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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to visit my very ill friend?

25 replies

Emilizz · 05/10/2013 17:34

My best friend and I had a major falling out years ago and didnt see each other or speak for a very long time.

In the past couple of years we always seemed to run into each other in the supermarket etc and would stop and chat for up to an hour. We got on just as well as when we were friends buy I could never bring myself to suggest going for a coffee etc in case she said no.

A few months ago we met on the street and she asked me to text her soon to go out for a glass of wine. When I did she was on holidays but said she'd be in touch when she got home.

I recently discovered from one of her colleagues that she was taken ill on holidays with cancer and was now back home in hospital. I sent a card and said to ring /text if I could do anything. This week she texted to say shes home and having chemo which is making her tired and nauseous. She asked if I would meet her for coffee in a few weeks.

I met her husband the other day and he told me to call in anytime to visit. I would love to see her but I'm afraid that I would be intruding and imposing on her at a time when she is feeling very unwell .

My dh says that I should go to see her but I feel that if she wanted me to visit then she would have said so in the text.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 05/10/2013 17:39

Yabu to expect her to remember to text you details. She had cancer, going thorough a very difficult time so surely she can be forgiven for forgetting? It's up to you to make the effort not her.

HappySeven · 05/10/2013 17:40

She asked you to meet her in a few weeks and her husband said she'd appreciate you calling so I think you should go. You don't have to stay long but I'm guessing she would be grateful you made the effort. She possibly doesn't have the energy at the moment to be super-sociable but she'd probably enjoy your company and maybe doesn't want to put you out and so hasn't asked.

If you were in her shoes what would you want?

DontCallMeDaughter · 05/10/2013 17:41

Text her and suggest it. She can only say no... But I think she'll say yes.

Something similar happened to my mum, her friend did actually say no but then she died shortly afterwards and mum is so glad she reached out even though nothing came of it, at least her friend knew she was thinking of her...

thehorridestmumintheworld · 05/10/2013 17:42

I think you should go you could text to arrange a time when she is not feeling too bad. I'm sure she would want you to come as she invited you and her dh did. She probably wants some company and support. This seems like the perfect time to make up properly.

3boys3dogshelp · 05/10/2013 17:44

I think you should go - her partner would not have said that if she didn't want you there. If it's awkward don't stay long and don't go again but I bet it will be fine. It sounds like the two of you were already getting past the falling out and made loose plans so no reason for her to see it as pity. Life is just too short.

PTFO · 05/10/2013 17:45

I'd pop over and leave a gift on the doorstep with a note saying that your thinking of her and wait and see if she texts/rings you. Maybe add that you didn't want to impose with her being so ill and wish her well etc etc.

In these situations I find its best to do something rather than nothing which can end up biting you on the bum but clearly your not comfortable to just pop over and she is understandly not well enough.

let us know how it goes x

HootShoot · 05/10/2013 17:51

I think you should text her and arrange to go over. When my mum was having chemo she would feel dreadful in the immediate aftermath but much better a couple of weeks afterwards. She probably didn't know when she would feel well enough so didn't suggest a date at tge time.

CHJR · 05/10/2013 17:51

Just go over for 15 minutes. She may be too tired for more than that. It may not lead to anything further. But she'd surely appreciate the gesture, and you'll feel you've tried.

FlapJackOLantern · 05/10/2013 17:51

At a time like this why should she be the one to invite you - she has other things on her mind. Just man up and go and see her.........I am sure she needs all the friends she can get, not people who avoid her (which is what you really are doing).

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 05/10/2013 17:52

I would pop round with a little something and if you get invited in then that is great, if she is not up to visitors then say you would love to pop by again when it is more convenient.

pigletmania · 05/10/2013 17:54

Go visit your friend. That's all sorry

harticus · 05/10/2013 17:55

Having been down the cancer and chemo route myself I can tell you I just wanted to keep everyone away from me when I went through treatment. I felt very shitty indeed and in no mood to meet anyone beyond my immediate family.
You are also extremely susceptible to infection during chemo - it is not a good time to have the world and his wife popping round even if they have the best intentions.

Your instinct is absolutely right not to intrude. She'll be in touch when she is feeling up to it. Let her call the shots.

Bowlersarm · 05/10/2013 17:55

Forget your past. Focus on the fact you were, sort of, making up. Visit her.

everlong · 05/10/2013 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 05/10/2013 17:57

Visit. Dealing with people and their varying emotions when you are ill is hard work and something extra to worry about.

It's nice when someone takes the initiative. If she's not up to a visit then, arrange another.

TheFutureMrsB · 05/10/2013 18:02

Pop in with some flowers and say that you aren't stopping just wanted to bring around a gift and to let her know you are there for her, she may invite you in or say she's not up to it at the moment but at least you'll both know you tried.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 05/10/2013 18:16

A lot of people don't like others 'popping in' (according to MN anyway!!) when they are well, let alone when they have cancer. Your friendship is just starting to be repaired, I wouldn't feel comfortable just 'dropping in'. However, I also would want her to know I was there for her. I'd text her something like...

'I know you said we could meet up for coffee in a few weeks, but I'd love to see you before then if you are up to it. I'm happy to come to yours if you don't fancy going out?! I'll make the tea & bring cake!? If you have time on Monday morning I could pop around about 10. Let me know x'

... and just see what she says.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 05/10/2013 18:17

All I have to say is

If she dies will you regret not speaking?

It really is that simple.

Original poster

Emilizz · 05/10/2013 18:19

Thanks for all the replies. The only thing stopping me from calling was a fear that I might be intruding while she's feeling nauseous.

Perhaps I'll drop around with a small gift and just a quick hello and I'll leave discreetly if I feel its appropriate.

Coffeetea, I didnt expect my friend to remember to text me any details. Not sure where you got that impression.

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 05/10/2013 18:24

I think you should go

LunaticFringe · 05/10/2013 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 05/10/2013 18:48

OP -I just think if I was at deaths door, I would rather be irritated about too many visitors. Than to not be cared about and have hardly any visitors at all. Even with your history.

Drop round, and see how it goes.

EvaBeaversProtege · 05/10/2013 18:55

My sister has just gone through chemotherapy & in the days following her treatment would not have been up to visitors, barring close family.

she was also terrified of getting a bug which the chemo leaves you more open to.

one thing she did notice though, was who her friends were.

she appreciated everyone's texts/emails/cards and calls but personally she wouldn't have coped with someone dropping in unannounced, even if her dh had said so. Men often don't realise that sitting vomiting into a bowl with a scarf on your head & a morphine driver isn't how you want people to see you.

that's most likely why she suggested coffee in a few weeks. My sister used to meet her workmates a few days before her treatment when she was at her peak.

definitely call her, text her, let her know she's on your mind, she'll really appreciate your friendship.

mojojomo · 05/10/2013 18:56

A nice scarf or pashmina-type thing would probably be handy if you're looking for gift ideas. They're great for at home or hospital and easier to put on and remove than a cardigan .
If you want to take food, something tempting but light like a fruit salad may be appreciated.

Scuttlebutter · 05/10/2013 19:01

When I had cancer, I found visitors very welcome indeed provided they followed these three simple rules

Not to visit with any sort of infection (amazingly, some people did, and yes, this includes DC).

Not to outstay your welcome - cancer makes you knackered - don't stay for hours. Half an hour is plenty.

yes, visit but check first. Health and fatigue can vary on a day to day basis. Unexpected visitors were the worst. Make sure your friend is up to it. Send a text the night before to check, pop in for a brief visit, keep it cheerful and upbeat and leave after half an hour. You can take it from there.

I still remember who visited me when I was ill, and sadly I remember those "friends" who disappeared when I was ill. It really does make a difference. Small kindnesses matter a lot.

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