good books.

That would seem the mature & sensible thing. I just feel a bit pathetic asking in some respects "are you still my friend?"

Agree that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Whilst I understand why you're upset, friendships can wax and wane. Keep in touch, make other friends whose lifestyles more suit you, but you might regret letting her go altogether.

One thing that I have come to accept is that some friends are with you for life, or the whole journey, while some friends are only with you for a certain part of your life or part of your journey.

It doesn't mean the latter friendships are any less valid, they've all taught me something, but the common purpose or bond for some friendships, whether to help each other through a difficult chapter in your lives, or to enjoy a life change together (eg the infant years), or a context (eg a job) sometimes just fall away.

It's not a bad thing. Just part of growing up I think.

That said you may find she looks you up on a VERY regular basis if she ever gets pregnant.

I think if you really want to keep the friendship then just be honest with her, she may not realise how she is coming accross?

This happened to me a few years ago with my then BFF, we'd been thru lots together but I was always calling her, I backed off for a bit then I felt I wasn't ready to walk away so we had a heart to heart and got it off my chest. She apologised and made an effort after that, however now our friendship has just naturally drifted apart, we hardly see or speak to each other but she's still a friend and I know if I need her she'll be there but there's no bad feelings.