To be considering pulling out all the stops to help ds fit in more?

[lecce]

I have had worries about ds's (6) social skills since he was three, when we pulled him out of pre-school because he was just moping around alone every time I collected him - though he had been happy in the toddler room.

He changed school in February, mid-way through year 1 and I continue to worry. In both schools he has been in, he has never been invited to a playdate or a birthday party . He has only ever mixed outside school with the families and their children we knew pre-dc. The first school he went to was in a very deprived area and I don't think playdates and parties were 'done' much there. However, we are now in a more mixed/affluent area and still nothing. The thing is, I don't know whether it is partly because I have no contact with school parents as I work f/t, and Dh is, well, a man - and a fairly reserved one at that!

On the positive side, ds loves school, says he has people to play with, plays well with the few dc we know, mixes well with random children in playgrounds etc, is greeted with enthusiasm by school friends when we see them in our small town and plays with them if we bump into them in the park, had about 50-60% turn-out for the 2 parties we have held for him and is adored by one of his old friends from his last school - his mother tells us her ds still misses him and talks about him all the time!

On the negative side, he has always seemed a bit different, has a bit of 'old professor syndrome' going on, preferred the company of adults when he was younger (though this is less the case now), still has a tendency to talk 'at' people/his peers.

He has hesitated a bit in the last couple of weeks when I have asked what he's done at break and lunchtimes, and has mentioned a few times that we are 'different from other families' because we go for walks instead of playing on computer games. He has mentioned school children commenting on his lunches being 'weird' (esp the fruit and Greek yoghurt) and telling him that Leappads are for babies. He has also mentioned that he is playing more with a reception child whose elder sister, in ds's class, has told ds he needs to 'look after him'. I feel this is a way of excluding ds from games and feel the gap between him and his peers is becoming wider the older he gets. He told me today that he walked around the playground at lunchtime telling this younger child facts about space. This makes me feel very uneasy.

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should get him an X-box and start putting crisps and frubes I his lunch box, and another part of me thinks he is destined to be different whatever I do. I would love to hear others' opinions on what, if anything, I should do. Dh thinks he is absolutely fine and part of the reason for this rambling post is that he refuses to discuss the fact that there may be a problem.

I dont know what to say but didnt want to read and run.Has slightly worried me this as your six year old old sounds like my two year old now.My two year old hangs out near adults 80% of the time and hes a bit old professor,i kinda worry he wont play with children when he gets to school,is this something that will change?If theres a kid hos age he doesnt really play but will talk and smile but say an eleven year old comes he will play with them.anyone elses children like this?

Why don't you ask for an appointment with his teacher, they see far more dc of that age to compare them to.

OP, have you got concerns about your son's social skills that would warrant having him assessed? Do you think he may be on the autistic spectrum? I don't want to assume, but I'm reading between the lines of your post.

If you have concerns, do take him to the gp and ask for referral. My 6 yeari old son was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome last year, and it's made a huge difference in understanding the way he works and helping him navigate social situations.

And no, I don't think you shiould feed him crisps and get him an x box. It won't help him fit in. There is always something other children can find to pick on a child about - I'd concentrare on self esteem and resilience, and generally making siure your son is ihappy and confident.

I agree that his teacher is the best place to start. Would your dh be peeved if you did this?

Don't get him to change but getting him some of the stuff and interests of his peers is no bad thing (cool lunch box etc.). The odd bag of crisps is also ok.

Have you invited any children over? I think when you work you do have to try harder with the other parents as you don't see them every day.

I would also speak to the teacher. I would ask her who she suggests you invite over too.

I know I should speak to the teacher, but I don't feel like I will really get anywhere. He has now had 4 different teachers and I have asked all of them about his social skills. Three of them responded by asking him who he played with . What the point of that is I don't know - I obviously do it myself pretty much every day. We have a parents' evening coming up and I intend to be a lot more insistent about getting a meaningful answer but I don't hold out much hope as ds is very well-behaved and able and this seems to be what they focus on. (I am a teacher so not teacher-bashing, just going by past experience).

Dh will be furious if I try and take things further. I feel he could do more to try and instigate playdates and the like and he thinks I am over-anxious (I am, in other areas, but this doesn't mean I'm not right in this case!).

I have a 14 year old 'square peg'. Don't change your child to fit in with other people, he'll find friends that are like him in his own time. It's hard to watch and do nothing but there will be a point where people will like him for who he really is, not who he pretends to be. Do speak to his teacher though, she may be able to help.

It's hard

What LadyMary says, very beautifully and clearly put.

One thing I would add though. To my mind, 6 is very young still. Things can change alot in the next 3-4 years.

Its so hard isn't - my son is a little bit "different" (which we know as adults is something to be celebrated) and spent many a playtime playing by himself and other children not wanting to play with him.

Things have massively improved this year with no intervention by me - some kids just take longer to fit in. You mention that you see kids out sometimes (at weekends I guess) - could you use that as a chance to ask the mum about an after school play date and swap mobile numbers?

Good luck

Sounds a lot l

... Sorry- like my younger brother (now 32). He is mildly on the high functioning asperges spectrum. He was always a lovely, bright thoughtful boy, but struggled with personal relationships, preferred adults and facts etc. he didn't receive a formal diagnosis for years though. He had a horrible time teens and early twenties but having how settled into his own skin has a fantastic friendship group. Certainly in our experience having a diagnosis had been just really helpful in understating the differences and helping him be himself and support him in being his lovely asperges self. So what I'm getting at is... He probably doesn't need a label but it might help you and him fnd the way in society

Like Bababab,I too am reading between the lines here and am seeing Aspergers jumping out at me.My ds was diagnosed at 9 and would pretty much fit your description at that age OP.I would definitely have him assessed if it were me.

I don't think all children who struggle to fit in are on the spectrum. Children come in all shapes and sizes so some will have a different level of maturity and a different way of thinking, it's what makes us all individual after all. Ds is very bright. He'd rather sit and talk to the teachers as he finds the other boys immature. I think the problem is the other boys sometimes as they make him feel odd rather then accept the fact that he's different. He's not on the spectrum, they checked, but he's dyspraxic. The paediatrician said he'll be happier when he's an adult, mentally he already is one but emotionally he isn't IYKWIM.

We are a bit like you - walks and Greek yoghurt etc. Does your son want an X-box? When my son was 8 he was the only one in his class who didn't have a DS. We felt it was making him a bit different and maybe left-out so we got him one. He plays on it a bit but he really likes the fact that he has it IYSWIM.

So if your son wants an X-box I would get him one. But not if he doesn't, you don't want him to feel that you want him to be different.

How about some Saturday afternoon playdates when you are around?

He sounds delightful :)
Not all kids like computer games - my ds1 (10) doesn't but my ds2 (5) loves them.

First of all, we are all different and that needs to be acknowledged and accepted.

An appointment with his teacher, things like Frubes and Cheese strings in his lunch box, and perhaps a DS for use in the car might be useful steps to take, but no need to go mad with adjustments. A larger console might make him more isolated, actually.

I'd avoid an x box to be honest. You're likely to find that the other children are playing things like grand theft auto etc and you really don't want to go down this route. Just because their parents let them play games like this it doesn't mean you should too in an attempt to try to help him fit in.

I have a square peg too. It was hellish when he was your DS' age, but he is now 9 and in Yr5 and I can honestly say it has got easier. The main thing that helped was when he started mixing with children outside school who shared his interests, e.g. at drama club, wind band, RSPB wildlife explorer's group and young archaeologist's club. The fact that he then realised that there were other children like him seemed to make him more confident in school.

If he wants an X-box and cheese strings and you are OK with that then give them to him, but don't force him to be something he isn't.

I have a 14 year old boy who has always preferred both his own and adults company. He used to hate birthday parties, especially his own and never wanted to either invite friends round or go to their houses either. I did used to worry that he lacked social skills and that he might have some kind of problem, but since he started secondary school, I worry much less. He is bright and he doesn't suffer fools gladly so I think he used to find some of the more average children just a bit meh (DD teenage speak). He now has a small group of friends and although he is still quite reserved (and I do still worry that he is a bit odd because he is not into skateboards, football and xbox like many of his peers) I think that is just him. He's happy, doing well at school and at parents evening I am always being told how popular he is! Seriously, don't worry too much. As LadyMary has said, all children are different and mature at different rates - he will eventually find his level.

Wait until they get to 14 and wear a top hat and bow tie for non uniform day . The strangers in the city centre who we met on the way home were more polite then the children at school. Kind of proves a point or two, don't you think?

I wouldn't worry at all if he is happy and thriving in class. All kids are different and if you don't want to be a frubes and xbox family then don't be

You could be talking about my DS (5). He can be very sociable, loves to play with DD and her friends who are a couple of years older. And other times he wants to play on his own and finds everyone giving him a headache. He does not appear to have really "gelled" with the boys in his class. I think sometimes he does play on his own at lunchtime - though I am not sure - I think this is because he is happy to do so - rather than be excluded. He largely seems very happy and cheerful and no problems going to school.
I have had a brief chat with his teacher and we have parents evening coming up - so I shall be somewhat guided by her observations. My DS will never be a full on "lad" playing football and rough/tumbling (please don't flame me for stereotype) he is more likely to be digging up worms and making a bug race track. So he will never fit in the round hole. I just would like to make sure he is happy not bothering with the round hole - if he want to be there I will help him. But tbh I am not sure he is aware of the shape - nor does he care. And I love him for it.

My ds 8 has been assessed for AS and then ADHD and now undergoing further tests the 'professor' image was one that the specialists used. When we moved areas 3 years ago my ds spent over 2 years without being invited to any parties or play dates despite having 2 nice friends who missed him from his last school. The teacher said he didn't want to play but in actual fact he was being bullied and didn't tell us for ages. Anyway he's been at his new school for 2 terms and has been to lots of parties. He really was just stuck with a bad mix of bullies in that class. However he is still socially awkward and hilarious at times. His friends were always younger and that was recommended better to have friends on his level. He still has mostly girl friends and enjoys going to sewing club at school hah. When he gets to secondary level I will be less worried thats is when more individual personalities will come out. He can then find friends who find endless talk about happy prime numbers interesting. I have been an absolute worrywart through all these times but it has gradually got better and better (thanks to his lovely new school and caring classmates who have been taught to accept people for their individual contribution). Don't let him have a 'trendy' crisp diet when you know better and he's happy. If you want to be move involved with the school one off help with sports day catering or school fete is a good way to meet other parents. Thank god we are all destined to be a little different.

My DS has always been like this and now at 16 is considered to be one of the cool kids because he doesn't really care if he fits in or not (oh the irony). He has his core group of friends that he hangs out with on a 1-1 basis because he finds trying to manage more than 1 relationship "annoying".

DD is the complete opposite which makes the difference glaring.