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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him i'm done

11 replies

dementedmumof6 · 16/10/2013 23:27

Stbxh has a new girlfriend whom he been going out with for 3/4 months and is the love of his life, I know this as he told me after they had been going out for 2 months that he had never felt this way about anyone before, yeah forget about our 6kids and 17year relationship.Hmm

He had mentioned to the kids that he was going to take them on holiday next year so I asked him when he was planning to go as would have to be during the holidays as eldest son has exams next year and dd has prelims, also asked who was going as dd wouldn't go if he was taking his girlfriend as she doesn't have the best relationship with her dad and doesn't want to know the girlfriend.

And his response was well she a big girl and if doesn't want to come that's up to her, as one child out of six not liking the girlfriend isn't bad and it's my fault that she doesn't like her as I don't make an effort to socialise with him and the girlfriend and show her that i'm fine with the relationship so she should be aswell. Eh no I havn't socialised with them both because he treated me badly, but have always encouraged the kids to spend time with him and haven't stopped them from seeing the girlfriend and had her son to my house as he is friends with my youngest son.

So would I be unreasonable to tell him that from now on if he wants a relationship with the kids then it's upto him to arrange it and talk to them and next time he has a problem with our eldest dd that I won't be encouraging her to see him or trying to smooth it over for him and he can sort it himself .

sorry that was a lot longer than expected

OP posts:
AndysMildAdventures · 17/10/2013 00:01

Kids first. What's best for them? Leaving all the arrangements to him? Or you staying involved a bit?

AnnieLobeseder · 17/10/2013 00:05

He wants you to socialise with him and his new GF?!?! Shock

WTAF?! He should consider himself lucky you speak to him at all!

Leave everything up to him. You owe him nothing. If he wants a good relationship with his children, well, it's up to him to have one. As long as you are actively turning your DC against him, he has nothing to complain about and can't expect anything from you.

Original poster
dementedmumof6 · 17/10/2013 00:40

I had been putting the kids first and trying to stay involved in such a way that when they were going to their dads and my dd wanted to stay home I encouraged her to go but after yesterday when he told me that as far as he is concerned that its my dd job to make the relationship work i'm done.
I mean she 14 he's the grown-up even my youngest son who is friends with the girlfriends son is getting sick of only seeing his dad with the girlfriend or her being brought into every conversation he has .

OP posts:
Libertine73 · 17/10/2013 00:45

Yes, leave it up to them/him, she shouldn't have to go if she doesn't want to.

As for socialising with the gf, bollocks to that!

You sound a lovely mum, he sounds like a bit of a twat!

shellbot · 17/10/2013 09:28

YANBU I'm in a similar situation with my ex. I posted about it on here and got some good advice. Now I try and keep out of it but just be there for my DS. I wouldn't encourage your daughter to go if she doesn't want to as at 14 she's old enough to know her own mind. Maybe you could use the time to do some nice things together just the two of you.

This is my post if you want to have a look.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1849398-To-think-that-if-youve-upset-your-DS-you-dont-just-shrug-your-shoulders-and-say-you-havent-done-anything-wrong?msgid=41484563

TheHouseCleaner · 17/10/2013 09:34

Leave it to him.

I learned a valuable and almost life-changing expression recently. "It's not your job to manage... ".

It's not your job to manage your ex's relationships. It's not your job to manage your ex's holiday plans. It's not your job to manage your ex's inability to sort out his difficulties with the children.

He's an adult, it's down to him to take responsibility for his family relationships, it's not your duty to manage, arrange or smooth them out. The sooner you stop taking on his responsibilities the sooner you will find yourself far less stressed and irritated by him.

SeaSickSal · 17/10/2013 16:52

He's a twat to you obviously. And he should make the effort to sort things out with the kids himself, you don't have to have anything to do with them beyond sorting out the kids contact so YANBU for that.

But it does sound like you were trying to dictate to him whether or not his girlfriend could go on holiday with them and using your daughter to emotionally blackmail him into leaving the girlfriend behind and YABU for that.

It sounds like you are both game playing a bit. Just withdraw from it, only communicate about the kids, don't get into petty game playing and just leave them to it.

You do sound like a lovely Mum but it does sound as though you are still a bit too emotionally invested in this man and you're trying to stir things up between him and the girlfriend a bit. It's not working though, he seems to have realized that it winds you up and is playing on that.

Just ignore, ignore, ignore. Move on.

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 16:55

Yanbu

Original poster
dementedmumof6 · 17/10/2013 19:41

SeaSickSal My concern was actually making sure he booked the holiday during the school holidays and not term time as he had intended, he only mentioned bringing the girlfriend after I told him that it wasn't appropriate for me to go on a family holiday with him and the kids.

He complained to me that our dd never spends anytime with him and is very vocal about her dislike of him and his girlfriend, his response to that was " I don't know how to speak to her she is a stroppy antisocial nightmare and the fact I havn't shouted at her for the comments I've heard she has said about my girlfriend is me making the effort" so I spoke to her and told her no matter what happens he is her dad and she has to show respect to him and the girlfriend but have decided I won't bother anymore as regardless what happens I get the blame.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/10/2013 19:47

I think you need to do whatever's best for the kids at the time.

I say at the time because over the course of time that can change.

It must be difficult for them to accept their Dad's new GF but maybe he feels defensive of her because she has done nothing wrong.

He needs to realise why his DD his hurting though and tackle that, instead of getting all huffy about her non acceptance of her.

josephinebruce · 17/10/2013 20:23

Teenagers are stroppy - he needs to deal with it.
You are NBU.

He's a twat and what he's feeling is not love, it's lust. It will end and then he'll end up with shit relationships with his children.

But they have you.....that's worth more, in the end. xx

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