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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find it really hard to relax when around my five year old?

21 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 12/10/2013 22:11

I feel so sad for writing this as dd is so lovely butI do feel like I just cant relax whilst shes doing the following: making a mess, refusing to put her proper winter uniform on in the morning , demanding things from shops etc, etc. I also find looking after her safety stressful re roads etc. We were doing pottery today and she kept poking my pot around etc.

The other day we had a big row as she wanted to wear her summer school dress on a freezong day as it looked sunny outside. She had a massive tantrum about it and it pushed a big button as I dont want to be judged as a bad mum for allowing her to wear inappropriate clothing.
I love her to pieces but I always ferl on edge if I have to spend a whole day aline with her.
I think there is some resentment deep down as I have sacrificed my career to have her but its noy her fault .. poor thing. Id rather have dd than my old career but I am a single mum snd struggling to get back into teaching after a break. I am exhausted and not sleeping well.
My new bf wants kids one day but sometimes I wonder if im cut out for it. Poor love. I just want to feel relaxed around her.

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Meglet · 12/10/2013 22:16

I can't relax around mine (6 & 5) either. They're just as hyper and 'difficult', and always one step ahead of me. We went to town this morning and I was nearly in tears trying to keep them under control.

So I know how you feel.

Beamur · 12/10/2013 22:20

It sounds like you're not feeling so great. It is hard to be a 'wonder parent' at the best of times, harder still if you're tired and under the weather. It is worth getting a check up with your GP?
These behaviours you mention are typical child button pressing. I find it helps with my DD (age 6, so not so different to yours I bet Grin) - with school clothes - these are laid out the night before & that's what she puts on in the morning. No discussion or debate required (or permitted). Making a mess - what about a rule that all mess cleared up by mealtimes/bedtimes?

Five is old enough to understand and co-operate with a request to put away one toy or activity before getting another out and to help with clearing up.

'Inappropriate' clothing - try and worry less what other people think, where I live you would be admired for having a child who is a allowed to express themselves! If you think she'll be cold, maybe compromise with tights/cardi or just let her wear it - she'll soon learn your advice is well meant. (Take a warmer outfit with you to change into...)
Good luck with the job hunt too.

Meglet · 12/10/2013 22:22

It might just be a stressed single parent thing, too much to deal with puts us on edge all the time.

yonisareforever · 12/10/2013 22:25

Super I know what you mean, mine is always always moving, I look away for a second and something will have happened.

She just cannot sit for a minuet ( well she can if engrossed in a film).

Mine has also recently started to madly assert what she wants to wear...just pick your battles.

I used to battle with her over clothing I find its much better to let them do what they want in circs as you describe then when they get cold they will regret it! Also NOT pushing has opposite effect sometimes, saying cheerily " Oh a summers dress today? What a good idea! Ok then...."

re demanding things I told mine that Father Christmas doesnt like greedy little girls, and she knows there are poor people in the world and I say that he likes children who appreciate they have the basics when some dont even have that, and if he hears a little girl with lots of things demanding....he wont like it and it might jepordise her xmas....

as for making a mess, can you get her to make less mess and tidy up after? or give her a space to do it.

money rewarding has been severly attacked on here but i do find - saying i will give her a pound for things or a magazine does help to positivly motivate her, then after a while she does it automatically anyway wihtout the money, although she does have a piggy bank.

so you could curtail demands in shops by saying....be good girl, tidy up and i will give you money which you can then buy things with...

anyway sorry for ramble been a long day.

deep breath!

sweetiepie1979 · 12/10/2013 22:25

No I know how you feel too it's just hard especially the little battles like uniforms and shoes etc. It must be particularly difficult for you on your own. Dint make it worse by giving yourself a hard time. Look after yourself and treat yourself when you can.

superstarheartbreaker · 12/10/2013 22:26

The button pressing is constant and I just cant deal with it. The winging is awful. I just end up in a rage or having to be very firm. We do have fun, relaxed tines together but the diva in her id very strong atm. She is a very beautiful, strong and willful little girl. It will serve her well in life but it wears me put!
Im not really into self expression when it comes to uniform. I just want her to put on regulation uniform quickly so we can get out the house quickly. At any other time im all for dressing up.

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ReluctantCamper · 12/10/2013 22:27

I got a great book out from the library (luckily it was near the door so I could grab it before my son removed all the books from the shelves).

www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X

not convinced my son's behaviour is any better from me reading it, but I'm more relaxed.....

very hard to be calm when you're knackered, I hope you find a way to catch up on sleep.

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 22:28

Could you have an 'exposure therapy' day when you're planning on cleaning up the next day and you make a bit of a mess with your DD?

You could plan something that doesn't make too much mess or make you feel too uncomfortable, but see if it's possible to enjoy doing what she wants to do.

You sound as though you've got a lot on, and it's OK to mourn the life you lost when you chose to have her, but the time when you can have it back will go in the blink of an eye. You've 'only' got another 5/6 years before she'll be doing stuff on her own a lot of the time.

I know exactly what you mean though, but again, it's OK to feel negative things about your DC, it doesn't mean you love them any less or you're not cut out for it! If that were the case there'd only be a couple of parents who are any good at it, and that's definitely not true.

Sometimes I can't believe I've got to go through the same old shit routine with DD2 who's 9 years younger than DD1, it's like going back to a house you've lived in before, awful. But I love the bones of her and know the effort's worth it to have her with us.

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 22:30

And the constant chatter now they're both at it Shock

I'm not really a talker - it's torture!

CeliaFate · 12/10/2013 22:31

I know what you mean. Mine are 13 and 10 and the constant compromise, negotiation, discussion and firm boundaries can be exhausting.
I am a teacher too and I wonder if it's because I have to drill down on behaviour and routine in the classroom that I can be unyielding with my own dc?

Lazysuzanne · 12/10/2013 22:41

when my kids were little I felt anxious pretty much the whole time i was in their company, it's the relentless frenetic-ness of them exhausting!

alarkthatcouldpray · 12/10/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superstarheartbreaker · 12/10/2013 22:59

My catchphrase has been 'I don't do winging! ' dosnt help tho!

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Lazysuzanne · 12/10/2013 23:03

It was the bickering that especially got to me, but overall it's the fact that they are just always 'In your face'

yes I know thats a horrid awful phrase to use about your own children, I do love them, I did my best they are now in their 20's and seem fine, but still 'constantly in your face' was what it felt like at the time.

superstarheartbreaker · 12/10/2013 23:18

To make matters worse her dad phoned today to see how we both are. He has never met her ( long story) I was quite short with him ..hevwas a twat when I was pregnant. (Long story again).

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superstarheartbreaker · 12/10/2013 23:19

To make matters worse her dad phoned today to see how we both are. He has never met her ( long story) I was quite short with him ..hevwas a twat when I was pregnant. (Long story again).

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superstarheartbreaker · 13/10/2013 10:51

Hi all. Yes I think that's why I feel so bad. I do love her but I hate feeling constantly on edge whilst shes clattering around the house. I do love going out with her bit id also like to feel comfortable in my own home!

My new man only sees his son fortnightly and keeos going on about how he'd like to have lots more. How do I break it to him that for me its one max!? I also feel like so many men long for tons of kids as they get to go back to work after 2 weeks and dont have to make the same sacrifices.

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Lazysuzanne · 13/10/2013 12:00

It seems only fair to tell him how you feel about the idea of more.
Then again I've known men who felt they'd be able to persuade a partner, or some daft shiite about 'if she loves me she'll have my baby' Hmm

dadinthehat · 13/10/2013 12:04

I was going to suggest Calmer Easier Happier Parenting. It's worked well for us and our 3 kids.

Re the summer dress - let her learn some natural consequences. My DS1 insisted he didn't need a coat last week and then he got soaked. Now he checks the forecast and dresses accordingly. Job done with no stress for me. Calmer, easier and happier.

VillandraMcTavish · 13/10/2013 12:05

I know just how you feel. I can never finish a thought that my brain has started.

I found it useful to learn about introvert brains (you can be a sociable and chatty introvert, it's to do with how your brain gets stimulation and what overloads it). As a single parent it will be harder to get time to sit in tidy peace and quiet to recharge, but perhaps if this did describe you, then you could consciously decide to say make more playdates for dd, or enrol her in more activities where you can not be involved?

(Incidentally I find having another child over to play for a while really helps me relax, so long as all hell isn't breaking loose.)

HRHLadyG · 13/10/2013 12:05

You are doing a great job!!
Parenting isn't just about cuddling and playing, its about preparing your little person for the big world. You are trying to guide and set boundaries, she wants and needs to test where those boundaries are. This is how children learn what's safe or not and how to behave and interact. Raising a child well......is not easy, or relaxing, have some confidence in your ability. Overall, remain calm and consistent x

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