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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want another child?

22 replies

Consideringanother1 · 11/10/2013 23:02

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, I'm just generally interested in knowing if your broodiness/want for another child ever left you?

I have two gorgeous healthy children and considering I didn't think I could ever have children (multiple miscarriages before my first), I feel so incredibly blessed. But, I can't shake off this feeling that I'd really love just one more child. My husband is done, but I don't feel done at all.

His thoughts are that he's getting on a bit and our 18 month old has been such a difficult sleeper that he'd go insane if we had to go through it all over again (considering we still aren't out of it). I appreciate that I really do, but a few people have become pregnant again with number 3 and I can't help but feel a jealousy that they are going to have another.

I didn't enjoy pregnancy last time, so I'm not looking at it with rose tinted glasses. I know it will be hard work to be pregnant again chasing after a 3 and 1.5 year old and then looking after a newborn, but it isn't putting me off. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crying over it at all - yet!

My question is, will this feeling pass? Am I mourning the fact I won't get to experience having another baby again? I'm well aware that a baby will turn into a little person and Im not broody in the sense I coo over just babies. Or am I in danger of it consuming me so much that I become miserable about it?

I know everyone is different but any experiences would be welcome

Thanks

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 11/10/2013 23:25

mine are 12 and 7. I was so far from broody for AGES but this last 6 months it has come back with a vengeance. I KNOW that it would be too much to have another now but I do find myself looking at baby clothes....

mumofweeboys · 11/10/2013 23:29

Iv got three, same sort of age gap and can tell you, the third was a huge slam on my relationship with oh. You have no time to be a couple for about a year after birth, if your not well during pregnancy, everything gets loaded onto oh, you don't get to enjoy the baby as much because your running around after the others. Don't get me started on the utter sleep deprivation if you have more than one waking.

I love my boys dearly but I never thought 3 under 5 would be so tough.

NaturalBaby · 11/10/2013 23:33

I had 3 under 3's and my ovaries ache every time I see a large pregnancy bump or newborn baby. I'm gutted that I'll never be pregnant again, or have another tiny baby.
I also currently have a wild, tantruming, terrible 2yr old who is missing several hours of much needed sleep a day - borrow him if you'd like your broodiness curing, it's working wonders for me!

Have you always wanted 3 dc's? Can you picture yourself with 3 children?

Justforlaughs · 11/10/2013 23:34

I have 5 and still get broody! I know I'm too old now, but I wish I wasn't! I can't afford any more and I wish I could! My DH had the snip and I wish he hadn't! I know how lucky I am (most of the time, anyway, ) but oh to be pregnant again and feel that baby move.

jennifersofia · 11/10/2013 23:35

I have 3 - 12,10 and 5. I didn't feel 'done' after 2, we debated it ages, went ahead, and now definitely do feel 'done'! Gap difficult in some ways (career, differing interests of children etc) but good in others - really felt I could enjoy myself with this baby, knew what I was doing, and so on.

I did once speak to someone with 8, the last two being twins. She said that she had 6 and really felt she wanted more, they tried to wait it out, took on big project with the house etc, but still wanted more, and then had twins. I asked her if she felt 'done' and she said 'No' (!) but she would definitely not have any more.

Idislikemymil · 11/10/2013 23:35

On the other hand... Having 3 is amazing! It is hard work, but so rewarding and such a bundle of loveliness. I love the dynamics of having 3. I didn't have that 'complete' feeling until I had my third. That finished feeling came within a few minutes of my third being born and has stayed with me ever since.

CocacolaMum · 11/10/2013 23:37

Luckily for me, people I know keep having babies so that takes the edge off but it does suck that I am early thirties now so realistically I know that by the time we could afford to I possibly wont be able to.

SaggyIsHavingAPinkKitten · 11/10/2013 23:39

I am pg with number 3. DS is 17, DD is 14! ive been broody for a decade or so!
Im REALLY looking forward to it. The dcs are really excited!
I dont think anyone can tell you what to do you just have to go with your gut.

MrsHelsBels74 · 11/10/2013 23:46

I've got 2 children, 3 and 1 and we just can't have another one, but there's a part of me that is so sad I'm never going to be pregnant or hold my own new born baby again.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/10/2013 01:12

I had my pfb and was thoroughly traumatised and was determined that it would be Never Again and he would be an only child. (In fact his father and I never actually had sex again after he was born, and divorced when he was one ) but then I remarried and no2 son was born when my pfb was 4. I spent my entire pregnancy terrified of the actual birth, but it was so much easier second time round. Then I thought that was it, 2 sons, no more.
When I eventually got with my now DH, he had no children, and whilst he had always wanted them, he was quite prepared to love the boys as his own and be content, but I got all broody, and we had DD when the boys were 12 and 8. I was totally unprepared for the broodiness to hit again - as DD turned one, I was overcome with longing for another baby, and we had no3 son and then we said we'd stop, but it happened again and we "sort of accidentally on purpose" had no4 son, and then DH got the snip in case it happened again because we knew it really wasn't fair on the children we had, to have any more. We had no money and no room and squeezed mo4 son in anyway, but to do that again would have been really irresponsible so we had to acknowledge that he was absolutely the last one.
I do sometimes still get broody, but my pfbs friends are now starting families of their own, so I get to knit teeny bootees and coo over babies and hand them back when they need changing and my pfb is engaged and lives with his fiancee and they are talking about starting a family in the next couple of years, so I can look forward to being a grandma instead

ZingDollyChops · 12/10/2013 01:30

we have 6 and I still have the same dilemma.

had a MC so I don't think our family will ever feel complete, but apart from that I don't know what to decide

we sort of decided to go for it (actually TTC since August) but now I'm thinking maybe not?

they are hard work and I just don't know how I could cope with another pg then bf and even more sleepless nights.

oldest is 12y, youngest is 18 months.

sorry, no brilliant advice from me, only that if he is against it then I fear it's a no.

if he was to say maybe then it's a yes and I'd say go for it.

PicardyThird · 12/10/2013 08:13

Mine are 8 and just turned 6 and we've been trying again since last year. 2 mcs so far, and as that brings the total of mcs to 5 (also had 3 before/between the dc) we are in investigations. I did always want three but when the dc were little I wanted to wait a bit - I bf/tandem fed for ages, plus as dc2 was born when I was 30 I figured we had time . I had often imagined leaving a biggish gap before having no. 3. Now that gap is getting bigger than I anticipated.

There are a million reasons why it might be better to stay as we are, but the longing doesn't obey logic. We are going to keep at it unless and until I end up having so many mcs that continuing would be inadvisable.

Original poster

Consideringanother1 · 15/10/2013 14:27

Thanks so much for all of your responses. It is really interesting to see how some of you still long for another after many years, some after many children - think my husband would freak if I continued after one more :) and how it has been a real strain for some of you too.

In answer to Naturalbaby, I did really think that after 2 I would be done but there is something still there niggling away. But after mcs in the past I do really feel blessed to have any children, let alone 2. So in a way I feel greedy wanting another one.

My husband feels backed in to a corner. I'm not putting pressure on him at all. Honestly. I've just told him how I feel and he thinks that if he doesn't agree then I will blame him in the future. I really don't think I would. He's entitled to have an opinion too. Anyway, there are so many ifs and buts. Who is to say I could have another? At least I would have tried though.

Picardy - Good luck with tests etc. You may just find it has been 'bad luck' like was found with me. Doesn't make it any easier though.

OP posts:

ZingDollyChops · 15/10/2013 14:48

longing doesn't obey logic

picardy
that is so true.

I'm sorry for all your struggles and that you lost so many babies.

Squitten · 15/10/2013 14:49

I'm about to drop DC3 and this will definitely be our last one. We had always planned three children and after DC2, it just didn't feel finished. It felt like there was someone missing.

There are many practical reasons for not having any more kids: it means we won't be forced to move house for lack of bedroom space, we're already noticing the food bills and school expenses mounting and there's only so much we can afford before our comfortable finances are not so comfortable, this pregnancy has been the hardest of all three - not on account of health issues, just sheer exhaustion! There is nowhere to hide with two children already, no matter how ill or tired you are and I haven't enjoyed it.

DH will be getting the snip next year. We both feel that our reasons for not wanting any more children are sound and we just want to close that door and move on from babydom. Our eldest is at school now and moving on to a different stage of childhood. By the time this baby is starting Reception, we will have spent an entire decade with under-5s. I don't want to be forever tied to nappies and naptimes!

I think whether you have one child or ten, saying no more babies is the end of a life chapter and it's always sad. Other people will always be pregnant and there will always be babies reminding you of what you did have and all the nice things about it. I think once you know your family is complete, you can acknowledge the broodiness and put it away. If you can't do that, I don't think you're done.

Original poster

Consideringanother1 · 15/10/2013 17:54

Thanks Squitten. Your last paragraph makes complete and utter sense. It's the saying no more and it being over for good which is always difficult even though as you say, you do feel done.

I'll mention it again tonight and see if he's still running for the hills. If so, I think I will just have to accept it and remind myself how incredibly lucky I am to have two healthy children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Consideringanother1 · 15/10/2013 20:53

Doesn't help that I'm at the right time of my cycle too!!!

OP posts:

Maman2filles · 24/10/2013 15:29

How did you get on Comsideringanother1? My DH has insisted we don't talk about this issue any more and I'm trying to put it out of my mind, but it really doesn't help when I see my friend and neighbour every day who is getting bigger with her third each week... I don't know if it's just a huge hormonal trick our bodies play on us while we can still conceive, or if it's a real desire which won't go away. I'm very scared I will regret having only two when I'm too old...

PTFO · 24/10/2013 18:11

maman2
I understand how hurtful it is to see someone pregnant. Ive just refused to go to an xmas party as someone we know there will be visably pregnant, I just cant sit looking at her and having to say how great she looks and asking all the usual questions- I just don't think I could even look at her. I know this is my problem and not her fault but why put myself in that situation?!

I cant accept it or deal with it either.

PTFO · 24/10/2013 18:12

consider- how are you coping with this? I wish there were a book or something!!

Mim78 · 24/10/2013 18:15

It's never "unreasonable" to want another child. But you might want to think it through very carefully together before making a decision!

I think sometimes we can't actually have all the children we would have liked, but wanting it cannot be unreasonable.

Maybe DP will feel differently in a few years - a gap is not necessarily a bad thing. I think you have to make a joint decision though. It will be really hard for you both if his heart is not in it and you pressure him into having a third IMO.

Mim78 · 24/10/2013 18:17

PS - I wouldn't talk to him about it tonight. I would talk to him about it in a few months if/when DC2 has got a bit easier!

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