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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExP's 'friend' and the DC's

19 replies

Outofyourmouth · 07/10/2013 13:59

ExP met a girl earlier this year and they were very full on from the word go, pictures of them together all over his flat, lots of her personal belongings there etc. all within a month of meeting. I texed to ask if he could tone it down when our dc were with him as it was upsetting dd1 to the point that she refused to go there to see him. Cue the girl reading my text on his phone and sending me a barage of abuse calling me all sorts of vile things, the cruxt being I was a jealous old hag who was a bad mother and to leave them both alone.

I showed him the messages and he tells me he's finished with her Hmm and was duely apologetic that I was treated that way. However, a month later he has a scratch on his face where the girl, who he is obviously still seeing, has attacked him after going through his phone again and finding a message he sent to a female friend, that she considers evidence he is having an affair. She also sent a load of abusive text to this poor friend. ExP finishes with her again, changes the locks as she won't give her key back, and endures a few weeks of abuse via email and text from her.

This weekend he tells me he is still friends with her Shock and it sounds like he wants to re-start the relationship. I have told him in no uncertain terms that she is to be kept away from our DC's as I think she is abusive and unpredictable. He is saying she has changed and I am over reacting.

Am I being unreasonable or is he minimising her behaviour? I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCorpse · 07/10/2013 14:01

Yadnbu. She sounds unhinged.

YouTheCat · 07/10/2013 14:06

Your children deserve his undivided attention.

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 14:09

I would be warning him that you have seen the scratches, any other incidents and you will be reporting it to police and ss and withdrawing contact if he is exposing them to an abusive relationship. see what he does

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 14:10

and keep the message saying 'she has changed' as that is him admitting that she did do it and was abusive in case you need evidence later on!

Original poster
Outofyourmouth · 07/10/2013 14:10

I know, YouTheCat, but part of the reason we split was because everything in his life came before me and the children, so I doubt that is going to change.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 07/10/2013 14:14

If he wants to have a relationship with an abusive cow that's up to him. All you can do is tell him (as you have) that you don't want her around the kids as they find it upsetting.

Is contact court ordered or not?

Original poster
Outofyourmouth · 07/10/2013 14:17

I have kept some of the abuse she sent me in case I had to go to the police, and shown it to others, however he told me in person that she has changed, so I have no written record of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outofyourmouth · 07/10/2013 14:18

No, contact is not court ordered, we have kept things amicable, but I can see things will have to change if he persues this relationship.

OP posts:
Mojavewonderer · 07/10/2013 14:38

My ex started seeing this weirdo who reckoned they were destined to be together even though he was still trying to get me back after I dumped him.
She sent me messages saying he was with her now and they were having sex, which was really odd because he was sat with me discussing the arrangements for Christmas at the time.
I still can't believe she actually got my number from his phone so she could harass me even though I wasn't interested and was already seeing someone else.
Any who he soon dumped her when he realised she was completely insane.
She never met the kids or I would have ripped his head off because he knew she was a bit odd and even told me himself.
So OP my advice is to put your foot down and tell him that she is not allowed anywhere near the kids. She is obviously unhinged.

PeppiNephrine · 07/10/2013 14:41

You can't really control what he does when he sees his children though, or who he sees. You can't tell him to not let her near the children.
You can ask, you can negotiate, and if you really feel strongly about it you can take him to court, but other than that.....

(Also she's a woman, not a girl)

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 14:45

so an abusive woman rather than an abusive girl then? that is so much better Hmm

PeppiNephrine · 07/10/2013 14:47

no, but it is more accurate and less offensive so keep your Hmm

NotYoMomma · 07/10/2013 14:50

hardly rhe point of the thread though?

Original poster
Outofyourmouth · 07/10/2013 14:55

Thanks for the replies, it's nice to know I'm not over reacating! And yes she is a woman, albeit rather odd. And I know I can't control what he does when the children are with him, but he has a way of making me feel I am over reacting and that his behaviour is normal.

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCorpse · 07/10/2013 14:57

In the interests of her children's safety (she has history of violence) she can tell him what ever she wants. Whether he listens to it is up to him, true, but the OP has no obligation to be civil and ask politely when she feels her children are unsafe.

I'd give the same advice if OP was a father posting about his ExP's physically abusive boyfriend.

Original poster
Outofyourmouth · 07/10/2013 16:34

I did turn it round and asked how he would feel if it was me with an abusive partner, but apparently a violent man is completely different!

OP posts:
LimitedEditionLady · 07/10/2013 19:04

I think id try and suggest that his time with the kids should be 90% just him and the kids for the kids sake.I wouldnt want my child around soneone who thought that there was some reason for us to be sparring.Time with their dad should be time with their dad.

BrokenSunglasses · 07/10/2013 19:08

In my experience, the only reason men go back to women who they have dumped with good reason, is because they are a good shag.

This is probably all she has going for her. She sounds crazy.

Original poster
Outofyourmouth · 07/10/2013 21:24

He has the DC's twice a week for tea and sleep overs every other weekend, so plenty of time to have a relationship without involving the children.

I think brokensunglasses is probably right but I will do everything possible to protect the DC's from some one who could be damaging to them.

OP posts:
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