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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That this is rude and is basically the same as ignoring someone?

21 replies

Lilacroses · 11/10/2013 23:16

I feel like I'm going mad today. I've known someone for about !0 years and about 6 mths ago she began blanking me whenever she saw me. By that I mean failing to acknowledge me at all with a smile, wave or hello.

She did it again this week so I texted her and asked her why. After denying it and saying I'd insulted her she then admitted she had seen me on each occasion but had been too busy to acknowledge me. Apparently that isn't rude it's normal. It isn't is it? I've never been so busy I couldn't smile at someone or say hi. Btw I think I know why but it's a long and boring story.

OP posts:

TeamEdward · 11/10/2013 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocacolaMum · 11/10/2013 23:18

tell her to fuck off and move on. if you aren't giving the full story I cannot say whether YABU or rude or whatever but just sever whatever remains and don't think about her again.

Original poster

Lilacroses · 11/10/2013 23:19

Thanks TeamEdward.....I don't really need to ask that do I?

OP posts:

Mollywashup · 11/10/2013 23:22

I used to have a friend like that best friend one minute ignore you the next did it too everyone, not my friend anymore think people like that are either plain ignorant or unhinged think she was the latter

Original poster

Lilacroses · 11/10/2013 23:28

This is the thing Molly....I have known one or two other people that are all over you one minute and then ignore you the next but as this woman had been a friend for solong it feels more blatant and deliberate. The basic background is that I fell out catastrophically with a mutual friend of ours. It was horrendous and very very upsetting and most people have been very fair and sensitive about it ie not taken sides. I suspect this woman has taken sides but wont admit it.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/10/2013 23:30

You know why, we don't. So how can we say.

CocacolaMum · 11/10/2013 23:30

what do you want to do about it? would you actually miss the friendship? could you get past this if she suddenly deigns you good enough for her time?

Original poster

Lilacroses · 11/10/2013 23:33

My question Funky was whether anybody else thought her excuse "being too busy to acknowledge "me could possibly be true or whether people thought that was just something she made up.

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 11/10/2013 23:34

obviously she made it up.

Original poster

Lilacroses · 11/10/2013 23:35

No I really wouldn't Cocacola. I do feel a bit sad because we had some fun times and I hate being on bad terms with people (I:d never had a falling out with a friend as an adult). But no, I need to just accept it and move on.

OP posts:

BrokenSunglasses · 11/10/2013 23:36

It's probably something she made up.

But without knowing why she might have come to the decision to stop talking to you, we can't say whether she was unreasonable to make it up or not.

Milkjug · 11/10/2013 23:36

It depends what 'acknowledging you' actually means. A nod and a 'hi' doesn't seem particularly time consuming, but if you're the type who gives a lengthy account of her health and mood in answer to 'How are you?' she might have a point.

Original poster

Lilacroses · 11/10/2013 23:38

No I'm not Milkjug I'm saying she would look through me saying nothing and turn away.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 11/10/2013 23:52

I've 'blanked' people I've known and looked through them, even made eye contact but that's because I've been miles away thinking about other shit and they've not registered (until about 5 seconds afterwards of course, and then it's too late to not look a twat ).

But I'm embarrassed/mortified, and your friend is making it clear to you what it means for her.

There's no way she would be like this if she was a genuine friend, and if she's taken sides with your mutual friend then you can't do anything but leave it.

Maybe in time things will calm down, you can only guess at how the mutual friend has spun things to her.

elcranko · 12/10/2013 00:26

I think it sounds like she's doing it on purpose. She's already admitted that she definitely saw you but chose not to speak to you. She could easily say "hi! Can't stop, I'm in a rush. I'll call you soon!" It would take literally seconds.

Time to find better friends OP.

Original poster

Lilacroses · 12/10/2013 05:50

Thanks all. MN was brilliant to me when this whole thing happened in the first place and again it's helpes with straightforward advice. Thanks all, will move on and stop agonising now.

OP posts:

yeghoulsandlittledevils · 12/10/2013 06:18

I can see another scenario that would lead to this. If the person who blanked you was friends with both you and the otger friend (the one you had a falling out over) and they had been put between you and moaned at. It can make someone fwel as though they have to choose between those friends. It puts them in a very difficult position and although blanking you wasn't good, if you all have children who are friends, perhaps she felt the need to have a rest from feeling in the middle of things. Or perhaps the friend you fell out with has been moaning at her and she feels deep down she wants to ask you about it but also that it would be wrong to, so she stopped herself by blanking you.

Alternatively there could have been some terrible trauma (something she can't talk about) that is taking up most of her thinking space and so when out shopping she isn't all there.

Hope that makes sense. Yes, it is rude, but there are circumstances when it can be the least rude option for some people.

Original poster

Lilacroses · 12/10/2013 06:38

I know what you mean yeg but no, I've never talked to this person about what happened with the other woman. I've only talked about it with friends not in that group for this reason. I don't want to compromise them. There's no trauma that I know of, she speaks to everyone else. I know what's happened. It's ok. Not the end if the world, a bit sad but nevermind. Thanks though, your reply is appreciated.

OP posts:

yeghoulsandlittledevils · 12/10/2013 06:44

Well, that's pants then, sorry Lila. Make sure you see your other friends who know her (not to gossip, just as friends) in case she turns out to be a wendy too!

pigletmania · 12/10/2013 10:39

Life is to short, distance yoursef from her, she does not sound very nice, blaming you first, than making excuses

DeWe · 12/10/2013 12:56

I remember my dm being approached by an old friend when I was about 16yo. She appologised for ignoring her on the times she had seen her in the last 12 years.
The last time dm had spoken to her was when she turned up at dm's house with her small children hiding from her OH, and went into women's refuge after considerable domestic abuse.

This was the first time she had felt able to come up to dm and speak to her because even seeing her brought back the memories. It clearly had taken a lot to come up to her at that point, you could see it had.

Actually dm had just assumed that she hadn't seen her when she'd waved, and assured her that she wasn't upset and understood.

If dm had asked her I think saying she was "busy" would have been an answer that covered it. Busy thinking really, or maybe busy trying not to think.

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