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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to convince my husband that Sooner is better than Later?

13 replies

Babcia · 15/10/2013 23:38

Following on from a big chat with DH last weekend we've come to an impasse. He's in the army, so a lot of our decisions were based on when he was going to afghan, and for how long, and he's just had final confirmation of those dates this week. My original plan was (hopefully) get preggo at the end of feb/ beginning of march, get through the 6 months he's away then he comes back to lovely blooming wife, gets to wait on me hand and foot during his post-tour leave, then baby makes three. He has now said that he definitely does not want to be away for any of my potential pregnancy, even though his next job after this is another army job which will see him working away during the week for the next 2 years, or an overseas consulting job, where he could be working 3 months on, 2 months off. This will see us not even starting until this time next year, and I feel like that's too long to wait. My point to him was "you'll be away one way or another"; his point was "what if something goes wrong". I have said if something goes wrong it will go wrong whether he's in the country or not, but this isn't acceptable. Am I being really unreasonable to not want to wait another year to TTC?

OP posts:

MortifiedAdams · 15/10/2013 23:39

Your way seems more sensible - surely he would rather be here when the baby is?!?

Original poster

Babcia · 15/10/2013 23:45

His exact quote: "I don't want to miss any of it". I know what he means, even though I said, "wouldn't you rather avoid me vomming every 5 minutes and being a hormonal mess and generally being a nightmare?" And he said no. I have no idea why he doesn't understand that he will probably have to miss some stuff, and there will have to be a trade off somewhere.

OP posts:

Amy106 · 16/10/2013 04:21

I agree with you. If there is a choice that has to be made, it would be better to have him with you for the last months of pregnancy and the challenging but wonderful first months of parenthood. Do you have friends and/or family you could call on if needed? If you do, remind him of this fact and assure him you would definitely get their help if he was away.

mirai · 16/10/2013 04:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 16/10/2013 07:32

He probably doesn't realise that being pregnant is a very long winded affair, and that the minutiae of pregnancy are incredibly boring to those not experiencing it first hand.
Mostly it goes "yay I'm pregnant">3 (possibly 6 or 9) months of feeling/being sick> 12 week scan (you can video this for him and send on email) > hear baby's hb at midwife (again, record this for him) > feel babies first kicks (baby will still be kicking right up until you give birth) > 20 week scan (see 12 week scan) then its watch and wait while your belly (and arse, tits and ankles) swell to epic proportions.
You will still be pregnant when he gets home, and he will have 3 months to listen to all your pregnancy woes and being you tea and toast in bed when you are too fat and exhausted to do it yourself.
If course that's an ideal world and a perfect pregnancy. What would you do if you had a miscarriage, or a complicated high risk pregnancy?

MortifiedAdams · 16/10/2013 07:43

With my first pg Tbh if I could have sent dh away for the first three/four months, I would have, and just brought him.in for the scan. I felt guilty at how tired I was and would roll.into bed after work and roll out agin the following morning.

With pg2, I needed him.more than ever as (1) we had toddler dd who.needed looking after and I was exhausted and (2) I ended up MCing at 11 weeks and couldnt not have handled it at all if he werent there.

Svrider · 16/10/2013 07:45

Not to scare you but several if my friends have "waited untill the time is right" only to then have problems
At least 2 will never have children
Babies don't always come straight away
We were TTC for 7 years before dd!

If a family is what you BOTH want, you shouldn't wait too long IME

IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep · 16/10/2013 07:54

You should definitely do it sooner if you're both ready. You never know if you'll have any problems conceiving etc, best to get trying now!

Bless him for being sentimental though :)

DontPanicMrMannering · 16/10/2013 07:55

Is he giving you the real reasons? This tour is active duty but the rest sounds like it isnt?

Hate the mention the unmentionable but what if he's thinking (god fordib) something happens to him and you are pg and alone and he never meets his baby? Or if he is on active duty and you miscarry how focused will he be able to be?

Although it's not perfect and depending on your age if his next post is less risky perhaps you should wait?

Scarynuff · 16/10/2013 08:12

That's some very careful planning. I don't think (unless you already know that the two of you conceive very easily) that you can plan the month that you get pregnant. How old are you?

YomAsalYomBasal · 16/10/2013 11:43

A lot depends on your age I think. Also the chances are you may not conceive when you would like to. And babies can also arrive much earlier than their due dates. One of my children was born when I was only 6 months pregnant. So much can happen! I think you both just have to commit to going for it at some point and accept that the timing will never be perfect.

Original poster

Babcia · 16/10/2013 19:20

I'm 28 (I actually had to think about that!), so I basically don't want to start edging towards 30 before we even start trying, but saying that I come from a very fertile family, as does he. I am aware that it's unlikely to be one time with no condom and wahey I'm up the stick, so starting after christmas would at least give us a bit of extra time to, ahem, practice.
Twattyzombiebollocks / DontPanicMrMannering This is my point though- in any scenario I'm on my own, so whether it's now or a year from now he's going to be away, either on a relatively safe operational tour (I had an in depth conversation with his boss who knows not to bullshit me!) or a relatively unsafe private security consultancy contract. If something happens it will happen anyway, to him or to me. I don't have any family nearby and best case scenario I will see him for 36 hours a week if he gets the job he wants next. I would just rather give ourselves the extra time- I think because I'm a little younger than he is he thinks I've got loads of time but I'm becoming acutely aware of how quickly it's passing.

OP posts:

Cityofgold · 16/10/2013 20:12

For my case; I'm serving in the military. My wife was pregnant with our first while I was in Afghan last year; she gave birth to beautiful DD 3 weeks after I arrived back. Loads of time for me with DD during POTL. All an ideal scenario as far as I was concerned. DD was IVF after a long time of TTC.

For your case: You are not ready until both of you are ready - it as unreasonable for you to push your earlier timeline onto him as it would be be for him to push an earlier timeline onto you.
It takes two of you to make the baby, two of you to look after it and two of you decide - together - when the right time it.
Take care with setting a definite time. We tried that... four years ago!

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