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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD Incident with son at school.

53 replies

wwydhelp · 05/10/2013 18:47

Name changed.

DS13 came home from school yesterday upset. He has got himself into a state. As he has always been a model pupil who has never been in trouble before.

Apparently since ds has gone back to school in September there is a girl in most of his classes who has been name calling and being a real pain to him. The first I heard about it was yesterday as he did not want to mention it as it was a girl and he was slightly embarrassed and thought he could handle it himself. He was ignoring the girl but the girl just kept upping the abuse, he told her to grow up and she turned and said to him "what me grow up, your the one molesting your sister, and I will make sure everyone knows", :( DS snapped got up and confronted her and asked what she said, she repeated it and my son grabbed her on the arm and told her to shut up.

I am disappointed that he never mentioned this before as we probably could of nipped it in the bud by talking to his tutor. He said up until that comment he was able to just ignore her as she was annoying and had done it to other people.

We have spoken to him and expressed our disappointment that he laid a hand on the girl, he said it was not right but when he mentioned his 4 yr old sister he snapped.

Another reason he said he did not tell me was I was already worrying because my granddad is in hospital.

He was taken to the head (over grabbing the girl) who apparently took a statement and it was left that he will be told on Monday what his punishment will be. The thing that concerns him is that the girls mum is a teaching assistant at the school, and the girl will get away with it and him punished.

What further concerns me is that if my DS did not come home and told me I would know nothing of this situation. I would of at least expected a phone call from the school.

Just wandering what you wise mumsnetters would do in this situation, and any advice would be appreciated.

TIA

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 05/10/2013 19:24

Your son sounds a really sensible lad for wanting you to step back and see what happens on Monday. Like you, I would want to dash up to school and defend him. This girl has made a very serious accusation and I don't care if her Mother is the teaching assistant, she needs some adult guidance regarding acceptable behaviour.

Please let us know how he gets on,I'm so glad he has the support of his form tutor.

ConfusedPixie · 05/10/2013 19:35

You really should go in ASAP to tell them exactly what was said about your son. Bringing it up later is going to look like he's trying to find excuses. Make sure it's on record and find out hat they are going to do about her spreading lies about him.

Original poster
wwydhelp · 05/10/2013 19:42

He has told his tutor and the head exactly what she has said and they are looking into it. That is why he will find out his punishment on Monday.

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 05/10/2013 20:12

There comes a point where, no matter what your child wants, you have to "parent up" and this is one of them. I can apreciate why DS doesn't want his parents "up the school" but this girl has made an accusation which, if she was believed, could wreck someone's life. She can not be allowed to get away with it, or pass it of as a daft prank - if she does, she may well do it again - imagine if she said a male teacher molested her?
Make it clear to the Head and everyone else at the school that you are livid and will not be letting them brush this off - it's too serious to just let it go, and way beyond the point where she can laugh it off. Make equally plain that you stand behind your son and that you will take legal advce if the school don't handle the incident(s) to your satisfaction (sounds a bit pompous, but it is that serious, and they need to be made aware of how seriously you are taking it) Let DS see you supporting him all the way, it's gone beyond a bit of name calling and silliness and into a criminal act (to say nothing of vile!) This girl needs to be made to realise just what she's done Confused

SueDoku · 05/10/2013 20:19

What PomBear said - definitely.

vj32 · 05/10/2013 21:04

I would wait and see what the school do. They will hopefully have already got witness statements from some other children in the class but want to get a bit of background.

I do wonder why the head is dealing with it though. Is this head new or really wanting to be hands on? This sounds like a fairly minor incident (not minor for your son, just minor in terms of behaviour incidents SMT would deal with in a secondary). The only other reason I can think is that it went to the head because the girl involved was a child of staff - to avoid any accusations she was not dealt with appropriately.

What I would expect to happen is detentions for both, contact with her parents about the inappropriateness of the comment and a very close eye on her in future because of the accusations of bullying. I would expect your DS to get a brief talking to in his detention about not retaliating, to report future incidents etc, and for her to tell her that this is not the way to behave, potential consequences for her and others of such accusations etc - at length if she doesn't get it. Then they sit them apart and if there is any future incident move her to a different class.

Sadly such comments are not that rare.

I wouldn't go in and see the Head unless you aren't happy with what the school suggests. I would make a call and speak to his tutor on Monday though.

swallowedAfly · 05/10/2013 21:19

if you go in to talk about this do make sure you also acknowledge your son's wrong in this and that the school can't ignore physical incidents and that you have talked to ds about it.

easier to be taken seriously in your horror at his treatment if you're also seen to be taking his behaviour seriously and holding him accountable too iyswim.

only you/your son know what his 'standing' is like at school ie. whether this would spread as a rumour or whether it wouldn't. for one child this could be devastating for another it would just roll off and not stick and no one would give it a moments notice. if he's vulnerable already though this could be really damaging.

uselessinformation · 05/10/2013 21:39

The girl made a serious accusation. If she gets away with that then next time she does it it could destroy someones life. You need to explain to your son that this is why you must go to the school. your son still needs to accept his sanction for grabbing her.

Original poster
wwydhelp · 07/10/2013 17:21

Totally happy with the way the school has dealt with it. DS got a 30 min detention after school for the reacting, ds friends were taken from class today to give a statement and they are still investigating the girl and her friends as they feel her conduct is a lot more serious that what ds has done. As soon as a decision has been reached they are going to call me with the outcome.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 07/10/2013 18:06

I agree, sounds like an excellent outcome. Keep us posted!

phantomnamechanger · 07/10/2013 18:15

thank goodness for common sense op!

lets hope the little madam gets a good bollocking and does some quick growing up. What a shitty thing to have said.

diaimchlo · 07/10/2013 19:11

I am glad to hear they are investigating the girl who said these horrendous things, but am very concerned that you had to hear this from your DS, surely considering the seriousness of her allegation the head should have informed you.

fryingpantoface · 07/10/2013 19:14

I'm glad they are investigating

MissStrawberry · 07/10/2013 20:05

I am relieved for you all. It does sound like the school is taking this as seriously as they should.

bigknickersforthepicker · 07/10/2013 20:32

I think its extremely nasty thing for her to say..but she sounds particularly nasty anyway

You need to be v.firm re. him grabbing.

...the one thing that stood out was

a. how does she know the meaning of molestation. What is she being exposed to?

b. Why is she targeting your son?

macthecatsmum · 07/10/2013 20:42

Probably the media in best case scenario Big. and bullies don't particularly need a reason to go for someone.
And year 8 girls.....we had one call a volunteer (wanting to do pgce)a fuckin' peado last week. the poor kid did everything by the book in reporting it. child's parent threatened to take all 3 kids out of school if he came back. if this girl in iso alone we cant be in the same room as she makes allegations. (theft, swearing, verbal abuse)

mumofthemonsters808 · 07/10/2013 20:45

Thanks for the update, glad you are pleased with the outcome.

pointythings · 07/10/2013 21:11

Just read the thread, that sounds like a very just outcome - your son did deserve some punishment but a 30 minute detention is no big deal and he is bound to have learned his lesson - the way he tried and tried to deal with this himself shows that he is a sensible young man.

I hope the girl gets what she has coming.

steppemum · 07/10/2013 21:49

great to hear about a good school getting it right.

nooka · 08/10/2013 01:51

I agree with others that sounds like a really good response. I hope that the longer term situation for your son with this girl is on the way to being resolved.

judgejudithjudy · 08/10/2013 15:04

yanbu - the girl sounds awful & needs punishing but your ds has no right to put his hands on anyone & for that, he will be punished. good luck

lljkk · 08/10/2013 17:30

Wow, that must be a zero tolerance school. DS has had a few incidents, he punched someone and another time a lad beat him up. The school's powers were actually very few in both cases.

phantomnamechanger · 08/10/2013 17:49

lljkk - sorry but I don't think the OPs school is anything special and certainly do not think this is zero tolerance/over zealous, and TBH your school just sounds crap at dealing with things! No school I know or have worked in would let physical violence go unpunished! Even incidents outside of school hours should be dealt with because they still bring the school name into disrepute.

AndiRee · 08/10/2013 18:57

I think he should not have to "serve" his detention until the outcome of investigation. It is not outside the realms of possibility that it all goes quiet so would appear that he is the only one "punished".

pixiepotter · 08/10/2013 19:00

I would go into school too.
Your poor DS Sad

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