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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to think that the dumped commitaphobe who marries the next one makes a shit husband?

24 replies

Bogeyface · 09/10/2013 23:57

Inspired by some recent threads and some on going themes.

I have been thinking about this today and have a theory.

Man is with woman for 10 years. She wants marriage/babies/home ownership, basically that they commit to a life together in a tangible way. He puts it off with "After the holiday/Xmas/my job settles down/my parents retire/I get a new car" and eventually she realises she is on a hiding to nothing and dumps him. Then she is heartbroken to find that 2 years down the line he is married with a baby on the way, happy to do with his new partner all the things he wouldnt do with her and she feels that she is somehow not good enough.

Many will say "Sorry, he just wasnt that in to you" or "He was marking time, selfish git" But is it that?

Is it actually that he was happy with the status quo with the first woman and upon being dumped realised that the best way to get his cock sucked and his socks washed without her buggering off is to do the marriage/babies thing to keep her quiet? So he marries the next woman unfortunate enough to shack up with him. Then the wife is posting on MN that he is down the pub every night, holidaying with his mates, not helping with the baby, not talking to her, refusing to help with the house etc etc etc.

AIBU to think that a lot of the "we split because he wouldnt commit and now he is marrying someone else" and the "he is a lazy selfish git who only thinks of himself" are actually the same men?

OP posts:

cantspel · 10/10/2013 00:00

wow you have some warped view of men

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/10/2013 00:02

Yes yabu.

I presume you are one of the women who has found their commitment phobic ex has married the next girlfriend.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2013 00:03

It's quite possible that some are the same men - yes.

But men, just like women, are individual people and some are just not cut out to be husbands/wives/parents.

There can sometimes be other added pressure to get married/have kids by family, friends and just basically getting older too.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:09

I am neither warped nor the ex GF!

I was just thinking that there have been a lot of posts lately about both subjects and I was thinking that maybe there is a connection. I know some wonderful husbands and some wonderful serial monogamists (I think they are called) who dont want marriage and babies. But I have also known a couple of people who did exactly this, had relationships end due to lack of commitment and then headed straight into awful marriages. One was a woman and a good friend and her poor husband thought he had won the big prize only to find that he had married someone who wasnt that into him :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:10

I am not a man hater, just musing!

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/10/2013 00:11

That's sad op, for your friend.

I think some people are like that but I don't think everyone with a shit spouse has necessarily married one who have previously commitment phobic. Nor do I think all commitment phobes are incapable of having a change of heart.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/10/2013 00:12

God I should go to bed, my ability to construct a sent next dies a death after 10pm

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2013 00:13

My ex is the opposite of a commitaphobe

I was his second wife and he's marrying wife number 5 tomorrow (I shit you not!)

Some people just aren't cut out for it.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2013 00:14

Arf @ 'sent next'

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/10/2013 00:16

Fucks sake

cantspel · 10/10/2013 00:17

Have you ever thought that maybe the commitment phob was a commitment phob because he had a nagging doubt at the back of his mind that the relationship was not going to last the test of time and they were together more out of habit than a true commitment?

And when the first relationship finishes for whatever reason he or she then does met someone they feel completely differently about?

Original poster

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:17

:o at Sent next too!

Wow Worra that is the epitomy of hope over experience isnt it?!

I dont think that EVERY crap spouse is a previous commitaphobe, but surely some of them must be?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bogeyface · 10/10/2013 00:19

Cantspel of course, yes. I was just musing if there was a connection between some of them. I kind of hoped I would be proved right so that then a single woman can ask "how long were you with your ex?" "12 years? Thats a long time, why did you break up?" "So she wanted marriage and babies and you werent ready? At 35? After 12 years?....ok, see ya!" :o

OP posts:

cantspel · 10/10/2013 00:25

some people who rush into a relationship after a long term one has failed will be on the rebound so never a good basic to start a marriage on.

LessMissAbs · 10/10/2013 00:27

Yes, I think in some cases it happens thus. And then there are of course others who simply realise they are ageing, and turn into pathetic bores to hang onto whatever woman they can get once dumped by the first ltr.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 10/10/2013 00:35

My ex is like Worra's I was wife #2, he's now on wife #5. He's had quite a few broken engagements between marriages too.

Bogey FWIW, I know a few people who fit your theory. Not sure if they are typical, but it does happen.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2013 00:58

I know a few people who fit the theory too but they're not all men.

I've known some women who wouldn't commit because they didn't want children 'interfering' in their careers.

Then they got to a certain age and decided they wanted kids before it was 'too late' in their eyes.

But that was all they really wanted and the men were dumped within a couple of years.

Mimishimi · 10/10/2013 05:43

YABU,think he has probably just met someone who he does feel he wants to commit to.

CoffeeTea103 · 10/10/2013 07:20

Yabu, maybe after being with the wrong woman for so long, he does end up with the right woman soon after.

Lazyjaney · 10/10/2013 07:43

In my experience this usually (ie not always) occurs because deep down they don't think you are the "one" they want to have their kids with (this is usually about kids)

It doesn't make them shit people. And it's not just men who do this.

Trills · 10/10/2013 07:50

If we're making up stories, maybe this hypothetical man realised that he did want all of those things (marriage, babies, etc) but the girlfriend wouldn't take him back.

meddie · 10/10/2013 13:43

Ooh worra and Saskia we need to form a club. My ex is also now on wife no5 . Though we think thats on the rocks as he has just remembered he has 2 adult children who he 'wants to rekindle a relationship with'.
That only happens in between wives.

Both have told him to fuck off to the other side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 10/10/2013 15:21

Meddie if we invite all the ex wives to join we'd need a massive venue for meetings - that's assuming it isn't the man.

Dahlen · 10/10/2013 15:29

I don't think it's true in all cases but I think it probably is in many. We're fond of saying people don't change, and many don't, but it's probably truer to say that people behave in patterns, many of which follow a predicable path of which this is one.

Flip