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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband sending photo to PIL

80 replies

DannyArgo · 14/10/2013 01:11

I've lurked for ages on this site but never actually posted, however I now really need to know if iabu as I am so pissed off I cannot decide whether my husband really is an insensitive dick or if I am being totally over sensitive.

We are going to a family wedding later in the month, I was really worried about finding something to wear but was quite excited to find something the other day really quickly. My sister lives in a different part of the country and is also attending the wedding, she asked me to send a picture of me in the dress, so I duly get my husband to take various shots of me in said dress on the ipad. When I see the pictures I hate them. I am very critical of myself anyway and hate photos of myself so I should have known I wouldn't like them, but in the changing room I thought I looked ok in it. I said that I hated the photos, that I thought I looked huge round the middle and went on about how depressing I found it looking at the photo especially as I liked the dress when I tried it on. Anyway I told my sister I wouldn't be sending the photos as I hated the way I looked, she said she was sure I looked great, blah, blah, blah. So to clarify my husband was well aware of how I felt about the photo. I realise at this point that I should have deleted them but I didn't.

Fast forward to tonight and I happen to be going through my mail outbox and what do I find but an e-mail to his parents of ME IN THE DRESS! He wan sitting next to me at the time, when I asked why he had done it he didn't even have the grace to admit he'd done it. When he ( sort) of admitted he had and I told him how upset I was about it (added to the fact I do not get on with his Mum and Dad) he did not even apologise, he just tried to make out that I was making a huge fuss.

Now I know people will probably flame me and tell me to get a grip, that there are real problems in the world, but I am so upset by it, I just can't believe he could be so insensitive. Actually I can believe it and that is probably the problem. Is it just me or would you have been upset too? To know how strongly I felt about it, to know I don't get on with his parents and to then forward it to them! I suppose it just makes me question my relationship with him if he thinks it is ok to do this and doesn't even see the need to apologise ! Bearing in mind we've been together 21 years, aibu to have expected more or have I blown this up into something ridiculous?

OP posts:

projectbabyweight · 15/10/2013 21:19

maddening · 15/10/2013 21:47

take a photo of his arse and send it to his parents from his email.

Original poster

DannyArgo · 15/10/2013 22:36

Just thought I would update. Or actually not really update as DH has been working nights since it happened I literally have not had a chance to talk to him about it, I don't want it just to look like I'm dredging it up again and want to talk to him properly and see if he realises just why I was so upset by it. In response to some of the most recent comments, I can't prove that I'm not hard work, but really I'm not! I'm pretty laid back about things in general and not given to histronics so apologies if that's how the post came over. I was however really upset (and I don't mean upset crying I mean upset disappointed) when I realised what he'd done. There is probably is more than one issue here but taking the 'photo' issue on it's own I just couldn't understand why anyone would do that when the person concerned had specifically stated how they hated the photo. I wouldn't dream of doing it to anyone, I wouldn't be so thoughtless and my husband had just done it to me. Thumbwitch hit the nail on the head " It's about her H failing to acknowledge, recognise or respect her feelings".

PeppiNephrine, If my last paragraph read like I was going to flounce out of my marriage because of a forwarded photo, I apologise. You couldn't be more wrong, I take my marriage and commitment to my children very seriously. I am not deeply unhappy and my DH is a good person but as I mentioned there have been incidents of him being quite selfish and insensitive in our relationship (I'm not perfect by any stretch and have many faults but selfishness isn't one of them) and how I sometimes feel very unsupported by him. We have discussed it previously I have told him how it makes me feel and how it wears me down and how I wasn't sure if I could carry on in a relationship like that. He was very shocked, made a real effort and things have been better. If he had not accepted that his behaviour had been making me feel that way I would have had to seriously consider what to do, I would not have just 'walked' out of a 20 year relationship which involved three young children.

Bathtimesoaker, I'm afraid you've got me all wrong. Firstly I immediately saw the photos when he took them, said I thought I looked shit, hated them and was disappointed as I thought I looked quite nice in the changing room, that was the end of it. I didn't go on about it but he was in no doubt of my feelings. I didn't think it was a nice thing to therefore send it onto someone. I don't get on with his parents, you can't like everyone you meet in life and there is a back story to our relationship anyway.

I posted on here, for the first time, because ironically I would never discuss this with anyone (apart from possibly two people) in rl. I knew that I would get a true opinion on here as to whether I was bu as I really needed to know. I sometimes find it hard to work out whether our relationship is 'normal' after 20 years. Both of us did not have any long term relationships/live with anyone before so I have nothing to compare it with.

Thanks again for all and apologies for this novel but I wanted to update and clarify as obviously you can't include all information in one post.

Maddening - loving your suggestion btw :)

OP posts:

NamechangeNonsence · 15/10/2013 22:40

For the posters who think op is overreacting.
There is a huge difference between not likeing your picture taken and what the op is feeling.
When you don't like your photo, you look at it, cringe and think "oh god I look awfull"
The way I read the op, its not a case of this.
Its a horrible sinking, sickening feeling that you realise this is how other people see you. You feel embarressed, ashamed and really very vulnerable. Its a terribble feeling. Op dh knows how bad this photo makes her feel. Even if it wasn't done maliciously (which to be fair it probobly wasn't) the decent thing to do id acknowlege the fact that his actions have made her feel this way and apologise for that.

Op you are absolutly not being unreasonable.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2013 22:40

this is your H "making more of an effort" ?

making more of an effort to be a twat, you mean ?

DavesDadsDogDiedDiabolically · 16/10/2013 07:54

Oh Do Fuck Off Scary.

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 08:13

D'ya know what, Dave, I don't think I will

Thumbwitch · 16/10/2013 08:49

Whodafuck is Dave? As in, where'd that post come from, and why?

Bathtimesoaker · 16/10/2013 16:43

Danny, I do understand where you are coming from. I've recently had my wedding photos back and I hate what I look like in them, a double chin has appeared from nowhere, my hair is as flat as a pancake and my beautiful wedding dress made me look wide. I hate that on the day I was supposed to look lovely I look more like a drowned rat, so i do understand where you are coming from. I didn't want to show anyone our official photos but my DH sent them to my DM and PIL. I chose to see it as a compliment because he thinks I look amazing even though I don't and I very much hope it's the same with your DH. I'm sorry if I upset you but you haven't explained a back story so in light of just this situation I did think you were unreasonable. For the wedding, do you have enough time to find something else to wear? I hope you find something that makes you feel lovely and that you can make it up with your dh.

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 17:27

Perhaps Dave is Op's idiotic husband, who knows ?

Seems strange though because that poster doesn't appear to a very angry little poppet on other threads I have seen

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 17:27

To be

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 16/10/2013 17:52

Yanbu I'd be pretty pissed off too (have a complex about I look in photos) and I'd keep badgering him till he told me why he sent it. There might be a sensible explanation for it but I'm confused as to why inlaws would want a picture of you at all let alone one you despise. No offence meant.

My DP once uploaded some photos of minutes/hours old DD to his parents digital photo frame thingy. One of them featured a very unflattering nearly naked me trying (and failing) to BF her. I mean it was horrendous. He said he included it coz it was beautiful (it fucking wasn't! I looked drunk). Point is he didn't do it out of nastiness but thoughtlessness.

eggsandwich · 16/10/2013 19:04

Next time he comes out the shower, take a photo and e-mail his parents see how he feels, stupid twat!

Bathtimesoaker · 16/10/2013 20:16

Egg There's a big difference between sending a photo of a naked person who's just got out of the shower ans a person who has willingly posed for photographs in a new outfit, but simply doesn't like the photo.

ColderThanAWitchsTitty · 16/10/2013 22:07

willingly posed for a photo that was only meant to be seen by one person and then she decided that one person couldn't see it either.

so in other words not a photo that was meant to be seen by others.

eggsandwich · 16/10/2013 22:25

Bath, yes she posed for the photo which she was going to send to her sister not her inlaws, but when she saw them she didn't want them sent to her sister as she wasn't happy with how she looked in the photo's, so my point is why would her dh send them to his parents when he knew how uncomfortable she was with how she looked in them, and quite frankly they were not his pictures to distribute to who ever he felt like.

mynameismskane · 17/10/2013 07:22

Op, some people just love to pounce and attack on these boards, which is why they like to say you are overreacting without looking at, or even thinking about the bigger picture.

Has your dh said WHY he did this? Yanbu in how you feel at all.

valiumredhead · 17/10/2013 08:45

I'm with pottering not sure I really understand the angst tbh.

Hawkmoth · 17/10/2013 08:50

What does he normally send to his parents?

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 17/10/2013 09:13

Yes, he should have respected your wishes and maintained confidentiality because the freedom to show your vulnerable side to your partner and not fear that being exposed is important to build trust but this is definitley something you should just try to put behind you and forget.

It was a posed photo not a coincidental one. You had a nice, new outfit on not your pjs or casual gear. It was just to his parents, not to a newspaper. If every misdemeanor in marriGe was inflated to this degree we'd never get anywhere in life.

Fecklessdizzy · 17/10/2013 09:26

Um ... Sort of on the fence here.

I can totally get where the OP is coming from as I hate myself in photos and feel quite depressed that that's how I look to the world.

But the thing is, DP doesn't get it at all ... He put a photo of me at Tintagel up as a screen saver - I said AAAARGH! He said I looked like Guinevere, I said only if she was short and fat with experimental hair and wearing her son's T-shirt due to a mustard-related incedent earlier in the proceedings . So the poor sod took it off and replaced it with one of the DSs looking adorable in a school play - they said AAARGH! - at which point he gave up and ditched us all in favour of the Horsehead nebula, which has yet to object.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, if you don't have self-image issues it's hard to see what all the fuss is about!

Thumbwitch · 17/10/2013 09:31

I'm guessing the biggest point is WHY send the photo to people who don't get on with the OP ? They're hardly likely to go "oh that's a nice photo, isn't it" - they don't like her. WHY send them a picture of her, especially one that she hates? Can't see any benign intent there, frankly.

madoldbird · 17/10/2013 09:48

I'm guessing there is more thsn meets the eye here, unless he often sends photos of you, him and the DCs to his parents.

If he doesn't commonly email photos to them, then it's been done for a reason. If he's done it to wind you up then there's huge issues in your marriage. However you say you are very critical of your appearance, and that you looked huge round the middle. May I ask what size / weight you are? Do you need / want to lose weight? If so he needs to support you in this and understand why this would make you sensitive about your appearance.

It may also be that your appearance hasn't changed, but your perception of it has. If this is the case, he may be worried about you, and seeking guidance from his parents.

It is not about the photo per se, but there will have been a reason for him doing what he did. Whatever it was, you two need to talk asap.

Fecklessdizzy · 17/10/2013 09:50

Does he know they don't get on?

Seems like a mad question but I don't like my MIL. She's petty, racist, snide and could hold a grudge for the rest of eternity. I've never gone into details with DP as she's his mum and he doesn't need to know, whereas I don't mind telling you lot as you don't know me from Adam and might well all be imaginary anyway ...

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 17/10/2013 11:25

feckless I like your style!

Until we discover why he emailed the photo, this is the Thread of Frustration.

Did he think 'I want to retch looking at his frock, controlled experiment time, let's see if my folks hurl when they look at it too'?

I imagine after 20 years, OP, only you know if he is capable of that level of cruelty.

Perhaps, in the kindest way, you could spend some time and effort on your own self-esteem, image, wardrobe, exercise plan, whatever it takes to get you to a place where you feel proud to see photos of yourself, and if your OH emails them to anyone you automatically know its because he wants everyone to see his gorgeous wife.

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