To want to save advertising copywriters the time and energy of thinking up new ways to patronise women this festive season.

[Namechangesforthehardstuff]

It’s all so fucking predictable and boring – they all do it without any irony whatsoever. Maybe they've started already and I haven't noticed because it's just so much televisual diahorrea.

So I’m thinking:

Boots Christmas ad.

Message – men are shit and stupid and would only balls Christmas up if you let them do anything

Ad opens with woman in a hospital bed clearly in the final throes of some dreadful wasting disease which has not affected her hair or make-up. She realises she hasn’t got enough mascara/tissues/pro plus to get her family through Christmas day. Using her walking stick as a punt she propels herself down the High Street and into Boots. Job done, Here Come the Girls, she expires. Selfish husband and photogenic children don’t even notice as they are too busy enjoying the mascara/tissues/pro plus.

Iceland Christmas ad.

Message – you’ll probably be too busy getting pissed and shagged on Christmas Eve and waking up with a massive hangover to give a fuck about the dubious quality of the prawn mousse ring you are serving.

Ad opens with suitable yet often slightly inappropriate celebrity who has a family image while also being right sexy. I dunno – Miley Cyrus this year? She has a big party, close up on prawn mousse ring, background shot of sexy man who will be supplying the shagging. Ad finishes with array of party ‘tidbits’ priced at £1 for 25.

Don't forget Argos: mum beaming with joy a she unwraps a kitchen appliance. A kettle, a bin or maybe a steam mop bought by her fuckwit husband in a Christmas jumper.

Yes Nancy - probably an alien mum this year but nonetheless delighted with a toaster...

marks and Spencer:

its acceptable to be in a hareem as long as you look fabulous and it involves buble

Do M&S!

Morrisons won't be doing a Christmas Ad this year because their poor mum took her own life in the new year as she was so utterly miserable with her lot in life and she couldn't face doing everything again while the rest of her family sat on their arses .

Or alternatively, Morrisons mum is shown on a beach in the Carribean, sipping a cocktail, while eating BBQ turkey.

Cut to her family sitting expectedly at an empty table in a room devoided of any Christmas cheer .

Message You can buy lots of lovely Christmas food/presents/drink/decorations at Morrisons, but you have to get off your arse and buy it because, unfortunately, the Christmas fairy is not real.

Lovely, thanks for the . Best way of waking up, brilliant thread!

Yes Nancy - probably an alien mum this year but nonetheless delighted with a toaster...

Will that be the same alien mum who takes out a loan to pay for Xmas at 2000%?

This is the one for cash converters, where faced with a repayment alien mum heads down to CC to pawn the kids presents - message spend as much as you like, we will give you a fraction back in January

Can I sneak in with a non-funny tip? Mute all adverts.

It really lessons the impact and pervasiveness of them.

I did notice that a man was the one saving in the Christmas park catalogue yet the woman gushed about vouchers.