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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

How do you cope?

25 replies

fluffyduckie · 07/10/2013 20:21

How do you cope when someone you love is dying?

How do you stay strong so you don't let them down when they need you the most?

How do you handle not knowing if this is the last month or last week or last day?

How do you deal with seeing Halloween stuff and Christmas stuff everywhere and not knowing if they will make it?

How do you stop yourself crying all the time so they don't see your red eyes?

How do you cope when there is a person that you would do anything for and yet know that you are utterly powerless to save them?

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 07/10/2013 20:23

I'm so sorry.

I don't know. I am sure someone who has been through what you are going through will be along with some good advice.

I think it is ok to cry though and not to always be strong.

I hope you have someone in your life you can talk to.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 07/10/2013 20:27

I'm sorry :( I have no idea how to answer your questions, but I would say that it's really important that you have some rl support

daisydotandgertie · 07/10/2013 20:28

You deal with each minute at a time. Don't think beyond the now.

Make sure each day is as happy as it possibly could be and that you can't regret anything you did or didn't do. Do only what your gut tells you is the right thing.

And make sure you go somewhere else to weep.

That's how I coped and am coping now he's gone.

puntasticusername · 07/10/2013 20:30

So sorry, fluffyduckie

flipchart · 07/10/2013 20:30

I am so sorry.

I have been through something similar and my heart told me she may make it to Christmas but my head knew she wouldn't.
She died on Bank Holiday Monday in August.

I had/have loads of things left to say and was looking forward to chatting about.
I am sad for you x
Stay as strong as you can

havatry · 07/10/2013 20:31

I don't think you do really cope. You just do the best you can.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

Mogz · 07/10/2013 20:33

You take it minute by minute, step by step. You cry your eyes out if you need it, you laugh and smile if you need it and you never feel guilty about feeling how you do because it is a hard process you're going through. You take the time to make new wonderful memories and you take the time to remember the wonderful things you've already shared. You talk about anything and everything and honestly. You make sure you have somewhere to go to let it all out, whether its a family member, good friend or your GP, you need support and you need to let people support you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's so hard [thans]

stargirl1701 · 07/10/2013 20:35

Just stay in the moment, in the right now. That person isn't going to die in the next minute so the next minute is ok.

Crazy4U · 07/10/2013 20:37

Take each day as it comes. Make every moment special. Create happy memories (and write them down so in years to come you can look back and remember there were good times). Talk to friends. Hug & kiss every day.

Turniptwirl · 07/10/2013 20:39

nobody copes, not really. Sorry you're going through this .

Finola1step · 07/10/2013 20:39

Hi Fluffy. I'm so sorry that you are going through such a painful time. I lost my dad in April and my lovely MIL is now very unwell. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Sometimes even just one hour at a time. Find comfort in the little things and avoid thinking about the big decisions.

It might be best to move this to Relationships as you will get lots of support there. Do not try to do everything yourself. Lean on others when you can. You are only human. I promise you that you will find the strength when you need it. I really do promise you that.

We are here to hand hold and support. Keep posting. You can PM me if you want at anytime. I will listen. No one can ever know exactly what you are feeling but many of us can come quite close. I wish you a peaceful evening and night.

AandAmom · 07/10/2013 20:44

I am so sorry for your pain x x

Make sure you cherish every moment, laugh when you can and tell your loved one how much you love them. Never be sorry to cry (even in front of them, they may need a release too), try not to judge people who don't know how to approach you and take a break when you can.

12 years after my beautiful sister died the pain still hurts terribly at times but the memories of the last few weeks we shared laughing, crying and talking more than we had "had the time too" in years gives me a great deal of comfort x x

Original poster

fluffyduckie · 07/10/2013 20:48

I am just so scared that I let everyone down. In all the past illnesses and hospitalisations I have been the one to hold it together, the one that people vent to, and the one that keeps going. They need my to fulfil that role and I just need to hold it together.

It hurts so much and I can't stop crying but I know that I need to stop being selfish and pull myself together.

It is just that normal life continues - I have to go to work and to the shops and talk to people.

I just feel like bits of me are dropping off a shard at a time and I am scrambling to pick them all back up but can't.

OP posts:

ChoudeBruxelles · 07/10/2013 20:50

It's so hard when someone is dying. Do you have people to talk to/people to look after you?

ChoudeBruxelles · 07/10/2013 20:50

Have you been to your gp?

Shellywelly1973 · 07/10/2013 20:50

My mil died 3 weeks ago. She was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer that hsd spread to her brain & liver, only 7 weeks before she died. She initially was given 4/5 months to live.

Im expecting a baby in January.

I only cried once in front of her. I bit my tongue or distracted myself so as not to cry in front of her. I directed my emotions at the god awful & incompetent hcp's we were forced to deal with. I constantly told myself ti stop being selfish, it wasn't about me, it was about mil, dp & our dc.

Im crying typing this out... The funeral was last week. The house has been cleared. Finances are almost sorted so there's not much to do now to keep me busy.

I didn't just lose my mil. I lost the only form of practical help I had. I lost my friend. I lost someone I love who I cared for, for the last 3 years. I lost a large part of my daily life. I lost the closest thing I had to a mum.

You'll be strong for that person because you love them. You will keep it together because its not about you. You'll do what you need to do so their last months & weeks are filled with as much laughter & joy as possible.

Make the most of the time you have with your loved one. Look after yourself, its a long road.

Take care if yourself...

maddy68 · 07/10/2013 20:52

You just do
And you know what? It's ok if they see your red eyes once in a while.
Just put one step in front of the other xxxx

Shellywelly1973 · 07/10/2013 20:52

Of not if!

zower · 07/10/2013 21:17

sorry but i think its v. insensitive and unfair to post this thread without giving a clue in the title re. the subject. its very triggering for some people.

maddy68 · 07/10/2013 21:25

Well how supportive?

Clearly the op is in distress. Give her a break

Sirzy · 07/10/2013 21:29

You don't need to hold it together, don't try to hide your emotions. Talk, laugh, cry together with the person who is ill and other friends and relatives. Make the most of any support network you have.

Don't try to plan ahead, live in the moment. If you are able to plan some nice things together then do.

Talk to medical professionals, ask questions and take help on offer.

Nusatenggara · 07/10/2013 21:30

zower don't be so insensitive yourself! The OP is clearly very upset, cut her a bit of slack.

gordyslovesheep · 07/10/2013 21:32

oh OP I have no idea :( xxxxx

do you have anyone you can talk to - my friend finds the Macmillan nurse very supportive x

Nusatenggara · 07/10/2013 21:33

When my mum died I couldn't understand how other people could push their trolley around the supermarket, I would just stand staring at stuff because I could barely function. My head was so utterly full of her dying and everything else just seemed miles away. I used to cry a lot in lay-bys after driving away that kind of thing.

It is so bloody hard and I feel so for you, ultimately I don't think there is much you can do to hold yourself together. Do you have RL support? I had to go on AD's for a few months afterwards as just couldn't lift myself out of the awful inertia and sadness I felt.

Hugs for you xx

BigW · 07/10/2013 21:43

I am so sorry for you Fluffy. I think that the horrible truth is that you never feel like you're coping, but somehow you will muddle through.

Be kind to yourself. Cry if you need to. Take support where you can get it and don't put pressure on yourself.Cherish the time you have left together and just take each day at a time.

to you and to Shelly and Aand and everyone else who has been through something like this.

Flip