Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

DH supposed to wait for DD to be dropped home but went to the pub instead

22 replies

sandyballs · 15/10/2013 13:33

DH worked all day Saturday, I took DD2 and a friend to the cinema whilst DD1 went shopping with a friend - her mum offered to take them and drop them home later. I don't know the mum, it's a new friend from secondary.

Now I know DD1 is 12, and not a baby. She comes home alone from school whilst we are at work and lets herself in, does her homework, or more likely sits on the laptop for hours, makes herself something to eat. I'm quite happy with this. But DD2 is usually with her, same age.

However, DH knew that DD would be dropped home by this new mum sometime after 7 but instead of coming straight home from work he said he bumped into a friend and decided to go for a couple of pints instead.

So DD1 was dropped home in the dark to an empty house. I get a text from her asking me to hurry up as it's dark and she's worried. That's when I found out DH was in the pub.

He thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and treating DD1 like a baby. He says if work had over run then she would have come home to an empty house. I get that, I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with him putting the pub before his DD. Plus with a new friend and mum doing us a favour dropping DD home, I think it's polite to have actually been there to meet her if at all possible.

He could spend the whole evening in the pub if he wanted when I got home, I wouldn't mind that, but why did he have to go at that particular time.

Views please MN as he is still pissing me off and I'm not one to harbour a grudge usually .

OP posts:

moondog · 15/10/2013 13:34

I think this is incredibly selfish and stupid and I would also be very angry.

Rosencrantz · 15/10/2013 13:37

She's 12! She's fine!

What would an only child 12 year old do? Not come home from school without a parent, because they didn't have a age sister?

I think 12 is a good age to start becoming more independent, and stay home alone.

What would you do if the adults needed to go to the supermarket at 8pm? Force the 12 year old to go with instead of stay home in the dark?

BrianTheMole · 15/10/2013 13:40

Well if the 12 year old is worried about being left at home when its dark, and dh said he would be there to meet her, then he is being selfish.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2013 13:44

Rosen there is a big difference between being left in a house with the lights on and everything homely and normal, to arriving home after a day out with new friends to an empty house in the dark when you weren't expecting to. A big difference.

OP - I would be bloody furious, really bloody furious.

MrsCakesPremonition · 15/10/2013 13:48

Being home alone when you have planned for it, know what to expect and know roughly when your parents will be home, is fine.
Unexpectedly getting home to find no sign of your family and no indication when they will be home, is not fine.

Your DH was thoughtless and he needs to apologise to your DD. I hope that she is proud of coping and not upset by the experience.

NoComet · 15/10/2013 14:02

What cakes say's DD2 will come home to an empty house late in an evening once a month, now she's in Y8.

She has agreed to spending 30 min-45min on her own in the dark rather than being dropped in the corner of a very dull adult meeting and waiting for me to finish.

This her choice, quite different to expecting to come home and find Dad and/or big sister.

titchy · 15/10/2013 14:04

I wouldn't be bothered about her coming home to an empty house. But it was bloody rude and stupid of him to not tell anyone he wasn't going to be there when you and her thought he would be. She might have lost her key for example, or thought he'd been in an accident. For that reason YANBU.

Topseyt · 15/10/2013 14:12

If he had said he would wait in for her and then didn't because a better offer came up then he is being selfish.

That said though, all of mine at 12 years old began getting used to coming home and occasionally finding the house empty, letting themselves in etc. Occasionally it might be dark. They have always been fine and it doesn't bother me. They have their mobiles and can text/call me if there is a problem. They know the rules about not answering the door or inviting anyone else at all in, keeping the doors locked behind them etc.

So for me it is not really an issue providing they know how to get hold of one or both of you.

coppertop · 15/10/2013 14:16

"He thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and treating DD1 like a baby."

Ah, the classic tactic of attempting to avoid taking responsibility by making it all someone else's fault.

You thought your dd would be worried about being home alone without warning. She was worried. Your dh should apologise for being so selfish thoughtless.

LondonNightmareInGhostlyBoots · 15/10/2013 17:23

I think the issue here isn't that dd1 was left in the house alone, that's fine, she's 12 and its not like it was for a week. the issue here I think is that h went to the pub when he was supposed to be waiting in for his yound dd. for that I would be livid.

but then I'm the child of an alcoholic so possibly less lenient on that than I would be. if he went to the shops, annoyed and would have a little go, but not livid. but that is useful and going to the pub is a selfish arse move.

LIZS · 15/10/2013 17:28

dd is same age and I know she'd be anxious if things weren't as expected when she got home and especially in the dark. Your dh was selfish.

CreatureRetorts · 15/10/2013 17:31

but then I'm the child of an alcoholic so possibly less lenient on that than I would be

^ this I agree with. I'm the same. Your DH is selfish. He said he'd be home, he wasn't.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/10/2013 17:48

He should have been home - i would have been pissed off, if he did not go straight home once the text was received then i would be apopleptic (if i could spell it!)

fluffyraggies · 15/10/2013 18:24

12 is 12. Some kids are still quite 'young' at 12, others are more mature.

The fact that this 12 yo child is good at coping and is fine home alone under normal circs. shouldn't be abused. By abused i mean her dad buggering off down the pub without bothering to let her know.

sashh · 15/10/2013 18:30

Dear Daddy,

I was so worried about you. I thought you had been in an accident because you were not home when I expected.

I also worried what would happen if I had an accident at home on my own. Normally I know when you and mummy are going to be back.

I'm really glad you are OK, but can you tell me why alcohol is more important than I am?

Love dd

And this has nothing to do with age, if she was 25 and expected dad to be home and he wasn't and she didn't know where he was she would be the same.

manicinsomniac · 15/10/2013 18:53

YANBU, I would have been terrified at that age and I'd still be sick with worry now. Not because I wouldn't want to be on my own but because if my Dad wasn't where he'd said he'd be I would assume that something bad must have happened to him.

PeppiNephrine · 15/10/2013 18:56

I don' think she would at 25, actually. Thats rather silly.

mrsjay · 15/10/2013 19:02

I think it is fine for her to come in at 7pm what is not fine is your asked her dad to stay home and he didnt that would really piss me off yanbu

mrsjay · 15/10/2013 19:03

well you didnt askedyou expected it is the same thing he fecked off to the pub with no thought for anybody

mrsjay · 15/10/2013 19:05

The fact that this 12 yo child is good at coping and is fine home alone under normal circs. shouldn't be abused. By abused i mean her dad buggering off down the pub without bothering to let her know

that children whatever age like their routine and if it is disrupted the panic a bit even if they are usually ok with being in usually

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/10/2013 19:39

It's not like she was told she would be coming home to an empty house in the evening, that must have been very worrying for her. Your DH was very thoughtless.

HicDraconis · 15/10/2013 19:42

In this country you'd be having a visit from CYFS (child, youth & family services). Your DH is an idiot - could he not have arranged to meet friend in pub after you'd got back, or invited friend to his house for a chat?

There is no way I or DH would have the boys coming home to an empty house at 12 (apart from it being illegal in NZ).

And I really hope he didn't drink and then drive home.

Flip