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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to push my mum to do a 'clear out' and stop her hoarding?

79 replies

williaminajetfighter · 05/10/2013 22:56

My 72 year old mum lives alone in a large house filled with 'stuff'. She is not like those people on the Hoarders TV show but she is fairly bad at holding onto everything she's ever owned, every magazine, every card she's received. I think at the heart of it she's just incredibly sentimental.

Visiting her drives me loopy with the piles of paper,knick knacks etc. she spends a lot of time 'moving stuff around' and dealing with filing and sorting her mounds of paper like some mad archivist. I think her life would be a lot easier if it was clutter free.

I have at times encouraged her to do a clear out, have a yard sale, get rid of unwanted things, put stuff on eBay and it always ends in tears.

Part of me is also conscious that if not done now her kids will have a lot to go through after her death, although this obviously isn't my main motivation.

I fear I may just be imposing my minimalist way of living onto her but I can't help thinking a clear out would be good for her.

So should I press get on this one or just let it go?? Just would like to get others opinions especially those who have faced similar situations.

OP posts:

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 09:34

'When the time comes'?
When she dies, hire a house clearance firm and let them deal with the problem.

sarahtigh · 07/10/2013 09:44

I don't think your father's things are a good place to start too many memories etc she may think you are trying to erase his mark presence in house

my MIL hoards my suggestion is start with things that probably do not have sentimental value bags. boxes suggest she reduces magazines by 1/3 or 1/2

start on kitchen all long out of date food though a tin of peas two weeks out of date is fine, clothes that do not fit to charity, did this with MIL tried everything on if it fits in wardrobe if not charity

if you only see her for 2 weeks a year I would suggest first 3 days do nothing then maybe 5-6 days of clearing out and then finish time together with a few days out again so the whole holiday and you visiting are not about decluttering

ReallyTired · 07/10/2013 09:48

My father and brother are horendous hoarders. I don't know how my mother puts up with it.

We can not lead our parents' life. When they pass on it will be easier for us to get rid of their junk when they are not around to complain. There are companies that you can pay to clear a house.

I have hoarding tenancies, but I think its easier to get them under control when you are young. Certainly my parents were not as bad when they were young.

TrueStory · 07/10/2013 09:51

perhaps this change is due to your mothers age and declining powers? i noticed this with my own mother, her sudden piles of paperwork everywhere.

perhaps you should consider suggesting a power of attorney now? this is a very important document. there's lots of stuff on the internet plus mumsnet's elderly parents section.

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 11:31

Power of Attorney, because her daughter is a neat freak?

ReallyTired · 07/10/2013 11:44

You can't enact a power of attorney over someone just because they are hoarder. Whether you like it or not an adult can live however they please. It would be an abuse of power to chuck all the belongings of a hoarder.

Power of attorney are for situations when you have an elderly person who is mentally incompatiated. The bar of enacting a power of attorney is pretty high.

Beastofburden · 07/10/2013 11:46

Giving things to charity shops is usually less painful than throwing them out. Some charities will come and do a declutter for you.

SilverApples · 07/10/2013 11:48

Exactly RT, otherwise my dad would have done it to me years ago.

TrueStory · 07/10/2013 11:49

calling the OP stupid names is not helpful, nor is dismissing my personal difficult experience.

OTOH adding to the bigger picture might help OP. of course may not be her situation, but who knows it may be a contributing factor, esp if her DM is 72 and struggling in some ways. legally, power of attorneys btw need to be done before people are seriously struggling; but if you knew anything about the subject you wouldnt have replied with such a stupid post.

honestly MN does seem to attract some unpleasant thickos atm. i think i need a break from it.

kalms1971 · 07/10/2013 11:55

My PIL's are literally storing up a huge pile of problems for us when they pass on. They are 84 now and have no intention of clearing anything despite us offering to help. Loft full of old wedding dresses that MIL bought to sell on but hasn't. Formica furniture, damp and peeling in shed - will not throw away as it was a wedding present. No use to anyone as wood is rotten. Lots of tools, gardening equipment which they cannot use going rusty ( what a waste) 2 spare rooms crammed with stuff that's never used. Going to be a terrible job for us to sort it out. Makes me angry because they know we have our hands full with our SN ds

ReallyTired · 07/10/2013 11:55

The court of protection exists for people who have not appointed someone to take power of attorney. If you are concerned that an elderly relative is seriously struggling then adult social services can help.

My father gave £500 to a ballif for a debt that was not his. I was desperately concerned that he had been bullied into handing over money for a debt that was not his. He is frail and has very poor eye sight and I did not understand why he gave money to the ballif. Social services were prepared to investigate possible financial abuse, but we had to respect the fact that he did not want help. (Even if I do question his mental competance)

I do empathise with the issue of having hoarder parents, but there is littel we can do.

TrueStory · 07/10/2013 12:02

grr... power of attorneys- not suggesting this so OP can chuck things away, absolute idiocy to suggest i ssid that! its more the case of raising possibility that it was an early sign of struggling that OP needed to consider. her DM is 72 after all. or not.

signing a PoA is not the same as registering it. its just a back-up when parents start to get old. I suggest you look online or mumsnet's elderly patents section to get some more info rather than the dangerously ignorant remarks on this subject.

over and out. hope this is helpful to others even if not OP's situation.

TrueStory · 07/10/2013 12:13

the court of protection is NOT advisable in normal circumstances, very stressful and very expensive. often the court of protection only have to get involved because a PoA was not organised whilst ageing person was in full control if his or her faculties to make this decision. you should really get your facts straight.

of course not every ageing person wants to make a PoA with trusted relative or friend, which is their prerogstive. but thus can be shoring up big ptoblems later if they suddenly become incapacitated physically or mentally.

Trazzletoes · 07/10/2013 12:20

I feel your pain, OP. My DM is a hoarder. She is living with us at the moment and it is slowly killing me. I'm not minimalist but every time I set myself an objective she goes full out to sabotage it.

It doesn't need to be as bad as it is on TV to count as hoarding.

NameChangerExtroardinaire · 07/10/2013 12:38

MIL is like this. In a three bedroom house, there's only her bedroom that is habitable to sleep in as the others just have so much STUFF.
I've helped to a certain extent, as in they're looking a bit better as all the rubbish has gone, (she was willing to do that) but there's still piles of STUFF that she needs to sort through as I can't just go chucking her possessions away.
She says she'll "get round to it" and we have actually put lots of stuff to put in binbags to take to the charity shop.
There's sackloads to take but she'll come up with a million and one excuses why she can't take them right now.
Then in the next breath it's "my house is making me so miserable, it gets me down" well why the f**k won't she let me help her then?
I'm here to help.
She wants the small people to stay over occasionally, but they can't while the bedrooms are out of action. You'd think that would be a big enough incentive, but no.
Argh! Sorry for the rant, but I just want to help her and have not got a clue how to go about it when she says she WANTS to clear it, makes a start but won't do the rest.

WetGrass · 07/10/2013 13:01

Yy - why not get her into technology.

scanning things (& then boxing for storage or chucking - but getting it out of her living space).
could she do a 'living history project' and either video or audio record her explaining her favorite objects. It could be a wonderful family history heirloom - and it could re-direct the sentimentality in a more constructive direction. Also a natural way of sorting rubbish & treasure.

Trazzletoes · 07/10/2013 14:29

Ah wet if only it were so easy.

In the case of my DM... Scanning in is no problem. But need to hang on to paper copies in case this new fangled technology breaks down.

I know - back it up. In her world everything could fail at once.

Paper is nice and safe.

Sigh.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 07/10/2013 19:17

well why the fk won't she let me help her then?

She probably wouldn't even be able to find an answer for that herself. It's not as simple as her deciding not to let you. If she's a hoarder for real, its a psychological issue. On one hand she might be desperate to get rid while at the same time she can't quite let go. Its a horrible situation to be in. She's probably desperate to have your children stay but she can't override a mental health problem just because she desires something. Threads like this make me so so so grateful for my patient family who took the time to read up about hoarding and the mental health side of it and had so much patience and time for me to help me overcome my hoarding without making me more ill on the way.

deste · 07/10/2013 20:20

When we empty a house we take everything away because if you don't it will find its way back in.

Beastofburden · 07/10/2013 21:43

Worst case- you leave it as is. When she dies you pay a house clearance company.

I got someone in this summer and said I felt bad as I had so much junk. He told me he had a client where he had two vans up there for a week. The family filled fifteen skips before they called him in.

They are brilliant, and most of it is recycled or resold.

Maybe the thing is to let them hoard within reason, just keep them safe and (fairly) clean and stay at the nearest B&B?

Original poster

williaminajetfighter · 07/10/2013 22:10

Thx everyone for your comments - interesting to see that others face similar situations.

But, um, Silver Apples what exactly is your problem? You describe me as 'opinionated, virtuous and convinced that my lifestyle choices are vastly superior to those of my mother's' as well as a 'neat freak'. Seriously!? There was nothing in my original post that suggested that but, guess what, it's a forum and everyone has an opinion, hence you could mark anyone as opinionated. Why do people go onto forums and then complain that people are opinionated? Um, forums are for people to express their opinions --- which is what makes them interesting.

And guess what else? Most people think their lifestyle choices are generally preferable or else they wouldn't live that way! I certainly think clutter free is better than a house filled with junk and stuff that gets in the way.

BTW North America doesn't necessarily mean the USA.

OP posts:

MyBaby1day · 08/10/2013 04:01

YANBU, I try and live as minimally as possible too and it doesn't sound like it's good for your Mum's health to be keeping all this lumber. Try and help her with it. My Mum is a bit of a hoarder and now she is getting rid of more and more (we only live in a small flat so that helps...lol) but try encouraging rather than taking over. Also if it's sentimental as you say, maybe tell her such and such a person (who sent her the card) wouldn't want her keeping everything and would be happy if she had a clean and tidy house instead. Maybe keep a nice photo of the person instead but not cards from every Birthday, Easter etc. All the best.

Eastpoint · 08/10/2013 04:24

I think when people say get a house clearance company to deal with it after she's died are missing the point. My MIL had a fire in her house & the firemen couldn't enter it wearing breathing equipment as they couldn't open the front door wide enough. Luckily MIL was outside but if she had fallen asleep inside she would have put them at risk if they entered the house looking for her. The police & fire brigade locked her house & refused to let her back in as it was too dangerous. She moved to Dsil's house, my DH spent weeks clearing her house so it could be cleaned & repaired. In the end she moved to a smaller house.

She then had another fire, this time at night. Luckily the tv exploding woke her up & she escaped again.

Does she really have the right to live how she wants? She does not have dementia.

Beastofburden · 08/10/2013 08:07

east ironically my throwaway "keep her safe" comment was originally going to be "as long as she doesn't burn the place down!" but I thought it might come over as disrespectful.

It's about more than just her rights, isn't it? Her neighbours might get burnt out too. I would say she has crossed the line where she no longer has the right to live as she likes. You wouldn't allow an adult with learning disabilities to do this- they would immediately get taken into residential care, or have some kind of compulsory care package put in.

No idea ow the system works with NT people (if indeed she is NT)....

shewhowines · 08/10/2013 10:18

ancient I read a while ago, that there is also a lawn mower museum somewhere too.

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