AIBU to have turned my friend down

[Bathsheba]

I guess I'm feeling guilty and that I've been a bit crap to my best friend...

Loads of background - I have 3 dds - aged 9, 7 and 3. dd1 and 2 are at school all day. Dd3 is at preschool for 2.5 hours each morning. 2 mornings a week I work at the school while Dd3 is in preschool (voluntary working). Another day I go to a mums group in this time slot.

So out of dd3's 5 sessions, I'm only really at home for 2 of them. I have a DH - at the moment he is working in the US 50% of the time and when he is here he works long hours. At the moment he us away and I'll admit some days I am struggling. Just with the constant noise and questions and bickering and fighting....

My best friend is a SAHM with 1 DD at school. I love her absolutely buckets but she keeps wanting me to do things with her in these 2 mornings a week that I have alone. I understand that she doesn't always want yo see me with DD3 in tow but I really really need these 4 hours a week to myself. Tonight she specifically asked me round to hers tomorrow before nursery pick up, rather than after it.... I felt so bad saying that I really need the time dd3 is at nursery to myself.

AIBU to try and keep these 2 morning sessions a week completely to myself or should I be depending time with my friends without Dd3...

My Mums group is a church bible study - not everyone's cup of tea but for various reasons I can't go to church on a Sunday and this is my way of keeping attached to my church family. That probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people though...

Could you afford a weekly babysitter so you can see her alone in the evenings whilst hubby is away?

I agree you need those few day time hours to yourself though. Maybe you should even try to create a few more hours alone of you need the head space whilst line parenting.

I would suggest that you initiate and arrange meeting times. Take the lead 'I'm free on x days at x time for meeting next week. Which ones good for you?' If she gives a time when you are child free make a joke 'sorry too tricky, can't meet then as I'll be comatose. So exhausted looking after kids alone and ill probably go to bed'

I understand entirely where you are coming from. I like my own company and don't 'need' to see people a lot really. I have a very sociable job in the mornings so afternoons, after DS has been in nursery, we like to relax and play and get dinner ready etc. I have a friend who wants to do stuff all the time and did used to get very hurt by me not wanting to do the things she suggested. To be fair - I wasn't exactly suggesting alternatives so what could she do? She is the type of person who needs loads of company.
Anyway - we sat down and talked about it in the end, honestly and openly, and now we understand our differences. I try and see her once a fortnight now for a good catch up.
She also loves to have every second of the weekend planned whereas I like to have NOTHING planned and to do what we want as a family. Time to acknowledge your differences and tell her so she doesn't take it personally. I would feel exactly the same as you about those child free hours.
X

If you see her in the evenings without children, I wouldn't have thought it would be a massive problem not to see her during your 4 hours. I have 3 non child non work hours to myself on a Sunday morning and I need them and wouldn't give them up.

However, if you very rarely see her of an evening, she might jut want to reconnect a bit better in a setting where conversation will not autorevert to children all the time.

I can see both sides - I love time on my own, in fact I do spend an awful lot of time on my own but equally when I do see my friends I much prefer to see them without children around as it is totally different having an adult chat to having to deal with whinging children/drinks/squabbles/CBBC etc etc.

Does she have a DH/DP at home? Could you invite her round for an evening at your home when the children are in bed? Drinks and a chat, that sort of thing?

Of course you're not being unreasonable!

Its fine to say no.

Its fine to put yourself first.

Its fine not to always compromise your needs for other people.

Its fine to need time to yourself.

Her DH is at home - well, in the evenings and the weekends. Some weeks we do get together in the evenings but its not been possible the last few days - we have been in at the weekends for the last few weeks for get togethers and parties..