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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite drunk friend to stay the night?

19 replies

Troubleintmill · 12/10/2013 01:07

I went out with a friend tonight. He had more to drink than me and usually gets a taxi home alone as his house is the opposite direction to mine. Tonight he got In the taxi with me and I think wanted to stay at mine. I was tired and have a 2.11yr old DS so didn't really want him to stay (he is gay btw). Was I being unreasonable to hand him the money for my share if the taxi and get out at my house without offering him to come in and stay? I feel guilty but just couldn't be doing with it.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 12/10/2013 01:12

No, YANBU.

2Retts · 12/10/2013 01:13

I think you really have to go with your gut on this one.

He may have wanted to say (you don't mention whether he requested to or not) but you are not obligated to offer simply because he jumped into your cab.

As you DO mention, you are tired and have a child to consider so please don't feel guilty...it's really not obligatory for everybody who chooses to jump into your cab (despite your accepting their company in the actual cab I hasten to add).

2Retts · 12/10/2013 01:13

*stay not say

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 01:15

Course not, if he didn't even ask you if it was OK for him to go round then he can't be pissed at what stage of the journey your answer was given.

You gave him the cash for your bit, if he was struggling with something else and wanted to talk he should have said.

What is it that's made you feel guilty?

Did he want to talk about something specific do you think? Want some company? Didn't want to go back to his for some reason?

Could you ask him about it tomorrow? If you're doing it to check he's OK he won't take offence.

Original poster

Troubleintmill · 12/10/2013 01:24

Sorry, he did ask to stay and I said I didn't think it was suitable. Maybe if he'd asked previous to us going out it wd have been ok I don't know. We talked pre getting drunk and he seemed ok. Maybe I'll just apologise tomorrow and say maybe next time.

OP posts:

2Retts · 12/10/2013 01:31

At which point did he ask?

I agree, it has to be pre-agreed where children are at home...most times

I don't think you need to apologise though, just mention that it's best pre-arranged with DS at home. Don't feel bad Troubleintmill

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 01:42

He asked to stay, you said no, but he got in your taxi regardless?

If that is what you're saying then why do you think he did that?

He forgot? Because he was pissed? Was trying to pressure you?

It's possible that if he's having trouble with something that the alcohol might have loosened his tongue.

Does he stop over a lot? (sorry about the ton of questions just nosey )

Bogeyface · 12/10/2013 02:00

Why would you apologise and make excuses?

You home, your life, your choice!

I rather suspect that saying no is a new experience for you.

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 02:14

'I rather suspect that saying no is a new experience for you.'

If that's right it'd explain why he just ignored the OP saying no.

Which I'd think was a bit creepy tbh.

2Retts · 12/10/2013 02:18

Ditto

Bogeyface · 12/10/2013 02:41

Double ditto on it being creepy.

CharityFunDay · 12/10/2013 03:38

Woah.

The last few posts have been based on a comment by a third party who has no involvement in the situation. Suddenly this friend has become 'creepy'? Really?

IME people who are pissed often get quite cantankerous and are difficult to dissuade from a course of action that they are fixated on, be that kipping round someone else's or ordering a massive kebab. I know I can be like that sometimes.

I wouldn't read anything else into it, personally.

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 03:52

Only the OP will know what the bloke's like in reality Charity.

But going on the fact that he had asked her, and she had said no, I don't think even him being pissed would excuse him putting any kind of pressure on her to invite him in.

He's made a special effort to get into a taxi going in the opposite direction knowing he's not welcome at its destination.

The OP knew what that meant.

Man, woman, gay, straight, that's creepy behaviour, because it suggests he thinks he can manipulate her - and there is evidence that he has been manipulative because the OP's been left thinking she should apologise!

Hopefully I've over-read between the lines, but sometimes alcohol only exaggerates what a person's like when they're sober, and that could stand for him.

CharityFunDay · 12/10/2013 04:59

and there is evidence that he has been manipulative because the OP's been left thinking she should apologise!

No, that's evidence of her caring for a friend, not of manipulation by that friend.

Drunk people don't always behave rationally. Indeed, they drink in order to get less rational.

If this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour by OP's friend, then it might be something to be concerned about. But there isn't any evidence that this is the case.

Mia4 · 12/10/2013 10:40

I have to agree with Charity in regards to OPs friend, we don't know how drunk the guy as but when my sister got really tanked she used to get easily confused and forgets things. Sometimes we'd find her wandering aimlessly an hour later or just listening quietly to people's conversation.

He could be a creep who thinks OP is a doormat and can pressurise her but in that case then OPs got a whole other issue then her feeling guilty.

But YANBU to do that OP, you told him no, he didn't listen. Whether it was because he ignored you or was just too drunk only you know but you might want to think on why he still came with you rather then feel guilty that you stuck by your original no. If it was just him being that drunk he'll either not remember or be embarrassed but either way you might want to emphasise that getting so drunk did worry you. If he was pressurising, you need to sort out why.

claudedebussy · 12/10/2013 10:42

you did the right thing. i wouldn't want a drunk in the house with my child.

Original poster

Troubleintmill · 12/10/2013 11:01

Wow. I wasn't expecting all these suggestions on what might have made him get in the taxi and even a suggestion he is creepy, a bit out of order I would say as no-one knows him except me.

I don't feel so bad in the cold light of day and it would have been awkward to have him stay so think I did the right thing. He's never stayed before, we've known each other a long time and there's a back story. I think he probably wasn't used to me saying no and I see he does take advantage sometimes, not sure how I will deal with this but he might be moving away soon anyway so I guess it won't be an issue any more..

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 11:55

'I think he probably wasn't used to me saying no and I see he does take advantage sometimes'

He wasn't used to you saying no so he decided it was OK to ignore it, that's creepy, what other things might he think he can overrule you on? What if he carried on ignoring you saying no and got out of the taxi anyway? Would you have let him stay?

You're kind and supportive and he takes the piss by going too far, it's not out of order to say that's isn't right.

Beastofburden · 12/10/2013 14:28

Don't worry about it, if he says something just say, oh you were so pissed, I didn't really want DS seeing it as he is so fond of you normally

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