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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have expected to come home to a clean, tidy house?

24 replies

strruglingoldteach · 12/10/2013 20:25

The short version is that I took the DDs out today (for around 6 hours) and DH stayed at home so that he could get on with the housework- entirely his choice. AIBU to be pretty pissed off that when I returned at 5, the house was pretty much as I left it? (Although to be fair I should point out that he cooked dinner).

So as not to drip feed, I'll add that things have been tough recently. I'm having a really shit time at work. In theory I work pt while he is ft, but I'm currently having to do more hours than him and am often finishing work off at 11pm, which means I've had very little time to keep on top of the housework.

DH is also feeling unhappy because of recent problems with intimacy (to be quite honest it's the last thing on my mind) and he sees this as me not caring about him. But I feel that if he cared at all about me he'd have at least made some kind of effort today, so that I could have come home and had an evening to relax, rather than having to get on with bloody cleaning.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 12/10/2013 20:32

No. But don't clean. Get the DC to bed, bugger the cleaning and sit down and talk to your DH. It's so easy when you are under pressure for the communication to go to pot. Talk about the big picture, how you are going to find time for your relationship as well as everything else and the difference in how you prioritise things. Don't let it spiral into a tit for tat, who does most argument.

bordellosboheme · 12/10/2013 20:32

Yanbu but at least he made dinner Grin relax tonight, have a good sleep and the start afresh in the morning :)

RevelsRoulette · 12/10/2013 20:34

No.

So when he said you go out, I want to get on with the cleaning, he meant you go out and take the kids out of my way so I can enjoy a nice day doing sweet FA?

Funny how some men just can't seem to understand that utterly taking the piss does not make their partner filled with desire for them...

expatinscotland · 12/10/2013 20:37

YANBU, but plenty will come on and tell you just to live in the messy house, ickle men just don't understand . . .

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2013 20:38

Can you not do the cleaning?

expatinscotland · 12/10/2013 20:41

She took the kids out because he volunteered to do it, Ribena. Can he not do the cleaning? He is working fewer hours.

Original poster
strruglingoldteach · 12/10/2013 20:42

Thanks all. He's usually great and it's not a huge deal but I was really disappointed when I got home.

Funkyboldribena I'm not sure what your point is- yes, I can do the cleaning when I have timr, but today DH offered to do it.

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 12/10/2013 20:45

YANBU at all. It's nice he cooked dinner, but if he said he was going to do the cleaning, then that's what he should have done, not spend six hours faffing around the house not doing anything.

But, forget about it for tonight. Enjoy dinner, have a glass of wine and relax with your DH. You do need to address the problems (your long hours, his unhappiness and him not doing what he promised), but tonight's not that night. Talk about it with him tomorrow when you've calmed down and a had some sleep.

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2013 20:46

My point is to NOT do the cleaning tonight, as per your OP...leave it for him to do when he feels he has more time, like tomorrow.

PumpkinGuts · 12/10/2013 20:49

Yanbu op.

Ribena Hmm Shea had kids all day, he's had mini break.

She should obviously now do the cleaning

Original poster
strruglingoldteach · 12/10/2013 20:51

Ah, I see now, ribena- I misread your post. Yes, you're all right. No cleaning tonight, glass of wine and work on all the issues later. I just keep hoping that there's a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere...

OP posts:
KeatsiePie · 12/10/2013 20:54

Have you explained to him that it is immensely attractive to have a husband who takes charge of what must be done in a manly competent fashion? And really not at all attractive to have a husband who sits around complaining which requires you to jolly him along or compensate for his bad mood and idleness as if you were his mother?

Because it really, really worked around my house.

jasminerose · 12/10/2013 20:55

What were his reasons for not doing it?

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2013 20:56

Pumpkinguts

I know, hence saying to 'not' do the cleaning...just make sure he has all the necessary equipment to do it tomorrow.

Original poster
strruglingoldteach · 12/10/2013 20:59

Jasminerose I haven't asked yet, which I know does make me unreasonable. I wouldn't know how to ask without it seeming confrontational.

KeatsiePie not in so many words, no. I'm not the best at open communication (see above!)

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 12/10/2013 21:00

OP - direct your husband to the research (widely publicised last month) that most Britons prefer a clean, tidy house to sex or holidays!! (36 per cent rated clean, tidy house first to 18 per cent preferring sex!) That should concentrate his mind if he wants the latter any time soon.

Original poster
strruglingoldteach · 12/10/2013 21:07

Right, thanks again for the responses. DD2 has finally fallen asleep so I'm off to get that Wine. I feel better just for having had a moan. (And I can hear DH doing the washing up now, which helps!).

OP posts:
Coldlightofday · 12/10/2013 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 12/10/2013 21:12

I would ask him to take the kids out tomorrow so that you can do the cleaning... then do what he did today - sweet FA.

:)

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 12/10/2013 21:13

Don't rush down if you can still hear the dishes being done!! Wait until you can't hear it anymore.... dilly!

KeatsiePie · 12/10/2013 21:15

Totally understand Grin It can be an embarrassing/stilted/tense conversation. But if you are thinking about doing it -- I would get a glass of wine, sit down, and say look, I think you should know, I still find you completely white-hot sexy, like I want to tear your pants off when I look at you. But I am just too tired to actually do it. Seriously I am collapsing with fatigue and stress. Please can you help me figure out what we can do wrt. the house routines? B/c I miss you so much.

Avoids blame & guilt, which he would react badly to; frames it more like you need his help, which triggers his sense of responsibility; and points out that you desire and miss him, which he needs to know whether you feel it at that moment or not.

Vivacia · 12/10/2013 21:17

What's he been doing all day?

bimbabirba · 12/10/2013 21:24

I totally know where you're coming from. It's such a turn off when your DP has been a slob or just simply not paid attention to your moods and needs enough. I don't know why men just don't get it.

CooCooCachoo · 12/10/2013 21:26

Think Ribena meant (as she explained) 'can you not do the cleaning?' Means can you hold yourself back and just not do it?

This is a useful strategy I have used recently, if DH doesn't do his bits when he is meant to/ when needed...I just don't do it!

At first I had to bite my tongue, I would have properly lost my shit in the OPs situation about 3 months ago....but have started to realise its just not worth it. I WILL tell DH that I thought he said he would/ was meant to be doing something....ignore any provocative come backs/silence...he generally then pulls his finger out of his arse and does something....

.....I just don't know why this works though!

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