to dislike being talked about

[harlowian]

I have 2 dc. but after the first dc I had loads of gynae/fertility problems - ended up with legal action against the hospital for negligence for missing stuff etc.
I had to spend a load of money on fertility treatment to have dc2.
I am quite a private person so didn't want to tell many people about my problems (that and it is highly personal etc).
I told my mum. And then I ended up telling an old school friend as well, mainly because she kept moaning all the time about issues relating to her pregnancy , birth etc. I ended up saying to her well actually this is what happened to me... Anyway I told her I understood she would tell her husband but please not tell anyone I might know, like old school friends etc.
Anyway recently my mum told me that my db was surprised I had the money to spend on fertility treatment. I asked how he knew how much it cost and she said "I told him". I felt a bit cross as I know I didn't make her promise not to tell anyone I just thought it was a bit personal for her to discuss with db and sil (who have their own dc, no issues as far as I know).
Also my friend who I told recently mentioned that another friend of hers had made comments re my issues when she'd told her. I know I don't know the other friend but I could potentially meet her (e.g. at mutual friends house if they have a party or whatever).
My issues are highly personal and private AIBU that people have discussed them?? (and that I have ended up finding out?)

I mean AIBU to be annoyed that people have discussed them

Difficult. Because I think you ANBU to expect people who care about you to keep a secret if you ask them, but actually in my experience some people just can't, or won't.

YANBU, I'm in the same position with secondary infertility and I will not tell anyone anything about it other than my mam.

It's highly personal and they shouldn't have discussed it.

Every one has someone they trust with a secret.

Sadly, a secret isn't a secret any more once you've told someone...

They were BU to gossip to other people about you, there was no valid reason for telling them. Although it's maybe a bit more excusable when it's family, but then your mum passed on your brothers comments! Why would she do that? Stirring things up?

But, you must have noticed that it's a rare person who can keep something to themselves, IMO. People love to talk about people, and some love being the one who's got the latest goss, knows everything about everyone and who you should keep well away from is always the center of attention (as well as being ironically outraged when they're being gossiped about )

I don't think you can be hugely pissed off at them because you should have kept it to yourself if people discussing it hurts you this much (maybe you didn't think it would?).

I know how you feel. I was going through infertility treatment for the first time and I still remember the feeling when it transpired that my mother had been discussing it with her HAIRDRESSER!!

Hi thanks for replying. I think I just thought due to the sensitive nature that people would know to keep it to themselves. I explicitly told my friend that I understood she might tell her husband that I didn't want it getting around. If she hadn't told me she'd told her other friends it would have been one thing as I would (probably) never have found out, it was just the causal way she said "oh I was talking to x about y and they said z".
And my mum, well I thought she wouldn't tell people, (and she definitely knew I didn't want people to know) and the cost of it as well.. and passing on their views!

btw there's loads of stuff people tell me such as fertility issues, marital issues and kids (e.g. sn etc) issues that I just assume is private and don't discuss.
It sounds so primary school to have to tell people "don't repeat this but.." if I'm discussing something with someone close such as my mum or close friend!j

could your friend have said it without identifying you as in 'i know someone who went through similar...' etc while talking to someone who doesnt inow you?

otherwise it is odd to bring it up with a total stranger.

yanbu, it's difficult for discreet, trustworthy types to understand but many people are gossipy, have no sense and talk for the sake of it, those types don't have anything interesting to talk about because they never take the time to learn anything so blather on about everybody elses personal lives.

Until you've identified someone as being discreet and trustworthy, don't share anything you wouldn't be proud to announce to the whole world. If you have to say 'don't tell anyone', don't tell them, they'll just tell everyone not to let on they know.

Two people can keep a secret as long as one of you is dead.

Unfortunately ime you can't trust anyone to keep your private business to themselves, not even your own family. I underwent IVF and was gobsmacked to discover that my MIL and mother had been discussing it with pretty much everyone they could get to listen. That was after I specifically asked them not to discuss it with anyone. I felt completely betrayed and I'll never forgive them for it or share any personal information with them again.

If you want something to remain secret then I suggest you don't tell anyone. YANBU to expect it though. If I'm asked not to tell someone something I don't, ever.