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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do you make of this text from ds' friend's mom

44 replies

buaitisi · 15/10/2013 11:53

Hi, nothing too heavy, just interested in another perspective. My son is 5 and is good friends with two other little boys at school.

They are at a phase where bums, butts, boobs etc are hilarious to them and are always saying things like 'hi bumhead, bye booby brain' etc to each other.

I don't take much notice, it's never said maliciously they just think those words are funny. They're very good boys, never mean, good manners and stuff apart from the usual 5 year old stuff.

Anyway got a msg today from one of the other moms, it basically said 'today dsf said bye bum-head to one of my friends, I wasn't there she just told me, can you please tell him off if he ever says something like that again. I think they have stepped over the line now'

She is a little more strict than I am with some things. Ds is usually well behaved and I'm strict with manners but fairly laid back with everything else.

There have been a few pursed lips and snarky comments when ds does some things eg he's allowed to sometimes play games on iPad or he knows the lyrics to Michael Jackson's 'Bad'. We got a 'oh it's ds whose teaching him those kind of songs'

Anyway, as I said, this is nothing serious and I'm prob being paranoid but do you think she's getting a dig at me?

OP posts:

mistyshouse · 15/10/2013 12:12

no sorry its not acceptable IMO

both my dcs (4 and 7) are going through a phase of using silly words like this, and it is so irritating and embarassing. they find it utterly hilarious of course

and i make sure i pull them up on it every single time and praying they will just bloody grow out of it soon

Calloh · 15/10/2013 12:13

Reading what you've said. I think your friend is being a bit silly really and probably quite annoying and sanctimonious

However, maybe she genuinely doesn't mean to criticise your parenting but is trying to get you on side as she starts an epic battle against bum head.

YouTheCat · 15/10/2013 12:13

Was it the other mother's child who said this? If so then it's up to her to tell her son, not you.

AmberLeaf · 15/10/2013 12:14

Sounds like she is blaming your son for what her son is saying which is tbh ridiculous.

Original poster

buaitisi · 15/10/2013 12:15

It was her son who said it and she was saying if he does it in front of you, put a stop to it

OP posts:

Original poster

buaitisi · 15/10/2013 12:16

I've text her 'ok, I'll have a word to ds too'

OP posts:

TheSmallPumpkin · 15/10/2013 12:19

I read her text as saying if her son says it in front of you please tell him off. She is obviously trying to get you to stop your son too as they are encouraging each other. She may think your son is to blame- who knows? Often parents never believe it could be their own child's fault, but I wouldn't take it as a direct criticism of your parenting.

Bowlersarm · 15/10/2013 12:19

Oh I thought she was telling you to tell your son off.

I don't think she was having a dig at you then. I think she just wants them all especially her DS to stop calling each other by these 'rude' names.

bellablot · 15/10/2013 12:19

I think you ought to be careful about letting your DS away with these sorts of comments. I was letting my DD away with it for a while as I thought it was harmless like you but it got way out of hand and she started to substitute other words for 'poo head' and the likes as well as calling her DSis these names. I had to put my foot down and now I've got a reward chart for this alone.

Just be careful how far you let your DS go.

Original poster

buaitisi · 15/10/2013 12:22

Ah look, to be honest. I read the text and got a bit flustered, based on other stuff I sometimes get the impression she thinks her son is amazing and anything he does wrong is because of other's influences.

But you're all right, being funny is fine but if there's any chance it offends someone or is rude we have to have a talk about it.

They're lovely boys we'll just nip this in the bud now. Thanks for your replies

OP posts:

flipchart · 15/10/2013 12:23

My boys said same sort of stuff as this when they were that age.

It's just a phase that they are going through and the novelty will soon wear off. Of course they are just pushing their boundaries a little.
TBH I have a DS friends mum who is like this but she goes on and on all the time.
I'm just 'whatever' with her because I get earache if I engage!

Original poster

buaitisi · 15/10/2013 12:24

Obvs everyone thinks their kids are amazing and so should they, didn't mean that to be a negative

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 15/10/2013 12:24

Oh I hated the toilet humour stage, hated it. I made sure both ds's knew that calling their friends such names was silly, babyish and often very hurtful, and that if I heard them they'd be severely told off, and if they persisted there'd be a consequence. And if they ever said it to an adult they would go straight to consequences, no warnings. We only had to discuss it a couple of times and neither of them do it within my hearing anymore. What happens in the playground at school I can't control and wouldn't attempt to, but whilst they're with me or in public, it's my standards, and that means no toilet humour.

On the situation in question, yes I do think she's having a subtle dig at your parenting, but she also seems to trust you enough to allow you to tell her son off - I too have explicitly given my friends permission to tell my ds's off and to discipline as they feel appropriate if they have care of them for any length of time, or if I'm not there for whatever reason. In all honesty I'd have a discussion with your son and ask him to stop doing it - along the lines of 'it's not necessary and it's starting to change how people think about him. If he wants to keep his friends, and their trust, he needs to think a bit more carefully about what he calls people'.

LUKYMUM · 15/10/2013 12:32

OP I've found it really hard to nip in the bud. For over a year I've explained why it s wrong but him and his friends find it hilarious. It's a tough one. He knows not to say it to adults.

FishfingersAreOK · 15/10/2013 12:32

I think that is a good response - both the wording of your text and the fact you are going to nip it in the bud. Some things are worth being "consistent" on rather than thinking of it as strict

LUKYMUM · 15/10/2013 12:32

Ps doesn't sound like she was having a dig.

DeWe · 15/10/2013 12:42

It doesn't sound like she's having a dig. More along the lines of "lets all join together to nip it in the bud before their either go to far and upset someone or get into trouble". If you're telling your dc off for something and all their friends still do it it's difficult for you and you dc.

I have experienced this from both sides. Dd1's best friend and her, at this age, used to say "oh pants" to each other. It didn't bother me that much, but the other mother really disliked it, and she asked if I could discourage dd1 from saying it. I hadn't really realised she was discouraging her dd from saying it, but once we both were reminding them not to say it, they stopped pretty quickly. No heavy handedness, just "please don't"or "think of another term".

On the other side, I hate the term "OMG" (either in full or abbreviated) Dd2-9yo(who is desperate to fit in) started saying it a lot, she hears it among her friends.
I took her aside one time and said to her that I don't like it (and why). I wouldn't ask her friends not to use it, or speak to their parents because I am aware it is my dislike. Dd2 does her best not to say it in front of me anyway, which is good.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2013 12:48

He crossed the line when he said it to another adult. Can't you see how disrespectful that was?

flipchart · 15/10/2013 13:08

Ah! I missed the bit where it was to an adult!
That would be a telling off offence here.

Like I said it is a phase they are going through even though it is annoying. My boys were pulled on it - usually 'Oi! What did you say?' and I would get an apology but like I said it soon passed.

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