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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to stop being a BF peer supporter because of one child/mother

29 replies

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 16:46

I'm on maternity leave and was looking forward to resuming my role as a breastfeeding peer supporter helping to run a breastfeeding support group.

But I feel I can't as there is one mother there with a toddler a few months older than my DD, who ALWAYS, pushes/shoves/steals toys etc of my DD and leaves my DD crying frequently during the time we are there.

Now I appreciated that toddlers do this, but my issue is that the mother just ignores her toddler, or at best forces her to apologise without actually telling her off at all.

In my opinion making a toddler say "sorry" is meaningless as it means nothing to them, unless you have ALSO expressed your displeasure at their behaviour.

So I end up spending every session monitoring this child to make sure she doesn't get too close to my daughter, so I'm being a pretty poor peer supporter.

(This mother is there with her own baby daughter, and brings her toddler along as well)

So I feel I must give up. AIBU?

OP posts:

OvaryAction · 07/10/2013 17:01

I'd still do it,

if her DD pushes yours just say in a really shocked voice "x! please don't push y! it's not kind to push other people"

CrohnicallyLurking · 07/10/2013 17:04

I think someone needs to have a quiet word with her to be honest. What if other mums are also put off by her toddler's behaviour? If none of you feel able, does a health visitor or similar visit your group and could give some advice?

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:04

Ovary I've been doing that for the last couple of sessions - the mum just glances over and that's it - she's really not interested!

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 07/10/2013 17:05

YABVU

If the child is upsetting your daughter which requires you to deal with and thus stops you doing your job, then this mother should go, not the BF supporter! The whole group shouldn't lose a valued and valuable resource because of one crap/ineffective parent.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2013 17:06

If you're running the group, I think you need to take control and be a bit more assertive.

Do you know anyone who might volunteer to help referee keep the kids occupied?

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:06

I haven't spoken about it to the other peer supporters or the BF counsellor as I think it's just my daughter that this child targets. I may be wrong about this however...

OP posts:

OvaryAction · 07/10/2013 17:07

When nobody's looking give the child a very stern look when she is unkind to your DD, she'll soon stop bothering her.

I have perfected mine at soft plays, it's similar to this

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:08

We are supposed to have a rota where one peer supporter manages the toddlers - but we never have enough for that!

OP posts:

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:10

Ovary Oh yes, done that as well! I've given her my very best teacher glare - even made her cry once just by "looking" at her, but it doesn't stop her....

I suppose I'm being a bit reticent in telling this child off as the mother is right there! It's not my place to manage someone's child's behaviour if they are less than 10 feet away surely?

OP posts:

VikingLady · 07/10/2013 17:11

I had a similar problem as a peer supporter and the only way it was resolved in the end was to explain the situation to the peer support coordinator. She's responsible for making sure you can work as a volunteer, and she'll talk to the person in overall charge of the group. Guaranteed you aren't the only person with a problem with this particular mum/child!

In my case, further investigation (by the boss, not me) revealed the mum had a lot of issues and she's receiving one to one support from SureStart, so everyone's happy!

StuckOnARollercoaster · 07/10/2013 17:15

I would try to have a word with her - reasoning being that there's nothing to lose because you will stop anyway as it makes you unhappy.
If you can't do that or get a bad response from her can you look for an alternative group/sessions/ helpline work/1-2-1 sessions. The work you do and your knowledge is so valuable. Breastfeeding is so much harder than I could have imagined and I will always be grateful from the different people and groups that helped me (bf midwife, local authority support group, NCT shoreline, la leche group mums and sure start centre)

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:17

Viking Hmm, yes that would be the logical and grown up thing to do! I'll go along this week and have a chat with the leader... it would be a shame just to have to give it up just because of one poorly managed child.

OP posts:

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits · 07/10/2013 17:18

Blanking bad behaviour is imho one of the shittest 'general' parenting things you can do I'd speak to the team, I'm sure that they will have noticed this families behaviour and be supportive in keeping you on board. Hopefully whilst educating the mother on how to control her beastly child.

I left a playgroup when dd1 was younger because of 2 cousins who went, evil little blighters still are now their nanna never told them off and they were a year older than my dd.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 07/10/2013 17:26

Perhaps ask the group leader to ban the woman? Or just tell her outright that she needs to supervise her child adequately etc.

zatyaballerina · 07/10/2013 17:41

Tell the mother to supervise her child or stay away. Also, if a parent is ignoring bad behaviour toward your child, tell them off sternly, if the parent has a problem with that, tell them if they were doing their job you wouldn't have to.

usualsuspect · 07/10/2013 17:45

We are talking about a toddler here.

Beastly child?

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits · 07/10/2013 17:48

Bit strong I really dislike uncontrolled children may also have been projecting I take it back.

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:48

I suppose because it is fairly low level stuff - shoving and stealing toys - not outright hitting - that's why I've not been as assertive as I could be, and feel a bit loathe to raise the issue as I think I might be a bit PFB. But she makes my DD cry several times each and every session, and I can't continue as it is.

So - IWBU to leave without saying anything, so I'll raise the issue with the group leader this week and see if they feel they can do anything. If they can't (as the mum is there for support), then I'll just have to leave until I know she is no longer returning...

I'm nothing special at the group - just another volunteer, even if we are short of people who can turn up every week...

OP posts:

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:50

Supermans I hate to admit it but I think of this child as "a little thug", or a bully in the making - and I know that's a horrible thing to think of any child :(

But when they consistently target your own pfb to make them cry.....

OP posts:

Original poster

FrogsGoWhat · 07/10/2013 17:51

Will be back later - dinner/bath/bedtime calls!

OP posts:

NomDeClavier · 07/10/2013 17:56

I think YWBU to give up but YANBU to feel like you do. You need to bring it up with whoever is in charge of the group because you need to be able to do what you've been trained to, not keep this child away from your DD. it needs to come from someone this mother will respond to. She may not realise how disruptive her toddler's behaviour is for you.

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits · 07/10/2013 18:10

It is not pfb to want your dd happy where you are volunteering, you see yourself you don't want to go because of her being unhappy there. it is awful seeing someone even a wee toddler pick on your child. Boundaries in social environments are so important at their ages.

My friends dc is a wee bully, drives me up the wall annoying ds - who won't lie down and take it - so much I try to make sure they visit in the evening once their dc are in bed.

Ds is high maintenance but when we go visiting I am on him even when the other person does the polite your ds is crazy get out of my house 'it's fine'.

Hissy · 07/10/2013 18:48

Tackle the mother!

Tell her that you've put up with this for long enough, that this is a BF group for mums and babies and if she won't ensure her DD doesn't bully/upset/antagonise other children, then you'll ask her to not bring the toddler.

Tell her that you ARE volunteering to aid mums BF, but you're not prepared to have your own child suffer due to the inability of ONE mother to supervise and disciple her toddler. Tell her that you're not leaving, but if she feels strongly enough to allow things to continue as they are, that there are other BF groups out there..

Hissy · 07/10/2013 18:48

Disipline, not disciple! :)

VikingLady · 07/10/2013 18:52

It's not just your child though. If you stop going, the child will still be uncontrolled - they'll just upset different children. Parents stop wanting to go to the group...

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