to be grumpy about this

[RaggettyAnnie]

Hi All, First time poster, long time lurker! I normally vent on Facebook about little annoyances, but this one is about a FB friend so need an anonymous venting place and some wise words.
I am a single parent. The friend in question is not. Our children regularly play date together and she asked me to save a date for her daughter's birthday party. When we play date together it is a free for all, but, if anything my son plays more with her daughter than my daughter does. I kept the date, and, as she had mentioned in in front of my son, he was very excited about the party. Out of the blue she told me that she was going to have to only invite my daughter because her daughter wanted a girls only party. My son was really, really upset, but I talked him through, sorted him out and had a nice day out with him. The original verbal invitation was definitely for both children. I wasn't in the least offended, and carried on taking it as a good learning opportunity about sexism and unfairness for my son.
Move on 6 months, and my son and daughter have been invited to another child's birthday party and her son has been invited but not her daughter. Obvious reasons for this as her son, my son and my daughter all know the birthday child, but her daughter doesn't know him. She asked me if my daughter had been invited and then was really cross saying how inconvenient it was and what was she supposed to do with her two daughters while her son was at the party, and that she was going to D* well ask the mother to invite her other two children as it was so thoughtless.
AIBU to be a bit peeved that she is so cross when the party is on a day when her husband will be at home and so there is no problem with one of them taking the son to the party and the daughters staying at home, yet she obviously didn't look beyond the end of her nose to see that she was causing me a similar problem 6 months ago? (As a single mum with no family support, I'm used to having to box and cox to make things work when one of my children is invited to a party, so wasn't bothered at the time, beyond being annoyed at the insensitive way she handled by son. Now, 'though, I'm fuming that she did something to me that she is so cross about someone else doing to her.)

Really need someone to calm me down before I see her at Brownies tonight as I'd like to avoid giving her a public piece of my mind!

Hi Annie. Welcome to Mumsnet. First off, YANBU to feel grumpy but if you say something, then you are just as petty as the other mother.

I don't see a problem with children inviting who they want to their own party. My son just wanted boys to his party. I made sure that all the boys in his class were invited. Nothing to do with sexism or unfairness. He was 5. They are children. Let them play with who they want.

With this new situation, the best thing you can do is nod to yourself with a knowing smile. The shoe is on the other foot with this mum and she doesn't like it. Nod and smile. Don't lower yourself with making comments. Just nod, smile and walk away.

Some people never see what's beyond their own nose. At least you know.

Annie best advice I think given by Finola just ignore even though it gets right up your nose,my DD had these party politic's when the two little ones where smaller and DGD & DGS where invited to differant parties,boys or girls only became the norm at about 6/7 yrs,just think in 10yrs time they will want to reverse the invites

Maybe you could just brush it off lightly if she mentions it by saying 'Yes, it can be a bit of a pain when that happens. Maybe your daughters could have some quality time with just their Dad and you could get some chores done/have some 'me' time? Or perhaps you could take them on a special outing with you - I took my son out while DD was at your daughter's party and I know he really appreciated the time together'.

Thanks for all the advice, folks - Mumsnet wisdom!

@Artex -really interesting you read it like that - I actually really do like her and get on with her well most of the time. Strangely, I think that if I liked her less her double standards on this one would have been water off a ducks' back, but this really hurt.

@Finola and Glammanana, wise words, thank you so much. Yes, children should invite who they want and accept not being invited and if all the invitees are one gender, so be it, but when it is a specific "I only want boys/girls" I find it a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't the fact he wasn't invited that got me, it was the fact he was invited and then uninvited - don't think I'd do that to my worst enemy!

@ Sukebird, brilliant, just brilliant. Saying something positive with a gentle reminder hidden in there to avoid fuming.

Off to Brownies now without a care in the world thanks to the wonderful world of Mumsnet!!