to be panicking at how upset 12 month DS is at creche

[Zara1984]

DS is nearly 12 months. We are having his settling in sessions at his (by all accounts, very lovely) creche this week. I'm back to work on Monday (will be working 3 days a week).

First session yesterday was 1.5 hours. They suggested I leave straight away/sneak out, which I did. When I came back they said he hadn't cried at all, had eaten lunch, been very good. He was sitting in at a table playing but he did look a bit sad/forlorn. Totally fine and happy once we left.

Today the session was 3 hours. I dropped him off at 9am and he was a bit tired (they only do 1 nap a day in the wobbler room - whereas he would normally be having his first nap at about 9am). One of the girls took him off me again and suggested I sneak away, which I did.

When I came back at 12pm I could hear him crying hysterically when they answered the intercom. I could hear him as soon as I entered the building. Went into the room and he was absolutely distraught, I've never seen him so upset. Really really redfaced, tears streaming down his face, he was retching he was so distraught. The staff looked concerned and said he had been "a bit" upset. After I left he started crying, then about an hour later he fell asleep in the arms of one of the workers and had a half hour nap. He then woke up and was a bit better, had some lunch, but then was crying again more and more until I picked him up.

I had forgotten to bring along his favourite stuffed dog the past two days but also I wansn't certain whether having it there would make a big difference if I wasn't there????

I feel absolutely awful, awful, awful. Is this normal? AIBU to be panicking?? Is he not suited to creche? How much crying during settling in is too much? What the Actual Fuck am I going to do?

Definitely no sneaking out, makes them so anxious.

Sounds like the nap was the issue, plus it's really early days.

impatient I'm back at work Monday. DH will be picking him up at 3pm on the days he's in next week, so that's some relief.

I feel so dreadful and quite stupid really now about listening to them about sneaking out. I hope it hasn't made him permanently anxious about the place. The staff are honestly lovely, they are so kind.

So my plan of attack for tomorrow is: happy cheery (but quick) hug and kiss goodbye. I will make sure his favourite toy is there, and also his favourite book. I will also tell the staff his favourite songs that he likes to sing that make him laugh. His sleep sack is there for his nap so that will help him feel relaxed and cosy for his nap. I will remind them to have the bouncer or the sleep mat out for him to have a quick nap on, if he wants it, in the morning. I doubt he would have a long nap as he normally sleeps in his cot in a dark bedroom!

What makes it worse is that I don't want to go back to work. So I need to be confident confident confident.

Please, please please god let him settle quickly.

Does my plan of attack sound ok??

Hi Zara
First of all, good luck with your return to work; it's massively daunting but you can do it!
Your crèche sounds like they're trying to be responsive to your ds's needs and this is a good sign in my opinion. I have three children who've been in crèche ( one still goes in) and can tell you my experiences so maybe it will help.
They have a schedule which suits the crèche system- for the smooth running of the crèche, hence the one nap time. It doesn't work for every child and clearly your ds needs something different. I've found that if I very clearly but politely say, 'please could you make sure xxxx happens' or 'I would like for xxxx to happen' then this generally gets results if the crèche is a good one, which you say it is.
Secondly, your little one has just turned 1 which developmentally is a time where children have a new fear of strangers /separation anxiety guess it's evolution's way of keeping them near to us as they start walking. He should be assigned a keyworker so if possible ask that this worker always greets him /takes him from you if possible.
Your plan of attack sounds good- my dd was never keen on the goodbye so we developed a little phrase along the lines of me saying 'what's the best bit of mummy's day?' And she replied with 'picking xxxx up from nursery'. We said this at goodbye and again at hello. And we repeated this for two years! My dd is 10 now and can still remember this routine. It worked for us but it is so hard for you. If you're bfeeding, a quick feed before going in can help too. My ds2 does this and it helps him have one last snuggle before he goes off to play.
Sorry for the essay- good luck!
X

He will settle (unless you are extremely unlucky).

My DS1 was nine months old and a breastfed bottle refuser when he started full time nursery and my god, he was fucked off about it. I had to be called back twice as he was hysterical. He is three now, attends the same nursery and loves it. No noticeable issues with trust; he has been pretty clingy since birth but has recently become much more outgoing. It is a lovely nursery. (I found recently one of the staff who has known him since his baby days has actually bought him a book on his favourite topic because she is so fond of him and written a lovely message in it for him.)

Joyfully, I have to leave DS2 at six months and I am settling him in now. He is also a bottle refuser so I feel hideous that not only is he missing me but he is confined to solids during the day. He was very upset this afternoon. I felt like complete shit. He is not a clingy baby but is now virtually stuck to me.

But.....I remember with DS1, I told myself we would try and survive a week. We did. Then I said that if he wasn't better in a month, I would just resign and we would have to do whatever to survive. After a month, I wouldn't say he was "happy" but he was not unhappy about nursery. After three months, it was just our normal routine. And now he is thriving.

So even though this period is awful, it will be over soon. I asked DS1 recently if he remembered being a baby at nursery and he thought this was hilarious and said no. I will obviously be scarred by it forever though.

Honestly, your DS won't remember this time at all. You will, but everything will get better.

I went through the same thing when my LO started nursery at the same age. It was awful to see the tears and I felt so bad but the nursery staff told me to persevere as most kids DO settle at some point. I admit that I wasn't convinced and questioned whether I was doing the right thing sending her to nursery.

We did the settling in period and, whilst I never sneaked away, I was advised to make drop offs swift and cheerful as (it was true in our case) the lingering kisses and cuddles and "see you later.. I'll be back" did make it a lot worse! It took a few weeks in our case (as LO wasn't in full time, so I think this meant it took a little longer to get used to nursery). However, the day did come when LO would wave goodbye and not even look back at me! Fast forward and LO is really settled at nursery and we sometimes have days where she has to be coaxed/bribed to leave the nursery playground at home time .

Good luck! I hope your LO gets there!

I was really upset DD started nursery five weeks ago, she never cried before unless she hurt herself and suddenly I saw her distraught, awful. I cried after i dropped her off. However now on drop off I say the name of her key worker and get giggles, I don't take a toy but do take her blankets off the bed, she clings to them when sad and the staff know how to make her happy. Stick with it, if it doesn't get any better is there a childminder option? I do two days nanny and three days nursery. When I collect DD from nursery now I don't get greeted with tears or a forlorn face but big smile!

Thank you cagefighting rubyroo and frijolitas very much - your posts make me feel like I can take him in tomorrow and put on a brave face.

Give a day, then a week, then a month. That's what I'm going to do. Or try to do anyway

And thank you too pigsmummy

Yes childminder is an option if he doesn't settle in creche but TBH, DH and I are leaning more towards me quitting if he doesn't start liking it

Definitely make sure that he naps at nursery when he would at home. My DS is 20 months old and he's only just recently dropped the morning nap which he was having as well as his afternoon one. At nursery they used to put him to sleep in a buggy in the morning and it worked well.
He took ages to settles in too and was as distraught as you describe, but I had full trust in the staff and knew it was only a matter of time. Horrible though!
One thing that would help though would be to get him used to it more gradually if you can? We did half days up until very recently.
Good luck :-)

I don't know why anyone advocates the sneaking away thing. What message does that give to a child? Turn around and mummy will be gone, with no warning? How on edge would that make an adult let alone a child?

My son has been to two childminders and two nurseries and he's only 2. (We've moved a lot). Never had any difficulties settling. I have never snuck off, always told him where I'm going, said a goodbye, given a kiss and a cuddle and told him I'll be back later. Even when he's been distracted by something I've waited and made sure he's heard me say bye (and as he's got older, said bye to me too). Sometimes he asks for a second kiss and cuddle and I give him it.

Some young and inexperienced nursery workers have tried to encourage the sneaking off approach and I've said no, and made sure he has acknowledged that I'm leaving. I find if he is having a rare moment of upset as we separate they are even keener that I sneak off -I never do, on these occasions I start him with a toy myself and ask the worker to join in and say a clear "bye bye" myself when he's settling down.

I have also given a clear schedule to each caregiver along with special comforting items and "hints and tips" for things he likes. Have found everyone happy to accomodate his routine. (But I suppose he isn't a particularly fussy boy, so it's not exactly the most rigid or detailed routine).

I don't think that sneaking off or not makes such a big difference tbh. I've tried both and my DS was crying lots regardless of whether I said bye bye properly or I sneaked out.

No advice but fingers crossed for you tomorrow.

My DS has just turned 13 months OP and I leave him in the creche one morning per week. Its very hard because by the next session he's forgotten and is all anxious again. His crying is heck of a lot worse when its nap time and he HAS to sleep. I think its quite unfair keeping them awake deliberately at this age, it makes them cranky and more irritable.

I have noticed he is a lot worse when I say bye and he sees me leave. So am sticking to the sneaking out routine for now unfortunately. I think if he was a bit older, say nearly two he would have a greater understanding when telling him I am coming back, but at this age I'm not sure if they truly 'get it'.

Best of luck OP, its hard but perservere it will get easier.See if your ds having his naps helps his mood a little. Fwiw mine naps in his buggy whilst there.

Thank you all. Just dropped him off. Awful traffic between my place and the crèche so when it's good/dry weather I will try to walk him up in the sling so he gets cuddles with me beforehand (crèche too small to store buggies).

He cried when I gave him over to his key worker and tried to climb out her arms back to me. I gave him his dog and he clung to it for dear life. The girl had a quick chat with me, very reassuring, she said she could tell how shocked and upset I was yesterday but it was all normal. I gave him a cheery kiss goodbye and then left, she walked off to take him to play with the others as I did it so he didn't see me leave.

I realised I forgot his hat so I went back to put it in his bag (in the hallway, didn't go back in the room) and I could hear him crying

It was normal crying at least, not the shuddering hysterical crying at least. Will give them a ring in an hour and see how he is. Am picking him up at 2.30, they have cuddles and warm milk at 2pm which should make him happy.

Ok update: things went much better today. When I phoned 90 mins after dropping him off, they said he stopped crying 5 mins after I left and was totally fine.

When I picked him up at 2.30 he was sitting on the knee of key worker watching the other little ones play. He cried a bit when he saw me - but nothing like yesterday - and stopped crying when I picked him up. He ate all the food but only slept 35mins the whole time he was there. They said he was much better today. I think having his dog there really helped.

He also took 6oz of milk off his key worker which is amazing given he's refused to take a bottle off anyone except me (including DH) since he was 12 weeks old!

I wouldn't say he was bouncing around with delight but he wasn't unhappy IYSWIM.

Early days yet but at least I feel I can go to work on Monday... I hope he continues to improve and we don't have any more days like yesterday

I'm pleased you and he had a better day today. It will take time but hopefully he will settle soon, especially if you go about leaving him the way you do, i.e. no sneaking away and being bright and confident yourself.

Have you thought about getting a spare, exact copy, of your son's dog. It would mean you could keep it in his nursery bag and there would be less chance of it being forgotten. Also a spare is great if the original gets lost.

That's great, DS still cries when I collect sometimes 1 year later! They get all emotional because they've missed you but in a good way as soon as I take him he's fine. Sounds like he's starting to settle

That's great, as well as it could go really. My DS was much harder to settle in and I felt awful, like he had to learn already and for the first time what it means to feel loss
Hope things continue to improve OP

deadhamster yes we already have 2 of the dog for that reason!! It is from Ikea so I am tempted to go and buy a third that will live in his crèche bag...!

No idea what next week will bring when he has longer days. I know we are likely to have more very upset days but I hope, really hope, he had a nice time today (there were only 4 other little ones there so he got lots of attention from the 2 staff) and he is starting to think of it as a friendly place.

I will remind them to use his sleepsack and that will hopefully help him nap for longer there.

If he cries a bit at drop off and pickup that is ok! I just don't want him to be upset the whole time. Poor DH was having nightmares last night because of DS being so upset yesterday!

An update from me, Yesterday I picked up my baby from nursery, week five (3 days a week) and I heard her squealing with delight from the reception, she was having a great time.

This from a little girl that I had never seen so distraught only two weeks ago on drop off. My tip is take the bedding off the bed to use, as it will smell of home and nursery, I was recommended this by nursery nurse to do this rather keep separate bedding for nursery. Also in our nursery sleep times mirror those at home. Good luck op, you sound like a lovely Mummy.

Thanks pigsmummy and that is WONDERFUL to hear about your DD! Fab! I really hope we have the same with DS in a few weeks.

They don't have bedding on the floor mats they use for their naps, so I might just take to rotating his dog between the one that is at home and the one that is at nursery, so they smell the same, and even having it in my bed at night so it smells like me!

We discovered that he has learnt a new skill at nursery already! He started clapping his hands together for the first time ever yesterday evening, and did it a lot today! DH and I were amazed as we've tried to get him to do it before with no success. They do a welcome/hello and clapping song every day in the morning so I guess he learnt it there....!!

I am so pleased things are not so traumatic for you both. It does get easier, honestly

Most children settle before long so the chances are he will be fine. But I disagree with the advice from the crèche about sneaking away. I also think a really good childcare provider is 'child led' : ie they follow the child's needs regarding naps Etc rather than imposing a one size fits all routine.

Also remember that around a year is probably the hardest time to start leaving a child as separation anxiety peaks then. Younger and they'd probably be fine; older and they'd probably be fine. I know that's not much help for you right now, but it may help you to understand why it seems so extreme for him.

Definitely agree janey - I did a proper goodbye to him this morning, not going to just hand him over. Got everything organised and laid out, I got up before him to shower, bags packed etc last night so we had a nice cuddly morning with lots of play beforehand. Some tears this morning as he realised what was happening but he calmed down before I even left the room and the staff member was giving him a lovely cuddle.

We definitely would have preferred him to start crèche at 18 months + but I stretched out leave and remote working to the max I could. Bah. I should move to Sweden to have the next one....

As regards sneaking off - a 12 month has no notion of time so whether or not you say see you later or sneak off the only thing that registers is Mummy isn't there when I want them! If the staff are caring (which from Op it sounds as though they are) they will settle once it becomes their routine