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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you invite both once in a while?

47 replies

Kumiho · 15/10/2013 10:22

Mr Kumi has a friend of about 12 years (I mean they've known each other 12 years, not that he's 12.) Friend has a big house and likes to have people over for dinner (I am envious, because I live in a tiny tiny house with a sofa for three and a table for four, and a family of four, so dinner parties aren't really an option for us until we move. Put 5 adults in our living room and people start to feel a lack of oxygen.)

So yeah, dinner parties, couples, barbecues where all the friends and the kids go play in their big garden. Which is nice. Normal.

Thing is, he always invites Mr Kumi. And Mr Kumi goes and has a nice time, sitting at Friend's table, with Friend's wife, and Friend's kids (same age and gender as ours) or, indeed, other kids, when it's a big invite-all-we-know barbecue.

I am never invited and never go. I've only met Friend once, in passing, about ten years ago. So he exists. They work together now. It's all very pleasant, for Mr Kumi. The kids have never met either, though I often muse about how nice it would be, children having a playdate. Isn't it nice you have a friend with same-age-same-gender kids, hint hint? Nothing.

But part of me wants to have that nice grown-up life where you go to another couple's for dinner, and then reciprocate (even if we get a bit dizzy in the tiny room), and hey, your kids play together too. A bit like I read on MN.

But then I think, no, I'm being a bitch, if I'm not invited I'm not invited and I should just suck it up and get on with the housework. Or put a bag on my head, I don't know.

He goes out for drinks and socialises, so it's not like he's kept in a kennel at home and this is his one chance to see the sunshine. I appreciate he clearly wants his own social life.

But just once would be nice. Even if just for the kid's sake. We don't know anybody else with kids and haven't been able to arrange playdates with school-parents yet.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 15/10/2013 10:25

It sounds a bit odd to me, are you sure you are not being invited, or is Mr. Kumi ensuring you're not invited?

Pascha · 15/10/2013 10:25
  1. Stop hinting to Mr Kumi and tell him how you feel.
  1. Buy some oxygen masks and invite Friend and family over for an informal get together this weekend. It will be ok.
TheGhostsAndGhoulsOfHitchhikin · 15/10/2013 10:29

What Pascha said. Stop beating around the b ush with hints to Mr Kumi and tell him how you feel :)

Original poster
Kumiho · 15/10/2013 10:30

Oh, I've told Mr Kumi a few times. He just shrugs and says "Friend never mentioned it." I'm a bit out of the loop, but I'm pretty sure there doesn't need to be names on an invitation, right?

I think Mr Kumi's just too bloody dense. He hears "Why not come for dinner?" and just goes "OK" and off he goes.

Maybe I should invite Friend and Mrs Friend. And then be all like "Yeah, heard so much about you. Over the last 11 years."

Oh, I didn't mention that. We've been together 11 years. They know he's married and has kids. They probably think we live in the attic.

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 15/10/2013 10:32

Are you sure it's not mr kumi declining the invite on your behalf?

ICameOnTheJitney · 15/10/2013 10:32

I'#d be very pissed off in your situation. TELL him you are coming with him next time. Tell him what to say...OR invite his friend AND wife and kids over....then they will say "Oh you must come to ours next"

We have a house like yours and do dinners. It's not hard...just a bit of a squeeze.

TTTatty · 15/10/2013 10:34

So he just off outs to dinner and leaves you with dc?
I would be very unhappy about that - one thing going out with a mate but going to spend time with another persons family and leaving his own not okay.
I don't think he is being dense I think he is being mean and hurtful.

Original poster
Kumiho · 15/10/2013 10:36

"So he just off outs to dinner and leaves you with dc?"

Yep. Sitting at someone else's table, with their family and kids, like some single random. Personally I'd find that awkward.

He says it's normal.

OP posts:
UsedToBeNDP · 15/10/2013 10:37

That's weird that they have him over for a family dinner but exclude you. We have people over often and wouldn't deliberately have one half of a couple or part of a family over, different if it's a 'boys night' or whatever but for a 'dinner party' situation, it would be very odd.

I agree with Pascha, feel the fear and do it anyway. Invite them over for a takeaway for a less formal feel, or if you feel less comfortable with that as a first meeting, invite them out on neutral territory for a pub lunch or something similar.

ShatnersBassoon · 15/10/2013 10:38

Perhaps Mr Kuni is very conscious of the limitations there are on inviting a family to your house, so doesn't want to find himself in a 'You must come to us next time' situation then completely fail to accommodate them.

Mr Kuni's pal must wonder why he's never been invited to your house, actually. Even if it was just him invited, I think it would be nice to reciprocate.

UsedToBeNDP · 15/10/2013 10:38

I'm not because I hate dinner parties, more that I hate the naffo term.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2013 10:38

I honestly think you need to find other friends and not sit around and wait for Mr Kumis friend to suddenly invite wife (you) and children over.

If he has never been invited to you, then I dont see why you have a reason to complain. Your husband has eaten at his table on many occasions, but not ONCE has Mr Kumis friend been invited to yours to eat at your table?

Find other friends, do playdates. Dont put all your friendship hopes in one basket.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/10/2013 10:39

Sorry op but this doesn't sound right. How does your DH feel ok leaving his wife and kids at home and join another family. It's not like he is going out with a group of his friends and socializing, he is joining in with the whole family. Have you actually met his wife or seen the kids?

RevelsRoulette · 15/10/2013 10:39

That's really really weird.

I think you should invite them to your house, (you. personally. directly.) so what if it's a squeeze? People come for the company. Or arrange to go out for a meal.

But whatever you do, it's time you meet them.

If your husband attempts to prevent this from happening, then you will know that it is more than him 'not thinking', it is that he does not want you to meet. For whatever reason, we can all only guess.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2013 10:40

"But just once would be nice. Even if just for the kid's sake. We don't know anybody else with kids and haven't been able to arrange playdates with school-parents yet."

Just one question: Why is it Mr Kumis friends responsibility to think about playdates for your kids, when not even you are doing it?

motherinferior · 15/10/2013 10:41

Circumvent the bugger. Ring up Friend and say "Hey, it's Kumi here, how about coming to dinner on Friday the X, or if that's not a goer Friday the Y," and then inform him.

I feel your pain, because I live with someone who would, if left to his own devices, be a total anti-social bugger and nobody would set foot in the Inferiority Complex ever.

Also I would ring up a few female mates and invite them round for cava and crisps, which is a pleasant way to spend a Saturday evening. He can go out if he likes.

fluffyraggies · 15/10/2013 10:42

I'd suggest a lunch out at a nice family pub for you all.

Say you'd like to get to know Mrs Friend. Once you DO know Mrs Friend you can decide if you want to be part of the whole dinner party thing with them.

Original poster
Kumiho · 15/10/2013 10:44

"Why is it Mr Kumis friends responsibility to think about playdates for your kids, when not even you are doing it?"

Oh, not at all. I appreciate people don't want to do kid things. Mr Kumi could arrange it with his friend if he felt it appropriate (I do not know the friend's surname or phone number) but he hasn't. Which is fine, his choice. Or not fine. I don't know what's 'normal'. If it were my friend I'd suggest it, that'd strike me as a 'normal' thing to do.

I have made playdates with work colleagues and acquaintances in the past, which went well, but they have moved away now. I have chatted to parents at the school gates but the topic never really gets there.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 15/10/2013 10:45

Have you ever suggested that just DHs friend comes round for dinner with you, him and your kids?

If you get any odd looks then you can say -
''why an odd idea DH? ... that's what you've been doing with Friend all these years dear'' ....

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2013 10:46

How old are your children?

Original poster
Kumiho · 15/10/2013 10:46

"I'd suggest a lunch out at a nice family pub for you all."

That's a good idea, fluffy, thanks. Silly to say it didn't really occur to me, Mr keeps it all so private and secretive I feel like it's none of my business to get involved, but they work together now and are talking of starting a business. If he won't make an effort to have us all meet, he can't complain when I do. It can't be unreasonable not to want to go into business with strangers.

OP posts:
UsedToBeNDP · 15/10/2013 10:46

FWIW, my best mate lives in a much smaller house than I do (not boasting, she lives with her H, I have an H and 3 children!). Has a table that can't accom all of us (even if it is just me, H and our youngest) and a living room which means one or more of us are relegated to the floor when we visit (in practice her H & my DD park on the floor out of choice anyway), does it stop us visiting and eating and enjoying ourselves ? No!

We take a dining chair or 2 and squidge up, we sit on the floor/arm of the sofa, whatever. We have just as good a time squashed around her 4 seat table as we do around my 8-10 seater. It's the people that make the party Smile.

Obviously you're not quite at the stage I am with my bm but the comments above are more to say that it is possible to 'entertain' enjoyably in a small space.

Original poster
Kumiho · 15/10/2013 10:46

6 and 8, Quin.

OP posts:
UsedToBeNDP · 15/10/2013 10:47

points further up the thread.

I suggested the neutral pub lunch too.

Original poster
Kumiho · 15/10/2013 10:48

Thanks Used :)

OP posts: