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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell my child off

22 replies

RogueRebel · 09/10/2013 18:09

My DD4 was misbehaving on the bus just before our stop. As we were getting off I grabbed her hand and walked her off with my other DD2 and a folded buggy.
While waiting on the bus stop for another bus I told my DD off quietly but it was clear she was in trouble, and as punishment told her to sit in the buggy. She carried on trying to push boundaries by getting leaves off the floor. I told her no, she was on a time out.
I then get snide comments from 4 OAP's and a boy who looked 16.

I was told I should let the punishment go with the bus and I was horrible. I explained very politely that she was naughty to an extent it was dangerous on the bus and that was the reason I wouldn't be letting it go.
I then got eye rolling and huffy remarks under breath.
DD decided this was amusing seeing mum being told off and let rip I told her to sit back in the buggy and took her hand to bring her back. The boy started again.

So was I being unreasonable? I spoke quietly, didn't shout didn't touch her other than to take her hand and didn't swear.

OP posts:

Squitten · 09/10/2013 18:12

YWBU to enter into a discussion about it at all. A simple "mind your own bloody business" would have been enough. You don't owe anyone an explanation, least of all a teenager!

overmydeadbody · 09/10/2013 18:17

Depends what she did and what you were saying to her.

And how old is she? You don't mention her age.

You told her off, if you weren't violent or aggressive or swearing others shouldn't have commented.

But I would think it would take a lot for a 16 year old to comment. What were you saying?

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 18:17

I'm baffled as to why 5 people would intervene if you were speaking quietly and didn't swear or touch her.

TEErickOrTEEreat · 09/10/2013 18:21

Didn't happen.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 09/10/2013 18:27

Maybe you were a little more forceful than you thought with either your words or actions if 5 people mentioned it.

We are all being told to speak out about the way children are treated now, it's shit if you are on the receiving end and people are seeing a 5 minute glimpse of a tantrum and saying something to you, but personally I would rather that than a child who is genuinely being mistreated be ignored by passers by.

Tuonz · 09/10/2013 18:53

Why would they do that, it's a beard scratcher. Maybe they were trying to gets reaction out of you.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/10/2013 19:12

This is very surprising. What did you say/do?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/10/2013 19:13

This is very surprising. What did you say/do?

HotCrossPun · 09/10/2013 19:23

You need to give more detail.

I've only seen people comment on a strangers parenting once, I don't think it's the norm.

What age is your DD? What did you say to her? How did they hear you if you were speaking quietly?

kali110 · 09/10/2013 19:41

Yanbu! People should mind their own business

pixiepotter · 09/10/2013 22:14

If it had been one or even 2 people I would have said YWNBU.But for 5 to be making comments, and one of them a yound boy, it does sound as though something was amiss

Original poster

RogueRebel · 09/10/2013 22:36

They commented because I wouldn't let her have a leaf. Their main comment was the punishment should have left with the bus. They were upset because I was continuing the time out until she sat there quietly for 4mins as is her age (sorry ages are after DD not number of child)
My argument was actions have consequence and those consequences if she had been hurt while misbehaving on the bus wouldn't of gone away when the bus did.

She is normally very well behaved and has excellent reports from School. But like every child has tantrums now and again. I try to stay consistent with my punishments.
I asked her to sit in the buggy, I got down on her level and explained that what she was doing was dangerous and she didn't listen when I asked her to stop it.
She then did the whole crying hysterically thing but as soon as they questioned me she was laughing and used my distraction to run off and I had to start again with asking her to.sit in the buggy.

I did have a fellow mum comment when we were both getting on another bus, she said I handled it very well.
I actually asked the boy what I was doing wrong and he couldn't answer, I said I'm not smacking her, I'm not shouting, I'm not swearing so I dont understand what is wrong, he fumbled for an answer and couldn't find one.

I understand people should speak up but in this instance their speaking up undermined my authority in front of my child she isnt stupid she understood every word of what they said.

OP posts:

zippey · 09/10/2013 23:16

Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable.

Firstly, its unreasonable to hold timeouts, in general I feel, but certainly in front of strangers. It humiliates the child and makes strangers feel uncomfortable.

Just ignore the bad behaviour and distract.

However you don't need to justify your parenting to strangers.

Although I am not in favour of timeouts, I may change my mind about this as my little one grows up! (she is 2 atm)

kali110 · 10/10/2013 11:49

People can discipline how they see fit, doesnt matter if you dont like timeouts its not your child.
Think you handled it very well op.

NameyMcChanger · 10/10/2013 11:55

All that over a leaf ??

FFS, why oh why could she not have a leaf ??!

NoComet · 10/10/2013 12:09

YANBU
These are no doubt the same people who tut when older and less cute, DCs, especially boys mess about.

DD2 was mega cute when she was little and knew exactly how to wrap people round her little finger.

She was also a little madam, the looks I used to get when we had words in public.

SilverApples · 10/10/2013 12:14

There you go, parent obviously in public, get judged in public.
It's a Reality TV world out there, they were probably matching your strategies against Supernanny.

Goldenbear · 10/10/2013 13:32

Supernanny uses 'Time out', is usually very harsh and completely OTT. If they were referencing her techniques, unlikely that a 16 year old watches this program, they would have applauded you.

Perhaps none of them thought your approach was well thought out, considering her age?

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2013 13:36

Try as I might, I still can't get over 5 members of the general public commenting on the OP's treatment of her child.

Rosencrantz · 10/10/2013 13:37

Was she screaming horrifically in public?

People get very uncomfortable around screaming children. If you were the one causing the screaming (with your punishment) and if you easing up, the screaming would have stopped - I can understand why you got the reaction you did.

If your DD wasn't bothering anyone, I'm stumped for an explanation.

cestlavielife · 10/10/2013 14:35

you shouldn tengage with people tutting, it isnt worth it!

you seem focussed on "punishment".... how can time out work if you already moved her from the scene of the crime and you out in public? time out = time out in solitude right?
you just cant do that in the street as you have to be with your child.

"what you did on the bus when you [ insert what she did] was naughty and dangerous,. you need to sit in the buggy " - ok fair enough; was she explicitly told this meant no leaf picking? (cant see why picing a leaf is a problem really)

time out can be misused...

and misunderstood.

www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/time-out/why-time-out-is-out/

also - have you tried positive reinforcement and sessiosn where you teacc and tell her what is expected on a bus, and offered incentive/reinforcement for correct behaviour? does she know what is expected behaviour on a bus ? was she ok on next bus and did you praise her?

emuloc · 10/10/2013 15:02

It is odd that 5 different people said something to you. Were the people on the other bus with you? If not why did they say to let the punishment go with the bus?

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