Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask them to keep the door open?

21 replies

Namechangingnorma · 11/10/2013 20:21

DSD aged 15 (just) and her boyfriend who is 16 have been together about 8 months but she has only just started inviting him over. Are we being unreasonable if we ask them to keep the door open when they are up in her room? We havent said anything yet, want to canvass opinion first

OP posts:

HorryIsUpduffed · 11/10/2013 20:25

YANBU

Alternatively, insist on a baby monitor.

::speaks from experience::

Please don't let them upstairs with the door shut. And be careful about her having him round if you're out.

dingit · 11/10/2013 20:25

My dd 15 and bf 15, yes to her bedroom door open! Not sure what happens at his though.

SnoopySnoopyDoggDogg · 11/10/2013 20:27

I had to do this when I was a teenager. I was entirely mortified but looking back I can completely understand why. To be honest I know full well what would have happened had the rule not been enforced, but obviously I can only speak for me and my teenage self not anyone else. Anyway, my parents were right in my case is what I mean.

Now, as a parent to two DDs, I will absolutely be sticking to the same rule.

Original poster

Namechangingnorma · 11/10/2013 20:27

Thanks I thought I was being a little old fashioned, think I will chat to DH's exw and see what she thinks, I suspect she may be a bit more laid back and think its probably best if we have the same approach

OP posts:

runningonwillpower · 11/10/2013 20:32

I'd be very careful about how you express and explain the request to keep the door open. What message are you actually giving her?

'I love you lots but I don't trust you to shag the minute my back is turned? Because that's what you will do if I don't guard you?'

This is your beautiful daughter. Not an unspayed animal.

I really think the best course all round is to have open and honest talks with your daughter about relationships. And then trust her.

Finola1step · 11/10/2013 20:34

It's many years ago since I was 15. But I do remember being 15. Doors open. Every time.

HorryIsUpduffed · 11/10/2013 20:34

I think the message I'd want to be giving is:

We trust you completely, but we don't know him so we don't trust him. We therefore aren't going to give him the opportunity to be untrustworthy in our house. We are not giving him the opportunity to hurt you in our house.

It's not about whether they have sex, but whether they have sex she doesn't want to have, IMHO.

kali110 · 11/10/2013 20:48

Dont think yabu. Though even if door was closed i wouldnt
have been up to anything in my parents house.

breatheslowly · 11/10/2013 21:23

YANBU - but if you go out she may well get up to all sorts, I did.

livinginwonderland · 11/10/2013 21:29

YANBU! My parents had the same rule until I was about 17 iirc. Doors open all the time.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/10/2013 21:33

I wasn't even allowed to be upstairs in a bedroom with one of my boyfriends until I was 18.... But ironically my mom had no problems with me spending the night at their house.

If I were you I'd be asking your daughter's boyfriend's parents what they do to monitor the situation when they are at his house....

cardibach · 11/10/2013 21:51

I honestly don't see why you would. Don't you trust her to be able to call you/walk out in her own home if she feels uncomfortable? I'm with running on this one.

HorryIsUpduffed · 11/10/2013 22:18

Don't you trust her to be able to call you/walk out in her own home if she feels uncomfortable?

I wasn't, which is precisely why I'd insist on a doors-open policy.

Why wasn't I? Because I got into a victim-blaming "ah but if you hadn't let him do A he wouldn't have even tried to do B" cycle.

Original poster

Namechangingnorma · 11/10/2013 22:19

unfortunately due to DSD needing the MAP 6 months ago we know she is already sexually active, its more about not making it any easier and not feeling comfortable with it happening in this house

OP posts:

timidviper · 11/10/2013 22:26

I always trusted my children but, at the same time, I expected them to earn trust on each new experience so I would say door open until you and they feel comfortable with more freedom and privacy.

My experience was that they often appreciated the breathing space that our rules gave them too.

NoComet · 11/10/2013 22:32

They just go for a walk to the woods a 100yards away or the playhouse at the end of garden.

HorryIsUpduffed · 11/10/2013 22:32

Given that she is under the age of consent and has already needed the MAP (eek! same boyfriend?), I think not making it easy for her to have sex isn't an unreasonable position.

Or maybe the answer is bulk buying condoms and working with her mother to make sure she's on the normal OCP?

Spaghettio · 11/10/2013 22:35

My parents had to rule for me..... But not my brother. I totally understand the rule and agree with it - but my god it was unfair not to impose it on my brother and his girlfriend (who was 6 months younger than me).

Spaghettio · 11/10/2013 22:36

Oh, and we will have this rule for our three DSs when the time comes.

Original poster

Namechangingnorma · 11/10/2013 22:37

yes Horry, same boyfriend, he is her first serious relationship, we didnt find out about the MAP until a month after it had happened as her mum wasnt sure how my DH would cope, once we find out he was exceptionally calm and handled it well but it was awful. she was grounded for two months and didnt see her boyfriend in that time and he stuck with it so we know he cares a lot for her. I have talked to DH's ex and she is of the opinion that we just arent going to know if they are still having sex,we think the condom splitting may have scared her sufficiently.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 12/10/2013 11:49

If you know your daughter is sexually active then I think that instead of worrying about whether the door is closed or not you should take her to the GP and discuss other methods of contraception. I had a condom split on me when I was 16 and needed the MAP and it didn't scare me away from having sex again, it just made me realise that accidents can happen and I went to get the contraceptive pill. You say her boyfriend cares for her which is really positive so maybe you should just face the situation head on and deal with the real issues.

Flip