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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DP to pay more rent as he earns more....

94 replies

Jewels234 · 04/10/2013 23:13

I have lived with DP for almost a year now. We earn about the same amount.

He has now got a new job and will earn about £20k more than me. We currently split everything 50:50. Friends think that he should pay more now. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

To give some context, we rent, and don't have children. Should he be paying more now? If so how do I broach the subject?

OP posts:
Oriunda · 05/10/2013 11:55

I agree with carabos. I'm a SAHM but DH and I keep separate finances (I have rental income from my old flat). I don't know how much he earns nor do I ask. We each have enough money to pay bills and buy we want/need without recourse to the other.

If I were OP's partner I would be furious knowing she'd discussed my finances with her friends and was planning to grab some of my only just increased salary. Big red flag.

OP presumably the rent was affordable before? If so I would leave it for now. A year living together isn't that long and I'd wait to see if your partner spends some of his increased salary on treats/holidays or savings for your future together. If he keeps it all for himself then you will have a clearer idea of what he'd be like as a husband/father.

Ignore your 'friends' (are they jealous?) and carry on being happy together.

Oriunda · 05/10/2013 12:02

Just posted before seeing your update (would have been useful to have at the start). Not such a great disparity between 40 & 60k. When I worked DH's salary was about 4x mine but I never felt bothered by it. He's already discussed plans for future so I would really not rock the boat or I think you risk him seeing you in a different light.

Bowlersarm · 05/10/2013 12:02

Op - don't discuss your personal finances with your friends! It never ends well. Seriously. Keep personal financial discussions between yourself and your DP (and MN of course Grin)

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/10/2013 12:10

I cant imagine having a payrise and being told by my partner that they were worried about the difference in salary! What on earth is there to be worried about in an increase!

Aside from that i'd find it very grasping and like Oriunda wouldnt appreciate everyone knowing private details and how to spend it.

BillyBanter · 05/10/2013 12:11

I disagree with not discussing financial stuff. Secrecy is where abuse hides.

I would call not knowing what your partner earns and a partner being furious at me discussing it a big red flag.

BillyBanter · 05/10/2013 12:13

Anyway, OP, your plan sounds good. Early congratulations

whois · 05/10/2013 12:15

You aren't married, you don't have children.

I don't think he should pay more rent than you, why should you be subserdised. If he was asking you to move to a more expensive flat or something then that would be different, but your outgoings haven't changed.

whois · 05/10/2013 12:16

Oh, yeah, missed the update.

Nice about the ring :-)

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/10/2013 12:17

Your plan sounds good OP, and it seems like he's already thinking along the same lines. Just make sure if you decide to have DC you aren't caught short by being on maternity leave. He will need to contribute more. As long as you discuss things you'll be fine.

How do you know he's bought a ring? How exciting for you!

Bearbehind · 05/10/2013 12:23

I think you should be very careful what you discuss with your friends OP.

I'm assuming that your parnter hasn't just said this morning the bit about using his pay rise save for a deposit and make a higher contribution to a future mortgage?

If this was his plan all long and you knew that, I am completely baffled at your AIBU question.

You manage by splitting the bills 50/50 at the moment, your partner is planning to use his pay rse to secure your future- what more do you want?

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you might want to grow up a bit and stop asking your friends opinions on things that really don't concern them and where you don't seem to be telling them the full story.

Viviennemary · 05/10/2013 12:26

No. I think you should both pay the same. Unless you come to an agreement that your finances should be pooled completely ie joint account. Or if you have children. I think it depends on how permanent and serious your relationship is. Nevertheless if he decided he would keep all his extra money to be spent only on himself I wouldn't be too happy with that over any long period of time.

Oriunda · 05/10/2013 13:04

Billy ... Who said anything about secrecy? I don't know what DH earns because I haven't asked him and don't care/need to know! We're comfortably off and I have a rough idea that he earns over X amount, but as to the exact figure, I'm really not interested. Equally he doesn't ask me how I spend my money or the money he puts into my account. We trust each other. People bandy the word 'abuse' about too readily IMHO to the detriment of those who really are being abused.

I said that, if I were the OP's partner, I would be furious with her discussing my finances with her friends. Obviously the OP should be able to discuss finances with her partner, that's different.

CreatureRetorts · 05/10/2013 13:09

DH and I always split bils proportionaly. Now we've got kids we just pool money into one. No secrets, no hidden finances etc.

There were times he earned more but then I earned more. I'm part time, he's full time and I earn more. But I don't get hung up on splitting or who pays more for the simple reason that we're married, we have children so what we earn goes into the pot. I'm not worried about maintaining a secret fund because quite simply I have a good job and would rather put any savings I did have towards my children.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2013 13:10

I would be furious, too, if I were the OP's boyfriend, to hear that she's been discussing my salary with her friends AND that they were saying she should get a reduction in rent as a result.

OP you do sound grasping to be honest. The poor guy's only just got the job, hasn't he? You're on decent money - if you want more, why not go for a better paid job?

marriedinwhiteisbackz · 05/10/2013 13:51

I think that if you could both afford the rent when you bought the current flat you should continue to pay half each - that was how the initial decision was based. I think if due to your partner's higher earnings you make a joint decision about moving to a more expensive property because that is what you both want then you need to review the finances then.

I have been with my dh for 25 years OP. When we met I earned more than him, he then started to catch up and I became a SAHM. He then completely overtook me. However, we have always had separate finances and that works for us. In the early days when I gave up work and resources were finite we had a very tight budget for a few years.

We have always had some money of our own that we have kept ringfenced and even now I'm not quite sure what DH has salted away and he will have some because that is his nature; but on the other hand he's not too certain exactly what I've got either. But family expenditure is always agreed and we are both careful with money. If I chose to blow a hundred on a pair or shoes or a bag or a jersey that's my concern; likewise I know he will do similar on upgrading his football season tickets but we don't need to consult about those things.

It works for us.

olgaga · 05/10/2013 14:09

Thats great Jewel. Sometimes its best to have patience and trust that your partner will show that they have the right attitude, as in this case.

Congrats in anticipation!Grin

LessMissAbs · 05/10/2013 15:59

I'm often quite surprised by some of the things I read on here, often with regard to how some mumsnetters seem to think of and treat their DPs/DHs. And this thread is one of those.

I really struggle to think of a single person in real life who would think like the OP. To suggest that you cannot pay an equal share of your own rent implies to me that there is something wrong person that prevents them paying their own way in life, such as addiction, illness or unemployment. Different if you have a family together or have been together for years, but I just cannot think of anyone I know who would suggest their boyfriend subsides their rent. I do know a couple of women who live together with their boyfriends, who gave up their jobs on moving in and are financially dependent, but tbh most of us dont take them very seriously and feel sorry for their boyfriends.

Admittedly, my female friends nearly all come from a similar background to myself - uni, then scraping your way up the career ladder, rather than looking for some male version of a fairy godmother.

Any man who suggested I subsidise their rent on moving in with me would be given short shrift as well.

OP - your friends are strange. Really strange.

LessMissAbs · 05/10/2013 16:11

I also forgot about the mumsnet obsession with joint bank accounts. Again, I wonder if they are over represented on here because there are not so many women on full time salaries. Just a thought. There's no way id start paying my salary into a joint account with a man id only known a year. To me, that is something that comes in time, if at all - DH and I dont need to subsidise each other, and id find it terribly limiting if I couldn't make a quick decision to make an expensive purchase but had to ask someone else first - i dont see how sharing your life and experienced has to confuse sharing your money. Sounds like something from an era when married women weren't allowed their own bank accounts or something!

Trills · 05/10/2013 16:16

DP and I split all household/joint bills proportionally by our takehome pay (this would not quite be 40:60 for you, but similar).

Our salaries go into our personal accounts. We have a joint account that we both put money into, and we agree how much it needs and what counts as a "joint" expense (food/rent/bills/insurance/etc). Our remaining money we can spend as we please, and the other person has no say in it.

I always recommend that if you have children the split should be done such that you both have the same amount of spending money left at the end (so not precisely proportional to income).

I never recommend having all money be joint because I feel that it would cause more stress than necessary if you have different attitudes to spending or saving.

jasminerose · 05/10/2013 16:20

Everyone does thinks different. Dh and I got 1 joint account after we had been together 6 months and all our money goes in there. Sometimes one makes more and sometimes the other does. Why dont you talk to him about ur

Trills · 05/10/2013 16:26

My attitude is that how much you earn is down to circumstance and luck more than it is down to "how hard you work", so in a partnership I don't feel that one of us "deserves" to have more money than the other.

I would be happy to go to the "equal spending money" model even though we don't have children, but DP would rather not do that. When we chose to do the "proportional split" model we earned about the same amount. Since then there has been a time when he earned more than me, and now I earn more than him.

Original poster
Jewels234 · 05/10/2013 16:28

Thanks all for sharing your experiences.

LessMiss - me and my friends sound the same as your friends. I suppose it was one girl in particular who was very surprised that as we are (hopefully!) about to get engaged we wouldn't just pool everything together. I would hate that for the same reasons as you...if I want to spend £300 on a coat for example I can. I don't have to run it past the OH. I think the implication from the friend that my OH was being tight made me unsure of what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
Trills · 05/10/2013 16:28

I absolutely would not like to have my "disposable income" be joint.

Mandy21 · 05/10/2013 16:44

I think it depends on individual circumstances. After a year, I knew I was going to end up with H, he was the same, we moved in together. We were both just starting out in our careers, but he was officially a year in front of me (in terms of training). For the first few months of renting together, we were both trainees (so similar salaries), split everything equally, he then qualified and his salary doubled overnight (whilst mine stayed the same). He offered to pay more of the expenses, so we split it proportionately. We carried on like that, paying expenses proportionately to our income, for a couple of years. At points, I was earning more than him so paid more, other times he was earning more so he paid more. I've never expected it, or felt "subsidised", it just made sense to us as a couple. When we bought a house, everything became joint.

On a separate note, I think its very important to discuss finances (and to know what your H earns).

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/10/2013 16:49

" i dont see how sharing your life and experienced has to confuse sharing your money."
And there is the fundemental difference - I don't see how sharing your life (as in seeing your future as growing old together; rather than just spending time together, living in the now) can possibly exclude shared finances. And shared finances doesn't mean I can't spend £300 on a coat, we both have personal funds (a standing order from the joint account, we both get the same amount of fun money).

I think Jaynebxl put it well (Sat 05-Oct-13 08:27:49) - "I think it depends on whether you both see this as effectively a flat share but where the two sharers are romantically involved, or whether you are both seeing it as a long term committed relationship leading to kids, marriage etc." I have lived with someone but not seen it as 'forever' - we split 50:50, paying the same amount into a joint account Grin (from our personal accounts, into which our salaries were paid) to meet the bills. With DH, both salaries went directly to the joint account with money transferred from there to our personal accounts. Similar, but very different.

But now would be a good time to talk money, to find out his attitudes to it and to explore your own.