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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about my in laws

20 replies

pinkbunny2012 · 17/10/2013 16:15

Hi everyone :)
Me and my hubby have been together 7 years. I used to get on with his family really well, since iv had my dd things have gone downhill. My SIL became very possessive over her mum seeing my daughter and would be nasty and jealous. I really don't know why as she has a beautiful daughter of her own as well as a ds. Anyway, we have drifted apart as our children have been growing up as I cannot stand her constant bitchy and nasty comments. My daughter is now 4 and disabled and everytime I see her she will make remarks about what her child is doing fully knowing that my daughter cant. Her and her other sister make no effort with my daughter and neither does my MIL even though they only live 20 minutes away. I constantly used to make arrangements to see them to be let down at the last minute, the last time being when I arranged to meet my SIL and it was bitter cold and I waited with my dd for over an hr before sending her a message saying I was heading home as it was to cold for my little one before she said "its ur job to wrap her up warm!" anyway it was my dd birthday and I invited them all to her bday party. Not one person from my hubbys family came, and nobody sent a card. Lots of excuses were made and there was an argument in the family. Anyway things are civil now but I haven't seen them since and my SIL hasn't apologised for the way she got on. (She also excused my husband- her own brother- of cheating on me) a d its her sons birthday soon. I don't want to be petty and not acknowledge it as its not her sons fault but don't feel like I can be nice and go there bearing cards and presents without feeling like a mug, but I don't want to be nasty either, any advice appreciated- sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

Frostedloop · 17/10/2013 16:19

I wouldn't go, its not petty when you consider they are or have been a bunch of dicks. Not the sort if people I want near my kids, family or not.

Famzilla · 17/10/2013 16:21

Just leave them alone. They're obviously not interested in you. Spend time with your own friends and forget about them, just because they're your husbands relatives doesn't mean you have to get along and play happy families.

She is not going to apologise because she is not sorry.

Pancakeflipper · 17/10/2013 16:21

Send your DH round with a gift and card the day before his birthday. Job done.

Though you might need to flesh out the role your DH is taking in this cos' he ain't looking sparkling.

They seem to be cruel to you and your DD.

Why take anymore kickings off them?

Step away and tell your DH to talk to them about their behaviour and for them to grow up. If they don't want to grow up then it is no or minimal contact.

They are not bringing you and your daughter any happiness or support. Stick to those who make you feel good inside. Once you break the habit of them and feeling crappy inside - you will feel relieved.

I do think you should recognise your nephew's birthday as it's not his fault (and one day he may need a sensible aunt and uncle in his life).

Smoorikins · 17/10/2013 16:21

I would send a card. It's not the son's fault.

But I wouldn't go there and try to be civil to people that have treated you like this.

thebody · 17/10/2013 16:22

you sound the nicest person In the world op.

they sound utter utter bastards.

you and your beautiful dd deserve better than them so fuck them.

what on a earth does your dh do in all of this?

SanityClause · 17/10/2013 16:24

I agree with previous posters.

Send a small gift and card for your DH's nephew. Don't go to the party. Don't invite them to future events.

DontMentionThePrunes · 17/10/2013 16:25

Explain the situation to your dh and tell/ask/some combination of the two him that he needs to think about how things move forward ie he has to do something if he wants to keep family relationships going.

Then leave it up to him. I have in law trouble too and I actually tell myself off for wasting time on it. It's dh's family, I can do default polite and friendly if I'm treated that way myself, when I'm not it's a different story and really he needs to be on top of it (as I would be if it were my family).

SanityClause · 17/10/2013 16:25

No, actually, do invite them to future events, but just as a courtesy. Don't expect them to be there.

Original poster

pinkbunny2012 · 17/10/2013 16:29

I was thinking of getting a gift and a card and giving it to my husband after work to take up to her house. I don't want to be nasty or horrible to the child and I don't want to cause a row on his birthday so I think im just going to do that. Its really difficult as it makes me so angry. I even put up my MIL and FIL for 3 months whilst they were in the process of selling there house and never took a single penny from them and never even asked them to buy any food, I bought everything they liked and took my dd out of her room, got cable tv for them. And I found out my MIL was bitching behind my back to my SIL and everything I did was reported back to them, if im being honest I don't want anymore to do with them, but my husband asks me to be civil for his sake, it just seems like a big ask, I really don't want them in my life anymore, its just difficult as my MIL says things like "she wont call me nanny" as if its my fault??!

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 17/10/2013 16:29

Why is it OP's responsibility to do anything for a nephew on DH's side?

Original poster

pinkbunny2012 · 17/10/2013 16:32

I do it because my husband probably wouldn't have a clue what to buy, and I feel sorry for my nephew, my SIL doesn't show him much attention or buy him much and we used to be close, he used to stay at our house and play with my dd, I just feel awful for my dd, she finds it difficult to make friends and she has 2 cousins that she could play who are her family, I always get this feeling like maybe I could do more, but I honestly don't know what more I can do? xx

OP posts:

Famzilla · 17/10/2013 16:35

Sorry I just realised my last post seems quite blunt. I didn't mean it to be, you sound lovely OP and I just think you deserve better than these people.

Pancakeflipper · 17/10/2013 16:36

You cannot do anymore. This is their issue not you. You are their target. You fulfill a role in their lives because they need to bitch and run someone down. If it was not you it would be someone else - they are critical women who get kicks out of feeling superior over someone else.

Stop being that someone in their lives. Step silently away. Don't give them the glory of exploding in temper or even trying to fix it. It's them not you.

digerd · 17/10/2013 16:36

Your DH said he wants you to be civil for his sake? That is so selfish of him. It is his role to stand up for you and tell his family their behaviour towards you and his DD is disgusting and intolerable.

Original poster

pinkbunny2012 · 17/10/2013 16:40

That's ok Famzilla and thanks, I do feel like that no matter what I do it will never be enough, and I have told my husband that but it always seems to end up in a huge row with him saying he cant cut them out because there his family, I always say he doesn't need to cut them out just say that he wont allow me but more importantly his daughter to be treated that way. Just feel rubbish about it all, sorry for the rant xx

OP posts:

thebody · 17/10/2013 16:52

you are quite right op and your dh needs to take a long hard look at his behaviour and where his loyalties lie.

don't argue with him just state that you are no longer going to expose HIS wife and HIS daughter to their nasty vile comments or toxic company.

by all means post a card/present to your nephews but have no contact at all with the adults. they don't deserve any.

Scrounger · 17/10/2013 16:52

My PILs are lovely, my SIL can be pretty awful, nice for a lot of the time but if you cross some imaginary line she is a real cow. Nothing in your SILs league though.

My DH also asks me to be nice to her as he has 'enough on his plate' at the moment. I always used to do this until I realised (thank you MN) that actually I was the reasonable one who was trying to make it work and my SIL was being a bully. It was easier for my DH to get me to back down rather than call his sister on her behaviour. It has always been like this in their family.

I now have a different approach, if there is a problem I will tell DH how far I am prepared to be pushed, once it hits that line I will not go any further and I will leave the event or not see his family when his SIL is there. He either has to accept my position or he has to do something about it before it hits that point. I stand up for myself with her but I am not going to get into an argument with her, she is capable of being a right cow and I just won't go there. I cannot control SIL's behaviour, I can control whether or not I am there.

Your SIL and MIL have shown that they do not care time and time again, don't bang your head against the wall. If your DH wants to see them, he needs to initiate it and make sure that you and your DD are treated with respect.

Original poster

pinkbunny2012 · 17/10/2013 17:03

Thanks everyone, its just so awkward with family events, as we go and see my FIL quite a bit, who thinks the world of our dd, (he couldn't be at our daughters party because he had a hospital appointment which is obviously fine) and I always don't know what to do if I see them there. my hubby wants to go and see them on xmas day and I cant think of any worse way to spend Christmas and I don't know what to do for the best. I said to him could we buy the children presents and leave them at our FIL but he wants to go and see them, I don't want ill feeling over Christmas and I don't want an argument over Christmas or to be seen as the unreasonable one, its really difficult to know what to do for the best xx

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 17/10/2013 17:28

Send a card to the child, and ignore them until they have some manners.

The have got into a pattern of being abusive, so leave them to it, if your husband wants to spend time with them, fine, you don't have to subject yourself and daughter to rude behaviour.

Scrounger · 17/10/2013 17:35

Agree with quoteunquote, why spoil your day. I wouldn't spend time with them, your DD deserves better than them. If your DH wants to go maybe he can take the presents over on Christmas Eve.

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