To want a bit of understanding???

[Noordinarygirl]

Having a pretty major operation in January. I'm scared stiff. Have had all sorts of complications following hysterectomy last year and this SHOULD hopefully fix things.

My partner was widowed 4 and a half years ago and he's not got much sympathy at all. All he says is 'Is there any chance of you dying? - No - well put it into perspective and get on with it'.......I do appreciate what he's been through as I lost my Mum to cancer when I was only 18 but bloody hell, I'm really worried about this op. It involves mesh being stitched front and back of vagina and then 'tunnelled' around organs and attached to ligaments in my back. Already have 2 beggared up discs and although I haven't given any sort of surgery a second thought previously, for some reason I feel really quite concerned about this as I've had all sorts of problems for a year and a half now (large fibroid, self-catheterising, cervix totally falling out of me etc etc etc!) Just would like some sort of sympathy or am I wrong considering what he has been through before?

Yanbu.

But perhaps it's him trying to convince himself you're not going to die? As in, it's not life threatening,she will get better. Perhaps (unfairly) your worries are something he can't fully cope with given his not so distant bereavement?

Can you sit down and talk to him frankly about your concerns. The actual concerns, not just your feelings of worry about them? That might make things easier for you both?

Wish you all the best with your operation op

YANBU. Suffering a bereavement doesn't give someone the right to be so insensitive and unsympathetic. You should be receiving support, consideration and understanding.

Well, today my pessary ring has almost fallen right out, along with my cervix right behind it. Told him I would need to call hospital in the morning to have it re-fitted again (for 3rd time) and had no response, NO SIGN OF ANY SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER........nothing at all. Even asked if he wanted to have a feel to try and understand what is going on down there.....nothing. It's as if he just can't even try to think about it. Feeling as if I could walk right out the front door and not turn back - but wouldn't do that cos of 2 DDs (18 and 16). Can't stand this much more.

YADNBU. I had a tiny op years back and I was terrified the anaesthetic would kill me.

Maybe he's so scared of losing another dp that he's not letting it sink in?

Oh bloody hell. Sorry for the stupidly insensitive post I just posted op. Fuck, really really sorry.

Sparkletshirt - it's fine. I know what you meant. Don't worry. He's just totally blocking it all out and can't seem to feel anything. He's always done this - that's what makes me think he actually hasn't grieved for his previous partner. I'm not her, I'm here and I need some support.

I think his behaviour is appalling. I don't have much patience with the "maybe he's still grieving" excuse. He probably still is if he wasn't a selfish, insensitive arse then as well, but if he cared for you he would still be supportive and sensitive. When someone you love is facing major abdominal surgery and is understandably scared of the prospect, you comfort them. When a child breaks a leg you don't tell them to stop crying because at least it hasn't been cut off!

I don't know anything else about your relationship Noordinarygirl but I really hope there aren't any other red flags. I have the impression of a man who is loving only when things are going his way and it's all about him. I hope I'm wrong.

I hope the surgery goes well for you and you get lots of support from the other people in your life.

Oh thanks No Ordinary Girl. Your operation sounds big. Perhaps he just wants to cry but he can't because it's you that's going through all the trauma so it would be too out of place. He really isn't handling it well is he?

What Alisvolatpropiss said.