DD's Dad, am I missing something here?

[viperslast]

Dd is a lovely teenager. Bright, intelligent, witty, stubborn and argumentative. The majority of the time it's great but sometimes she does the sullen and rude routine. Sadly the outbursts have been getting worse, much fewer and further between but much bigger when they happen. It's progress - of sorts but that seems pretty normal with teens!

So, last 24hrs have been horrible, really bad and I had loads on today. Really important stuff that affects others. After another outburst from dd I decided I I needed to call her dad. I needed him to take over today, just this once. Dad is, frankly, crap. He rarely sees dd (sporadic when he doesn't have anything better contact) He has paid hardly anything for years and dd is pretty jaded about him. She is very frank to me about him.

So, my question, is this ok? I rang him at 11o clock today, according to dd he has no plans to be away this weekend and he was supposed to call her to arrange contact. I was stressed out and worried and needed help so I rang 17 times one after the other (He doesn't have voice mail) eventually I gave up (this was away from dd btw). So here we are many hours later and he hasn't attempted to contact either of us! He has form for this but previously I have rung once or text once. I know I didn't really need him today, we managed but he doesn't know that! AIBU to be angry that his dd could be in any situation right now and he doesn't care enough to even ring and check?

Dd thinks he will be at his girlfriends house (yes there is signal there)

Ok maybe a better question would be AIBU to write essays sorry! Thanks if anyone makes it to the end!

YANBU it's sad when a father doesn't give a crap about his own child.

I'm sorry. My dad was crap when I was a teenager too and didn't even speak with me for months, but luckily we've re-built the relationship and are on good terms. It's good your DD is so open about how she feels - encourage that, and encourage her to stay open and maybe try and re-build when she's older.

My Dad explained recently that he was scared of having a teenage DD who was growing up and didn't know how to handle it with all the personal stuff going on in his life. He's weak but he found it easier to stay away.

YABU - he's a c**t!! For all he knows she could be lying in a hospital bed. People don't usually ring you 17 times for no reason. Sounds like she's working out for herself what an arse he is.

Whoops I meant YANBU

This is an absolutely shit situation, but given his history I'm a little confused as to why you a)thought he was the right person to help and b)had any expectations he would be there for you/dd. Genuinely not having a go

Posted too soon! Meant to say that you're not unreasonable or missing something. He is. But just not sure why you expected/anticipated/hoped otherwise. Hope you're both ok anyway

YANBU but from my own experience, it's easier to just give up ever expecting any help from a 'dad' like that. It's actually less of a head f**K to do it all alone then waste your time and energy waiting for a loser like that to do the right thing

Sadly she is, I feel awful for her about it and I know his behaviour will be contributing to her behaviour now. Rejection is always horrible but rejection by a parent as a teen is terrible.

I am feeling all "but xxxxx could have happened" but wondering if I am being unreasonable? Of course my own emotions are pretty raw at the moment, it's been a long day!

HKat probably because he should be the person who will help - I am terrible for thinking people will come good in the end if you give them enough chances. ... I really am going to have to give up on him as a bad job aren't I? Poor dd

Corlan isn't it dreadfully sad.

Fwiw what dd means when she says he will be at the girlfriends is "he will be with her and her young son playing happy families without her" this isn't the first time we have had this conversation, he doesn't answer her calls either when he is there)

I think trying to get help from someone who has proved completely unreliable just makes life harder for you. That's what I found with my ex. You're better off looking for alternative means of coping or alternative people to help.

Ohmigosh OP had to post because you could be talking about me instead of your DD! My father is exactly the same, down to not taking my calls when he is with her girlfriend and 'new family.' Don't really have any advice except to be there for your DD as much as possible, and believe me when I say in a few years she will look back and realise who was really there for her, and when he comes crawling for contact she will tell him to do one!

You are not BU btw, even though I knew my dad was a waste of space, I was grateful to my mother for trying, as it showed me that at least she was trying to make him care, not keeping him away! Just had to post as the similarities freaked me out a bit!

It is beyond awful. But unfortunately there are some men like this. A total waste of space re being a dad. I agree that there is no point stressing out and wishing he would step up because he isn't doing at the present. He's just selfish. Maybe he will regret it one day.

Jan, what is the alternative? I have coped alone for years now and this is the first time I actually felt the need to say "today I need a hand" it just irkes me that the one time in all these years and it is too difficult even to pick up the phone!

Ladyleah, sorry to hear you have been treated like this, it breaks my heart for dd because she is a sensitive soul behind the bluster. I can see how much it hurts her but I just can't save her from this one -and I have tried. He actually believes he is a good father and he has a great relationship with dd

Vivien, I hope he does tbh. I hope one day he realises and regrets but I am not sure, he is too arrogant to see any failure in himself.

Just off the cuff - forget he exists. He is rubbish. Your DD doesn't want to be bothered. Pretend she has no dad. When you know you have to do it all alone ime you cope much better.

17 missed calls from one person = emergency of some sort and if he can't even call to see what has happened then he doesn't deserve the joy of a child.. Next time you speak to him (do not call him) if he doesn't ask what was wrong then you know for sure he is a twat.

Thanks Miss Strawberry I am moving from angry to upset now. This is all so wrong. Blooming good job I don't decide to just turn my back and pretend dd doesn't exist unless it suits isn't it?

He's a prat!! How is your DD tonight?

Thanks for the virtual is all I can have at the moment! (Who's idea were tooth abcess' anyway?!)

Dd is is fine thanks, staying at a friends house for a bit of calm time. Here's hoping tomorrow is a new day!

Vipers, my ds is an adult now but with SEN so still needing care. I found that trying to get his dad to help didn't work and just made me feel worse. I didn't have any alternative but just muddled through. He now has a poor relationship with his dad though his dad doesn't realise that.

Isn't it odd how they don't realise? How can they not see it themselves!