To keep this friendship?

[Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk]

I've name changed for this.

It's a long story so thanks in advance if you finish!

I've had this friend (lets call her Jill) for about 4yrs. Very close. We met when we were single and met our now dp's through mutual friends (Dp's have been friends for years prior to our meeting). Our friendship was basically a big party, there was always drinking involved when we met wether it be at a bar or each others houses. We would often socialise as couples.

Fast forward to a yr ago I got pregnant (planned) so things changed.

Throughout my pregnancy I saw Jill a handful of times. Jill got engaged during my pregnancy so was (understandably) busy wedding planning.

As well as Jill I have another long standing friend called "Jackie" who Jill has never got along with but respects her as my friend. I had asked Jill as well as Jackie to be godmothers to our baby unofficially, Jackie was pleased and Jill was not happy and basically said Jackie alone should be godmother and that I had made it less special for Jill. Being hormonal I thought I was wrong and talked Jackie into being godmother. She agreed but said she would not be involved in anything with Jackie. Jackie organised my baby shower as Jill refused to come.

Jill had asked me to be bridesmaid along with another friend of hers and asked us to plan the hen. It was to be outside our home town and memorable. I would have given birth 4 weeks before the date she chose, so I was initially reluctant to stay overnight and wanted to stay local.

She was very unhappy and made a big deal out of my suggestion and we settled on seeing how I felt at the time.

No surprises that when I'd had my dd I didn't want to go so I pulled out. Due to needing a certain amount of numbers the other bridesmaid had to cancel it and was pissed off with the whole thing (There was a big palava at getting people to commit, choosing a location that could suit everyone). Jill was really upset so being a good friend I jumped in to sort the situation and re-book somewhere. Dd was 1 week old at this point. I booked what I thought was ok but was told by Jill (and a few other people I'd contacted to let them know changes) that it was a bad decision, they would all hate it and I needed to change it ASAP.

Rightly so I was soo upset and angry, I'd just given birth and I was full of emotions - this led to me pulling out all together and left them all to it. After a few emails from Jill we got into an email fight about what was more important - I shouldn't have to leave my baby - I should be a good friend blah blah. Jill decided it was "best" I wasn't bridesmaid anymore as I obv need to spend my time with baby (dd would have been 5 months at wedding). Jill pushed to come and see me to clear the air and sort the bad vibes between us.

At this point I was more hurt than angry. I initially didn't want to see her as I really didn't want the friendship but she insisted. In the end conversation was really a clarification of what Jill had emailed, no remorse and a very reluctant apology.

Then hen was organised locally by Jill and the other bridesmaid and as we seemed to clear the air I went. As predicted I didn't enjoy myself and missed my dd. I felt really uncomfortable knowing that the other guests were aware of the email fallout we'd had.

Since then there have been sporadic and non committal "we should meet!" text messages. Neither of us are really making the effort like before. So the wedding came and I felt even more hurt being just a guest when Jill was supposedly my bf, I'd decided once Jill was back from hols I'll be honest with her about how I felt etc to be able to move forward.

But now I don't know if I really want to. It's been about 3months since and I've kinda avoided her and claimed to be really busy.

She pretty much wants to pick up where we left off and carry on with drunken nights out as before my dd. Thats near impossible for me now.

The dp's have not been involved with this but I can't help feeling they would feel awkward with Jill and I not talking.

Although its all over now, I was so very upset at the time and felt really humiliated at the hen and wedding. I keep thinking how can I be a real friend for her to treat me this way?

Am I just being childish and need to just get over it?

WWYD?

TIA

If you can get over it then go for it, personally I would find it extraordinarily hard. Ok so getting married is a big deal for the bride but imo she was being VU. You are both in "different places" and that's not about to change is it?

Wow, you are better person than me because I would have told Jill to piss off. She is horrible, childish, spoilt and selfish. She is not a friend. Her behaviour towards you was appalling. I am amazed you are contemplating being friends with her again. Why? Life's too short. Forget her and enjoy your baby.

Your on a different path now, drunken nights out are not a part of that, She'll have to meet you where you are or not be part of your journey.

It's nigh on impossible to know what it feels like to have a baby until you have one of your own, and most people hardly think about it beforehand.

She actually sounds a bit jealous of your DC 'taking you away from her', that she's measuring how much you value her by where she ranks after (what she might see as) you've had to choose between her and your DC.

You're definitely at odds and different places at the minute, maybe that'll change when/if she has children/a bit of time?

A lot of it could be put down to the car crash sorting the hen night/wedding shit turned out to be. Nobody's fault as such, but it could have been handled in a way that didn't leave you isolated/her brushed off.

We all have "Friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life". She sounds at the moment like the middle one. You've outgrown her as you have different priorities to her just now.

What I would suggest is that you maintain low level contact with her if you want to, then when she has her first baby, you might regain your friend. You might not of course - but at least leave that door open for both of you.

Why are you friends with this woman? Sounds like she just wants to bully and control you?

What I would suggest is that you maintain low level contact with her if you want to, then when she has her first baby, you might regain your friend. You might not of course - but at least leave that door open for both of you.
I agree.

Thanks for your responses.

I agree with many of your replies. I know once she has a baby she will understand, when I said this during our email exchange she said "when you get married you'll understand", like its even comparable!!

I think I will keep a low profile for the time bring until I get to the point of it not bothering me anymore. We may just ended being close again when she eventually becomes a mum.

I don't really see what jill's done that's so wrong other than change her mind about you being her bridesmaid. But I reckon that as you were refusing to go to her hen at that stage then that decision was inevitable. I would say well done for still making the effort to go to her hen in the end when the details were finally arranged. I think it would be nice if you made up - but you still seem very hurt/ angry. But I doubt all this has been a bed of roses for Jill either, even if others on here have assumed she's the villain of the piece from what you have said.

Personally you should not have agreed to organise and attend the hen party if it had to be at that time. 4 months before the wedding is very early, and with a brand new baby I don't think I would have been considering it. I can understand why she was upset at having the whole event cancelled because you pulled out, could you have just paid the money so it wasn't cancelled? I understand you probably felt pressured into saying yes but actually by saying yes and then pulling out you've put yourself in a worse position than by just saying no I'll organise it but I can't come.

However, this has happened now. Her life choices are important to her just as your life choices are important to you. There is nothing more irritating than someone saying 'when you have children you'll understand' even tho that statement is probably true. Her wedding is very important to her, even if you don't think it should be.

Can you invite her round to look at the wedding pictures and try and draw a line under it? It sounds like you haveboth been hurt by the other one's actions. It would be good to get on even if for the sake of your DPS.

Vince are you Jill. :)

Jill is trying to control the OP, demanding that she follow her orders on who should be godparents or not and then emotionally blackmailed her to change it and threw her toys out of the pram refusing to attend the baby shower and behaving like a complete child.

She's bullied her over the hen night for not being involved enough and wanting to join in then when she did criticized everything she did to help. She withdrew the offer of being a bridesmaid out of pique and to hurt and humiliate the OP.

She shows no consideration for her friends needs and feelings, she's controlling, she moans, she's selfish and only considers how things effect her.

And now she's expecting the OP to go out and get hammered with her when she has a baby.

She sounds horrible to me.

I think weddings can send people a little barking at times. If she isn't usually so demanding, maybe it was wedding stress, perhaps your friendship is rescuable? I think about some of the details in my own wedding and realise how focused I was on having the perfect day, it's what's preached to you from being a small child. Then you get married, look back and think was it so important that the napkins matched the place cards or whatever, and realise how silly your focus was as nobody really remembers these details. Anyway what I'm trying to say is maybe Jill feels bad for how she reacted and wants to make amends? Maybe give her the opportunity to see if she is? It would be difficult for her to understand the bond you have with your baby if she is childless, one day she may have her own child and it will dawn on her how unreasonable she was.