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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 year old help!!

18 replies

traceybucks67 · 12/10/2013 13:17

My 19 year old daughter has walked out of home this week, her boyfriend sent me a awful text stating I am an un fit mother, who has ruined my childrens lives, I expect them to babysit, I charge her rent, I have not done anything for her, and my house is a shag pad for my benefit ( I have had two boyfriends in the last two years). It has torn my world apart, and I dont know what to do, she is looking at bedsits today! I charge her £30 per week, she buys her own food, this was her choice, orginally I said £25 all in but she would have to babysit my 9 year old once a week, hoover once a week, and walk our family dog once a week. She know does nothing to help out round the house, am I expecting to much??? I am a single parent, working full time, I lost my tax credit for her, maintance from her dad, and child benefits, totalling approx £500 per month down. I had to pay rent when I lived at home, and it taught me things dont come for nothing, as I right???

OP posts:

flyingwidow · 12/10/2013 13:24

He sounds charming! She sounds naive. Does she work? She'll have a shock if she moves into a bedsit. She is being ungrateful I'm afraid and it is neither her, not her boyfriends prerogative to call your home a shag pad for 2 boyfriends!! Very cheeky as presume you pay the rent/mortgage!

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 12/10/2013 13:25

yanbu. let her move out. even support it. she is in for a rude awakening. my dc do more bar the childminding and they are under 7. all part of the deal being a family. we all chip in with chores

ConsideringTheFuture · 12/10/2013 13:25

I am a single parent, working full time, I lost my tax credit for her, maintance from her dad, and child benefits, totalling approx £500 per month down

My instant reaction is that THIS is a red flag. Is this something you have said to her?

I remember leaving college and being 'blamed' by my mum for loss of her cb/tax credits and maintenance. Very subtly but it used to dig away at me nonetheless. I got so fed up of hearing her moaning about her fucking benefits and how i had to make it up to her with chores etc (being my fault for getting older) that in the end I had no sympathy and just wanted to get the hell out.

I don't mean to be mean op. It just struck a chord that that paragraph was something my mum could have written. I have been that 19 year old and it's not fun either.

pigsDOfly · 12/10/2013 13:28

Well she's not going to find a bedsit for £120 a month, unless you live in the back of beyond.

Tbh she sounds as if she's having a very easy ride and it might do her good to go out into the wider world and find out how much everything costs and how hard it is to make ends meet, and to do her own housework.

Her bf sounds bloody disrespectful and I'd be inclined to tell him so, if I were you. Rude little sod.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/10/2013 13:29

Let her go - she is a grown up (well technically ) and nothing you can say will convince her that "you know best" so to speak. We learn by our own mistakes and experiences. Just ask her to let you know her new address and that if she wants to ever pop round for a visit, or come to see her sibling, she will be welcome.
I don't think there's much else you can do, and well, you do seem to be being a bit, ah, dramatic... let her live in the real world and she will soon find out it's not all fun and games and pleasing herself.

YouTheCat · 12/10/2013 13:33

Her boyfriend sounds a charmer. Is he older than her? He sounds controlling. How you parent is nothing at all to do with him.

Let her go. She will come back when she realises what an horrendous mistake she's made.

RevelsRoulette · 12/10/2013 13:35

Shes a grown woman, let her go. She will realise how good she had it.
her boyfriend sounds charming.
let us see how they both feel when reality kicks in.
I wouldnt be letting her move back in tbh. Not without some frank discussion about being a grown up and the cost of living!
where is she living atm?

mrsjay · 12/10/2013 13:42

god sake her boyfriend sounds a keeper the way he spoke to you is terrible it sounds like your daughter had it quite easy at home the things she does or was expected to do is not a lot really let her get her bedsit I am sorry she is treating you like shite from what you are saying she is acting like a spoiled girl who thinks she has it tough she so hasn't, let her see how hard it is and she will need to do her own hoovering,

gamerchick · 12/10/2013 13:44

Seriously OP let her crack on. There comes a point where you have to step back and let him find out life for themselves. Let her know she's welcome to come home but just let her get on with it.

I never charged mine rent though... not until she was working I said. Babysitting I would pay her to do but chores were a given. I had given her her child benefit every week so she could learn to budget so didn't miss it when it stopped.. don't get any tax credits anyway though so circumstances slightly different.

She still moved out.. got herself a pad and is managing alright. You just have to let them get on with it.

Did you grieve the loss of money to her verbally? That could do a persons head in a bit.

Beastofburden · 12/10/2013 13:52

I would separate the money from the love.

I know money is tight and losing all that income is a shock, but you have to let it go. I can see why she would find it a bit odd that she generates £500 a month for the family but you still charge her rent etc and are unhappy that it wasn't really enough (unless I didn't understand that part). So don't talk about money any more. Even though you may feel you were perfectly reasonable, from her POV it makes no sense.

Say instead you had no idea she felt that way, you love her, you are sorry she was unhappy, she is welcome to move out if she would be happier, can you bring her round a cake when she moves in?

That way if her BF turns out to be bad news she will come home again, and as things calm down you can be friends again.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 12/10/2013 13:57

Did you grieve the loss of money to her verbally? That could do a persons head in a bit.

This.

If I was under any illusions about what type of person my mother was (I wasn't as it happens), I would have certainly been cured after she began to rant about how the loss of her benefits affected her.

Maybe she's feeling as though all she was to you was money and babysitting.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/10/2013 14:00

Let her get on with it. She'll soon realise what being an adult is really about. Her bf sounds like a tosser, don't welcome him back by any means.

mrsjay · 12/10/2013 14:02

there is really nothing wrong with adult children knowing child benefit etc has stopped they are an adult , I guess it will depend on how you say it but asking an adult to pay some money to the household and being a part of the family by helping out isn't really a bad thing

MrsDeVere · 12/10/2013 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beastofburden · 12/10/2013 14:08

True, it is fair enough to say, now you are 18, our family budget is going to come under fire as we no longer get any funding for you as a child.

I think I got the wrong end of the stick earlier- the OP is saying that she lost the £500 not because the kid walked out, but earlier, when she turned 18, and the rent is only since she was 18? In which case, what I said up thread is wrong, sorry.

I still think my second para is what I would do, though.

ivykaty44 · 12/10/2013 14:08

text her and wish her well but also say if things don't work out then you will always have a home here.

Don't get into a text argument, if her boyfriend wants to think this that and the other then fine its his opinion, if your dd thinks that for now - well be understanding and value her opinion and except that is why she is leaving home.

you need to be the silent adult and keep your mouth zipped, don't make her back into a corner as this will really leave your relationship in tatters - so make sure it is clear you are hoping everything works out for her but if it doesn't then she is still welcome to return.

Let her fly the nest and see what life is like living in a bedsitter, it will be fun at first and the reailty later may be different.

Beastofburden · 12/10/2013 14:09

The bit about going round with cake, I mean

LimitedEditionLady · 12/10/2013 14:32

Let her go,let her learn by her own means but be there without a lecture if it goes wrong.Perhaps try building up a friendlier relationship while shes not in your home anymore,maybe ask her for tea one night a week ( on her own as her bf is a disrespectful little twonk) but tell her its on her own because you want to be able to spend quality time together and also itll save her buying tea for a night.Try not be argue anymore,shes not under your roof theres nothing to fight about,you cam build it back up.

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