To think that I am just a natural worrier, and DH should accept that?

[ziggiestardust]

We are going through a difficult time at the moment, DH and I are both leaving the armed forces to start afresh. There is plenty of work in our sector, although to start with we are both going to contract (self employed) to get the lay of the land (many permanent jobs arise from contracting in our line of work).

We are leaving about 6 months apart, so there will be a constant wage coming in, and we are in married quarters until I leave next summer; so there is no danger of no roof over our heads.

DH will probably get a rent a little flat where he contracts for a while (Home Counties) so we can see one another on weekends, and I can wrap things up here with DS' nursery and whatnot.

DH is constantly telling me that I'm worrying over every little thing, and it's annoying him and it's like I don't have confidence in him. I do have confidence in him, that's not the issue.

I think it's perfectly alright to be a tad fucking stressed about starting a whole new life somewhere else, and to think over every possibility so we're not caught out. Prepare for every eventuality and all that.

I'm not trying to stress him out, I'm just trying to be prepared and ready for anything that comes our way. If I want to raise an issue with him, I'm getting a little bit tired of him saying 'oh stop worrying, it'll all be fine', because you know what? It's a big bad world out there! We might not be 'just fine and dandy'.

I feel like he's not taking it seriously. I feel like I'm naturally stressed about what is a stressful situation, and I'm supposedly being unreasonable! I'm not! I'm being bloody responsible! AIBU?

Sorry, I am like your DH.

lljkk I do understand that he's just one of these people who just is happy go lucky, and constantly seems to fall on his feet. It's just the way it is. But I find his attitude of 'oh it'll be fiiiiiine', quite annoying in this situation. I feel like he doesn't have time for what I'm saying.

Is he making good plans for how to pay the bills and move on with the new life?

Yep, people should accept eachothers quirks and differences in character. Often they do at the start of a relationship and them after a few years together they are the very things that start to grate

I am more of a planner than DH. However, I don't share all of my worries and plans with him. I sort out what I want to get sorted out and put contingencies in place and then I might inform him that I have done that. If you are running over a list of worries with your DH all the time then its going to start to grate with him. Put in place the solutions you genuinely need and work out what you would do if things didn't go to plan but only share with him what he needs to know i.e. if he isn't worried about something he probably doesn't need chapter and verse about what you have done to reduce your stress levels.

That way if there are big things that you are really concerned about you can focus his attention on those and because he isn't swamped with all your smaller worries he knows he really needs to take these ones seriously.

Yes, I would say so. I mean, he's paid up until January, and as of the end of next week he's free to look for work. He's had offers already, so that's not the issue. He can also stay with a friend for a couple of weeks whilst he finds a flat up there and gets set up. I agree there's little point in getting a place too early on.

I'm more working on the 'plan b' scenario, like what if something goes wrong, the logistics of actually moving, getting storage etc.

He says I'm second guessing him, and trying to think up ways for us to fail. I'm not. I'm actually not. I just want to be realistic here.

Well, I am more like you, OP.

In your shoes I would:

(a) Prioritise. I doubt he really thinks absolutely no planning is needed; he is probably bored with too much detail and too many separate issues. So the really big issues require your joint commitment to- a risk assessment, a way to monitor if things are going OK, and a Plan B. I wouldn't identify more than two big issues IFWY- getting a job for both of you, and deciding where to live. That's plenty. So: how long will you try to implement Plan A for; what is Plan B if Plan A flops? is all you need to dsicuss with him.

(b) Deal with it myself. For the little things, do your own planning etc if it helps. Dont share it with him. If you need to access your Plan B then do so, and say that you are sure he is happy with this Plan B, isn't he?

(c) Lose the commitment to not being caught out and planning for every eventuality. You can't. You will only suffer five times for every one thing that actually happens; sods law says it will in any case be something you never thought of. What you can do, is plan for resilience. What can you do to cover risk of financial loss? (borrowings? family help?) what can you do to cover risk of nowhere nice to live? (family again?) what can you do to cover DC being unsettled? (stay at home a bit longer) in general terms. not line by line scenarios.

There is no question that he will not find work. He has said that if the worst comes the worst, he will work in another country, and if then that I cannot find work (so like every aircraft in the entire country vanishes overnight), then I will just stay at home with DS, take him out of nursery and bide my time. That is the option if there are no jobs, at all, in this entire country.

We will have around £5k in savings by the point I leave (we will have had to pay a deposit on a flat, buy a second car and insure it etc, and pay removal costs and possibly storage). No debt to speak of, could probably borrow from family/friends and 2 blank credit cards; which I do not intend to rack up, but if needs must and all that...

That is our absolute fall back plan. And tbh, working outside the uk is far more lucrative, so we probably wouldn't have to dip into savings/borrow. It would probably just be a question of me finding a pt job, or being a SAHM for a while and sitting tight.

DH can go thru very negative spells and it is very draining. So that's how I come to this.
I think planning for the worst is understandable but make sure it doesn't take over your whole attitude about the change.

Sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith because planning for failure is so complicated and hard to get right anyway (if too many variables). I think that might be where your DH is coming from.

Good. So the big stuff is sorted.

In which case I would keep the smaller stuff to yourself, or share with someone else.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best. You have a plan, and a contingency plan. Stop going on at him.

I am a natural worrier. I don't know how to change that. Maybe I should work on it, I don't know.

I understand you can't plan for everything, but I'm frightened to death of taking this leap of faith. And that's what it is. We can't stay in the forces anymore, we don't want to; it isn't suitable for a family. DH deserves to see DS every night, he is a wonderful father and an excellent husband.

DH and I are like this. I am actually quite a calm person but he's so laid back that I seem stressed in comparison.

I don't like the unknown so would do what you are doing - it makes me feel more in control. In this situation, I would plan for everything I could on paper, and not involve him until something happened that needed sorting. I would unload my stress on friends and family.

If he's anything like DH, if the worst does happen, he and you will deal with it together.

It's just a different approach. He needs to be a bit more tolerant of the way you are - I hate it when DH makes me feel like a stress-head when I'm really not - and you need to (grudgingly) realise that your DH's approach works quite well.

eye yes. You're right there. Perhaps a bit more give and take.

I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable here; at least, I don't feel like I'm as bad as he's making out. I think this is a stressful situation and I am reacting to it. I understand from his pov, it's probably annoying having someone going 'but what about...?' But I'm not getting at him personally. It isn't a personal attack. It really, really isn't. But if someone doesn't think about these things, who will?

I also agree that I should chat to my friends more. I'm going for a glass of wine to a friend's house tonight actually. We will chat then, she is terribly organised.

You can think about them, you can put things in place as safety nets if you need to but you don't need to keep sharing your worries with him.

Also he may well have also thought about these issues but is satisfied that there will be fallback options that can be sorted out quickly if needed.

I'm one of those people who loves doing things spontaneously provided of course I have plenty of notice .

My dh likes to have complex plans in case of all sorts of things. He now knows that I don't need to know these - he's free to sort things out in his head all he likes though. I just need to talk about things as they occur.

This isn't a leap of faith- thats when you both resign and move somewhere completely new with no guaranteed jobs. You sound like you have all the big things sorted - moving and storage is dead easy and can be arranged at a weeks notice

Chaz yes, if I discuss with him ONE TIME a fallback plan, like the rock bottom plan; he'll take it as planned, box ticked and move on. Anything over and above that is a bonus, as far as he's concerned I think.

ziggie, yes, you ought to work on it a bit . Learn to worry constructively and in moderation. Have you read "Manage your Mind"? its very good on this.

In the short term, I think you hit the nail on the head when you say you just need to talk it through with someone. Good- but pick a patient and cheerful friend who is not personally involved.