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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a mean DIL?

13 replies

IWishYouWould · 16/10/2013 23:16

I have the best relationship with my pil. They are truly wonderful people, help us a lot and do childcare whilst i work p/t. Both mine and DH families are a little complicated with step parents on both sides, but its all happy.

My dilema is that we have always done alternate years on Christmas Day for my parents (mum, step dad, g'ma & uncle) and DH's (pil & sil) This year it's his family's turn. We always put my dad and step mum with them as it's one big day and they have a great time. This year we would like to have everyone (except my parents) at ours. It will be a squash and eating off laps with about 16 of us, but a day me and dh would look forward to. The kids have everyone here and those were the most treasured memories for me growing up. My parents live so far away that my brother is often with me. He and his girlfriend want to be with us to share with the kids (kids toyscough coughWink )

mil want Christmas Day at her house as she hasn't hosted for a while. but just her family and wants us to do another one separate for my side. She's not vindictive or anything like that and it was a request (if a little pushy) not a demand.

So far I have asked everyone to let us know what dates they can do and if it works out doing two days has to happen then so be it. But we are visiting other family members for NYE. neither of us want to do 3 Christmas days.

So are we being mean or should we stick to what we want to do?

If that made sense phew!

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 16/10/2013 23:22

Nones being mean really it's just you have different ideas about how you want to spend your day.

If you really want to be at home that's perfectly fine

CoffeeTea103 · 16/10/2013 23:26

Why would you be doing the 3rd Christmas Day? I can see from mil point of view as she hasn't hosted. If you have to do 2 days then do it. Tbh you have a good relationship with your in laws, don't spoil it. Christmas will come again next year, and next year it will be with your family as well so you can decide then how it goes.

It really isn't worth the hassle of upsetting anyone. But as you are still waiting for dates from everyone it might just work out.

BackforGood · 16/10/2013 23:34

With that number of people, why not do 'boxing Day Buffet' (or whatever other day suits.
tbh I wouldn't want Christmas dinner balanced on laps, and I'm not old enough to be a Grandparent yet - it does seem to make sense to go to them for Christmas dinner, and have a less formal gathering for larger numbers on a different day.

Original poster
IWishYouWould · 18/10/2013 09:57

Thank you for the replies. To answer the question regarding 3 Christmas days;
1.with pil

  1. at our house with my immediate family.
  2. nye visit, extended family will want to do one for kids.

But at the moment some things have changed, so we may end up just having a small one at home anyway. We won't know for a couple of weeks, so I'm not going to worry about it for a while.

OP posts:
MikeReepySpooksard · 18/10/2013 10:38

So every year you do alternate 2 days, one with just your parents, and the other one with his parents plus one of your parents, one of your step parents, your brother and his gf? And then just one year MIL wants to host a family xmas without sharing with the in-laws? I think that's a reasonable request tbh and YABU. See her for half the day and your dad, step mum, brother etc for the rest of the day or on a third day.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/10/2013 10:39

I have a complicated family myself with step-parents on both sides and some family in a different country, add in to that DH large family and just one day wouldn't be enough so we often have 3 or even 4 celebration days over the festive period/new year. The kids all love it and it takes a bit of pressure off everyone as less focus on one day and less people at each. But only do what you think you can manage and what works for you and your kids.

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2013 10:43

A NYE visit isn't a 3rd Xmas day though.

I don't think it's too much of your MIL to ask, to be able to take a turn at hosting.

Especially if it means 16 people won't have to eat their dinners on their laps. I would imagine it would be less stressful for you too and you can spend more time with your DC.

CaptainSweatPants · 18/10/2013 10:49

Yes let MIL host this year, yabu

DIYapprentice · 18/10/2013 10:50

Hmm, a bit mean. I think occasional lap Christmases can be fun, but TBH I would much prefer a sit down meal around the table. I think if your MIL has been gently pushing for this, then she has probably had enough of the very informal Christmas meal at yours.

Let her have it at hers, this year!

willyoulistentome · 18/10/2013 11:06

We have three EVERY year.

  1. Christmas Eve, evening with ALL of my extended family. We rotate location.
  2. Christmas Day, usally with my Mum and brother(s). Sometimes also MIL
  3. Boxing Day - with ALL of DH's extended family - again we rotate location.
DontMentionThePrunes · 18/10/2013 11:13

I did two Christmas Days last year and it almost broke me. HTH. (Not smooth sailing in DH's family though.)

DeWe · 18/10/2013 12:54

We used to have three:

  1. paternal grandmother
  2. ours
  3. maternal grandparents and uncles/aunts

We loved it.

I don't mind buffet off laps, at all, in fact I rather like that. But not for Christmas dinner, that might be just me, but I would have to think very hard before accepting a Christmas invite that said that.

Original poster
IWishYouWould · 18/10/2013 13:16

It's great to have the different perspectives. It appears we are bu and need to arrange it around mil this year. I do agree dinner at a table would be better too. Thank you everyone.x

OP posts:
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